How to Talk with Anxious People
COVID-19 is a global pandemic according to Dr Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, the General-Director of the World Health Organization. (3/11/2020)
How to talk with anxious people:
#1. Avoid “but”:
When people share concerns say “and” not “but.”
“But” is an eraser.
- I know this is serious, BUT….
- I see that you’re upset, BUT….
- This seems like a serious situation, BUT….
“But” discounts concerns.
When you minimize an issue that’s important to someone, you become untrustworthy to them.
“But” says you’re out of touch.
Don’t comfort by minimizing concerns.
#2. Bring heart:
Respond with empathy and confidence when employees express concern about COVID-19.
“Thank you for bringing this up. I know you’re concerned AND so am I.”
#3. Inform:
“Some of the issues we’re working on include parents who stay home to care for children, sick leave, production cut-backs, and protecting our team when they come to work.” (The previous list is just an example.)
#4. Pause:
Pause. Practice openness. Relax your posture. Lean in. Ask…
“What other issues should we be thinking about?”
#5. Welcome suggestions:
“Thank you for your suggestions.”
- Don’t judge.
- Be honest.
- Respond with confidence, not bravado.
- Look forward.
- Be present.
Tip: Don’t feel pressure to respond specifically to suggestions.
#6. Commit to communicate:
“You can count on me to keep everyone in the loop as we learn more.”
#7. Stay open:
“Please send me a note if you have other thoughts.”
#8. Manage expectations:
“I would love to be more specific. We need to respond to changing information.”
#9. Be seen:
Don’t hide below deck. When the seas are rough, the captain should walk the deck.
#10. Share vision:
“We’re just at the beginning. I’m not sure how this plays out. We may be in for some stormy seas. I’m confident we’ll work through this together.”
What do leaders do wrong when people are anxious?
How might leaders effectively respond to anxiety in others?
Bonus material:
12 Ways to Develop Leadership Confidence (Pragmatic Institute)
Leadership Freak: Complete Works February 2020, has all the articles from February organized by category. The collection includes 10 articles on igniting positive energy, and much more.
Well done, and perfect timing! I shared with my 49 supervisors, and they were excited to receive.Thank you for this, Dan. Stay well!
Thanks Mary Kathryn. It’s great to be of service. I wish you and your supervisors success.
Dan – so timely… These tips will serve everyone well. This is such a good reminder that communication is so vital in what we do and need to do. Anytime we cut people off without letting them finish is key to communication failure. It is difficult at times when there is a passionate exchange of ideas or a full room. A strategy I use is to put a piece of paper in front of me to write something down if I think about it while someone is talking if I want to come back in response. Genuine empathy and compassion all go a long way in communication and taking care of people.
Thanks Kishla. We have to admit that being cut off makes us feel disrespected. Feeling disrespected is sure to be followed by dissatisfaction.
Great points.
It’s time for empathy and active listening. People want their fears and concerns heard and acknowledged.
Thanks Paul. Just listening goes a long way toward relieving anxiety. It seems like anxiety about a problem is less troubling than the problem of not feeling heard.
How about we lean in and say, “Everything”s Gonna Be Alright”. Lyrics from a David Lee Murphy Song titled, “Everything’s Gonna Be Alright” kind of say it,
Everything’s gonna be alright
Everything’s gonna be alright
And nobody’s gotta worry ’bout nothing
Don’t go hittin’ that panic button
It ain’t worth spilling your drink
Everything’s gonna be alright
Alright, alright
And then we live it by our positive (+) attitude, our smiie, our greetings, our interactions as we go forth today and beyond.
Thanks Roger. I’m thankful you are a regular contributor.
Excellent topic and powerful overall post, Dan. Your focus on the word “BUT” is especially genius and meaningful not only at this time of the coronavirus, but a revealing communication trait personally and professionally–and especially for leaders. Imagine the distinction, “I love you BUT…” vs. “BUT I love you.” Or when a CEO calls a marketing director into her office and says, “You’re being considered for the VP position, BUT…” That “word” says a lot and must perk up our ears, as well as keep from us from using.
Thanks Rick. It’s fun how you tinkered with the word order.
Great evocative metaphor #9 ‘don’t hide below deck’ and the tips for how to be seen and heard even if you don’t have the whole story of 100pct of the plan… without making things worse.
Thanks Cate. Here’s to standing on the deck and facing into the wind. 🙂
What is the rationale for leaning in and saying everything will be all right when you have absolutely no evidence whatsoever to support this? I know it’s about faith, and faith is belief in the absence of facts, but I think ignoring massive chasms in the data is a little bit unhelpful.
Thanks Mitch. I’m not advocating saying everything will be all right.
We don’t often realize what “but” means, thank you for your clarification and bringing focus to how a person receives the meaning of “but” especially during this scary virus. Leadership must bringing understanding and compassion to their staff members, acknowledging their fears and uncertainty. We must make our staff feel and know that we are in this together and I am actively hearing your concerns. Thanks Dan for another outstanding post!
Thanks Wanda. Perhaps one thing that holds leaders back from compassion is the need to have all the answers. If we embrace the idea of agility, it might help.
