What Happens When People Feel Devalued: The Tooth Fairy Pillow Debacle
“The struggle to feel valued is one of the most insidious and least acknowledged issues in organizations.” Tony Schwartz
Ellasyn, our youngest granddaughter, couldn’t believe her ears when Mimi offhandedly suggested, “Why don’t you use the Tooth Fairy pillow I made for your sister?” Brynlee, Ellasyn’s older sister, panicked!
Mimi didn’t know that sharing a Tooth Fairy pillow violates every standard of personal dignity known to kiddom! So, while Ellasyn’s first deciduous tooth hangs in there, Mimi rushes to knit a second Tooth Fairy pillow.
Baby teeth:
Generally speaking we end up with 20 baby teeth. We lose them between the ages of 6 and 12 years.
The tooth-fairy-rate currently stands at $4.03 in the U.S. – Less in the Midwest and more on the West coast. The equivalent is €3.40 and $5.26 Canadian.
When I was a kid we stashed our baby teeth in plastic sandwich bags and the cash rate was $0.50 per tooth. (Sometimes it was a Kennedy half dollar.) Joyfully, the first tooth fetched a paper dollar.
I shouldn’t complain. The tooth-fairy-payout of a $1.00 when I was a kid is worth $8.75 today.
It never bothered me when the tooth fairy forgot my tooth because teeth, like real estate, gain value over time. A two-day old tooth often doubled in value. But I digress.
Lessons:
#1. Devalued people resist.
#2. Devalued people pull back.
#3. Make people feel important.
Ellasyn felt devalued at the thought of sharing her sister’s Tooth Fairy pillow.
Use interactions to elevate people’s sense of dignity and worth.
How do people feel after spending time with you?
Mary Kay Ash said, “Pretend that every single person you encounter has a sign around their neck that says, ‘make me feel important.’”
- Put away your cell phone.
- Notice something good about everyone.
- Stop looking around. Eye contact signals interest and respect.
- Ask, “How did you learn to do that?”
- Speak hard truths with forward-facing kindness.
- Seek input/advice. “What do you think?”
- Provide useful feedback.
How might you let someone know they are important before this day is over?
Bonus lesson: Grandparents will do nearly anything to see their grandchildren smile.
Bonus material:
The Little Things that make Employees Feel Appreciated (HBR)
How to Make Employees Feel Valued (HR Daily)
No Excuses: The Power of Self-Discipline (Brian Tracy)
Dan, I agree that devalued people resist and that we should make people feel important. People tend to have a keen sense for sniffing out insincerity and manipulation in their leaders, so we should actually believe that people are important. Mary Kay Ash’s suggestion to pretend that every single person you encounter has a sign around their neck that says, ‘make me feel important,’ is a good first step. The more we treat people like they’re important, the more we tend to believe that they are. The cycle continues as the more we believe people are important, the more likely we are to treat them as such — even if we have to knit another tooth fairy pillow!
Thanks Paul. Sincerity is the secret sauce of everything we do. I suppose we might try a certain behavior and feel uncomfortable while we do it. But even uncomfortable behaviors need to reflect a desire to serve the best interest of others.
Thanks for adding your insight. It would be disappointing if someone read this post and felt encourage to act insincerely.
This is a simple idea that could improve work morale more than a leader might expect. My supervisor is not generally outgoing, however, he has been making an effort to have casual chit chats with me. While I know it is uncomfortable for him, it makes me feel even better that he is making the effort to so something he is not inclined to do naturally.
Thanks Liz. Congratulations for noticing and congratulations to your supervisor for making the effort. It helps if we can be real with each other.
In May, I felt I was the least valued person at work. After all, it seemed that everybody else was hired back from COVID except me. My work was piling up … weeks of work behind but still … not one peep of when I could come back. Suffice it say that my boss didn’t like me after he threatened to fire me in February 2019 after I asked the question “why are you doing that?” “Don’t question my leadership!” he said. For the next year … I played it cool, talked to a trusted friend in Rotary (since he literally did the same kind of work my boss did). I followed his advice but got crickets from management. Asked multiple questions about my standing in the company. Crickets. Was told to do more. No raise in salary since I was hired in 2016. Suggestions to improving work and projects routinely shot down. Micromanaged constantly. So when I came back to work in late May 2020 … it felt that I had took a trip on a giant hamster wheel, through all the effort and pain in trying to improve my place of work, but no recognition. No thanks. No real value … at least in their minds. They just wanted me to be a COG and nothing else. So I handed in my keys, much to my surprise of my supervisor, and I quit. I told my supervisor that he silently stood by the boss (the owner of this business) and said nothing while he threatened to fire me. That told me then that my supervisor was a sycophant. I no longer wanted to be part of that OZ. I’d rather be without work than suffer another day in an OZ that was my nightmare.
Thanks Michael. Your story is painful. AND it is such a powerful reminder of the power of keeping people in the loop. Regular communication makes people feel like they are insiders. Feeling like you belong gives us energy to endure the things we might not like.
Well, I wish you well. It seems like some sectors are doing very well and other sectors are struggling.
Here’s to the future!
Lesson #4 Devalued people leave! 🙁
Nothing worse than losing good people, and if you recognize their value, so do they and your competitors — now more than ever in a world of long social connections. Not only true in industrial world, but non-profit world too…
Like many leadership issues, early is far better than late!
Thanks Ken. Love that last line. I think you mean, get in there early and let people know they are valued. Don’t wait until it’s too late.
I appreciate this reminder! Articulating value is a muscle that needs to be exercised. When I practice by expressing gratitude to the cashiers and custodians in my non-work environment, I am more able to express value and appreciation in the harried work world as well.
Thanks Laura. Great insight. Make “articulating value” a habit… not simply a duty at work. I find your comment both helpful and challenging.
Love the tooth fairy analogy. I find catching people doing the RIGHT thing and acknowledging them in simple ways goes a long way to making people feel valued. A handwritten note can go a long way.
Great thoughts Dan.
Cheers
Adrian
Thanks Adrian. Simple and effective. Sadly, we wrongly believe that effective has to be dramatic or difficult.