The situation may change. That means our response may change.
Maybe saying, “Here’s where we are right now,” is helpful.
“But’ what if? The Leaders need to tell the truth that there are issues and this is how we will address them! The individuals want choices perhaps not in the “but” format, rather the action response “this is what is happening” and “this is what is going to happen if we don’t take the proper actions”. Most people prefer straight answers and leave the, well, but behind, no pun intended.
I love this idea of the monthly complete works. I would gladly by a hardcover of your 100 most popular posts Dan!
It appears we are having the opposite issues with our employees. Rather than being overly concerned with the spread of COVID-19, our guys are minimizing the situation and in a lot of cases, ignoring the idea of “social distancing.” I’m sure the 10 suggestions for dealing with anxious people still apply. My fear is that they will not take this seriously until it’s too late, much like that NBA player who decided to jokingly touch everyone and everything prior to finding out that he tested positive for the virus. I don’t know how to get the guys to take this more seriously, but we are definitely committed and we will continue to have open communication.
#9 Be Seen. Can’t overstate how important that is! Thanks for this timely reminder of what we need from our leaders. Take care.
Everything you’ve shared and discussed exemplifies great tips to reduce stress in anxious people. The one thing I find leaders doing incorrectly when address anxious people, is sharing information and statistics that is falsely misinterpreted. For example, take the pandemic COVID-19, there are so many misleading articles, guidelines, statistics and etc. that are going around social media and the news pertaining to this issue. Thus, leading to a frenzy and panic within individuals. The CDC changed their PPE guidelines multiples times, in which people felt frustrated, confused, and anxious feeling because having a reliable source such as the CDC changing every so often can reduce liability and therefore having individuals not trust anyone. Credibility is lost and individuals have a sense of feeling that no one knows certain and reliable information. When leaders address the audience, they need to be confident and make sure their source is true and reliable, in which if there are changes, they are not drastic changes that would leave the audience in confusion. Leaders are human as well and though they make mistakes too, it’s is always wise and strongly suggested to go over information and facts before interpreting it to the audience. Another way leaders can control their leadership skills and talk to anxious people is to believe in themselves and to be confident in their work ethic. For example, in a healthcare professional, it is essential to know your responsibilities within the role that you are assigned and to show off your capabilities. It is easy to forget that your skills and work ethic portrays how far up the ladder you are. Leaders need to use these skills when talking to anxious people and be openly communicative with them, in which things are explained thoroughly. It’s best to always keep a positive mindset and to be open to questions.
I really appreciated reading this post, because it is so essential for leaders and managers to be inclusive of different peoples’ needs. Individuals who suffer from anxiety are often disregarded, or as you perceptively put, ‘minimized.’ Minimizing someone who expresses their concerns about something, whether it be a specific issue or a general concern, only acts to invalidate that person’s needs. When an individual feels like their stressors are not validated or valued by someone who holds a leadership position in their life, they lose trust for that leader. A lack of trust in employee/employer relationships will inevitably result in an unhealthy work environment for all involved, including fellow workers.
Fostering trust and mutual respect between a leader and their employees (or the like) begins with listening and responding to the needs of said employees. I am grateful for this comprehensive post, because speaking as someone who experiences anxious thoughts, it is so encouraging to see this issue brought up by an esteemed leader. More often than not, my anxieties boil down to my need to be heard and understood, not necessarily ‘fixed.’ Your note about avoiding judgement is key here, because sometimes a good leader just means being a good listener. And if the issue brought up does require ‘fixing,’ I will feel validated in knowing I have a leader who listens to my concerns and can work with me to come up with a solution.
This post is especially salient considering the fact that we are living through a global pandemic, and anxiety about work is a fact of life for most people. Now more than ever, employees need to feel like their concerns are heard, valued, and validated. While it can be tough to negate someone’s fears during a time when we need to social-distance, I believe you have provided the groundwork for other leaders to build upon. One of your points I would highlight for talking with anxious people during COVID-19 is to welcome suggestions. There is no right answer for how to help, but asking how you can best be of help is an excellent start.
As someone who works in the public health field, I have been grateful to see many employees practicing these elements during this global pandemic. It is an incredibly frustrating and confusing time for many of us. With the wrong approach, anxious people may at times feel unheard, causing more stress than before. It is important for leaders to communicate and understand others in more than one fashion. Interpretation and reaction will be different from each individual. When speaking to an anxious person, a leader might not completely understand and come off as lacking empathy. This will cause more issues with their relationship in the long run as the individual may feel that respect or value does not exist when speaking out about their concerns. Successful leaders must be openminded to more than one way of thinking as well. Rather than solely believe in their own perspective, it’s more beneficial to take other ideas into consideration as well. This is a key element to a trustworthy team. A leader does not necessarily have to believe or agree with the anxious person but should be open and communicate in a non-judgmental fashion. Being present while communicating will also alleviate the anxiety one is going through during this time as well. Sometimes just being an attentive listener and not inputting your own advice is the most helpful thing one can do.