Dear Dan: I Feel Excluded and Disrespected
Dear Dan,
Years ago, my boss was receptive to my opinions regarding changes in the office. We maintained a warm, professional relationship.
However, in recent years, I have noticed that she does not involve me in changes or decisions regarding the office.
We have two problem employees who do not respect me and find ways to constantly undermine me. I have discussed this with my boss and HR, but their negative behavior continues to this day.
Clients also complain about them and when I relay the message to my boss, I feel that she shuts me out or does not take me seriously.
Those two employees bring in a lot of business as they know many people in their community who need our services.
Do you feel that it is time for me to look for a new job? I like what I do but it is hard to tolerate these two characters on a daily basis. Thank you in advance for your feedback.
Sincerely,
On the Outs
Dear On the Outs,
Thanks for your email. Your assessment has the ring of truth. Some leaders tolerate high performing jerks. In the process, others suffer.
Your email also reminds me that feeling respected, valued, and included is essential to satisfaction and commitment. 8 out of 10 employees who feel disrespected are less committed. (SHRM)
Questions:
- Could you adjust expectations and be happy in your current role if things don’t change?
- How is the job market in your area?
- Are you willing to relocate?
- How satisfied are you that you adequately shared your concerns?
A quick thought. You’ve been with the organization a long time. A move could ignite growth.
Decide:
Make the decision to find a new position.
Sometimes we don’t know how we feel until we make a decision.
After making the decision, how do you feel? Is there enough positive energy to continue moving forward? Or, do you yearn to stay where you are?
You’ve dedicated many years to your organization. Realize that choosing to leave creates some anxiety and sadness. However, do you sense reasonable enthusiasm for new opportunities?
If you move on:
A negative situation is motivating you to move on. Once you commit to leave, shift your thinking.
“Running toward” is more desirable than “running away.”
It’s more effective to focus on the future than to cuddle up with a disappointing past.
Think more about what you want and less about what you don’t want.
Patience:
You write, “In recent years,” and, “years ago.” This makes me think that you’re a patient person, perhaps too patient.
You might spend time reflecting on how action-oriented you are.
Another point of reflection might be around power. How much power are you giving to others to create the world you hope to enjoy?
The above reflection points might not apply, but if they do, a mentor may help you navigate this growth moment.
You have my best,
Dan
What suggestions do you have for “On the Outs.”
Don’t miss yesterday’s post: The Cost and Opportunity of Standing-With
Note: I suspend my 300 word limit for Dear Dan posts.
Dear on the outs,
I’m a firm believer is going one on one, so go to your Boss behind closes doors and state what your telling us and see their response. Point out the changes you perceive and ask what you can do different or they can as well. If at the end of the conversation you should be able to have a result of which way to go. Hopefully you can resolve the issues or at least understand which direction you may need to go.
When “respect is lost”, you may never regain it back unfortunately, then again after the conversation you may have regained their respect, though to read sometimes with higher ups.
It may be time to move forward. Best Wishes.
Thanks for jumping in, Tim. Hope you had a good holiday weekend.
Your welcome, you know always to short, yet much appreciated time with family. Look like I need to check my spelling more too, in my responses! Oops
Dear on the outs, Many times we put up with the things that irritate us for so long that it is all we focus on. It also makes us seem bitter to the point that we become harsh and negative and not at all who we really are or want to be. I see two things that you can try: 1, you can try a super positive approach for a team building atmosphere possibly salvaging a current job or 2. you can find a new place to work where you can start over fresh. Either way, leave the bitterness behind and be the positive person. Much luck in whatever you choose.
Thanks for sharing your insights, Sharon. Your perspective that tolerating something too long might make us harsh and negative is powerful. Perhaps it the negativity comes from feeling powerless, blaming others, or feeling abused.
Yes Dan, Often we tolerate and overlook so long that when we decide enough is enough, it is all we can focus on. It can consume us until we are no longer productive. As long as we can stay positive, we can usually overcome the things surrounding us. If we can pull those that we perceive as problem employees into our positivity, we can build a much stronger team, all working as a unit. If we reach the point of just focusing on the problem, we too become the problem. If “on the outs” can find a way to get everyone on the same page, I think they can once again be the shining star they seek to be.
I agree Sharon. And there is also the power of negativity that needs to be embraced.
The letter from “On The Outs” doesn’t give us insight into the success of the company. These are difficult times and some companies are facing harsh economic realities. If these “problem employees” are bringing in a great deal of business, perhaps your boss has no choice but to keep them to keep the business afloat. We also don’t know what OTO’s function is in the company. If OTO, too, is responsible for generating business, it could look like sour grapes to those in charge.
Twenty years ago, I left a job, and a boss, that I loved for a couple of reasons. I knew the job I left for was temporary at best, but was the stepping stone I needed to move forward in my career. It took me nearly six years and three not-quite-right jobs before I found my forever job, which I’ve had for 13 plus years.
My advice is look deeply into what it is you want for your career and decide if you can create it where you are or if you need to look elsewhere, then prepare for the adventure of finding your true place. . . because it IS an adventure.
Thanks Laurie. You give real insight into the importance of knowing what you want. “Running toward” instead of “running away.” We’re less likely to get what we want when the motivation is running away.
Dear on the outs,
I’m not sure if these two directly report to you and it makes a difference. Assuming they do, you’re in a tough situation and I’ve been there too: it stinks, especially feeling you’ve lost your good relationship with your boss. Assuming you prefer tp stay, suggest you add this into the mix of questions to ask yourself. Is there something you are doing that is irritating them? As an example, are you are holding tightly to the way things used to be, a backwards facing nostalgic approach? It will drive certain employees crazy and make them feel you don’t feature in now, or the future. Gift yourself with a good hard look just in case you repeatedly say or do triggering or irritating things without even knowing it! Meanwhile, know that sometimes you have to manage jerks. It would be better if deep respect and tolerance ran through every encounter every day. But jerks gonna jerk. While they do their thing, keep your eye on the ball: be kind, learn every day, build your company for tomorrow and beyond, fill your life with what you like. Jerk 1 and Jerk 2 will become smaller, the bigger you become. Good luck
Thanks for adding your insights Cate. Love the thoughts about managing jerks. How do you maiximize their potential and minimize their damage? Perhaps focus on their positive contribution, don’t get sucked into negative behaviors, and as you say, “keep your eye on the ball.”
Dear On the Outs,
You describe two separate problems.
1. Your boss doesn’t involve you in changes in the office.
2. Two employees that don’t respect you and undermine you.
Issue #2–My first question is what specifically does each employee do that disrespects you and undermines you. Focus on their behaviors-what they do or say.
I would set up a meeting with each employee individually and describe his/her behavior and tell them how it makes you feel. Discuss–the changes that you are willing to make and the specific changes you would like them to make. Establish ground rules you both can agree to going forward.
Issue #1–Set a meeting with your boss. State how you feel. Indicate the areas where you feel you can add value and ask to be included in discussions on those topics. See what your boss has to say. Do you need to make some changes to be included in certain discussions?
There are two sides to every story. We have heard your side. You need to hear the other side and be open to their point of view.
Thanks Paul. I can’t help but think about the courage it takes to say what you really want and at the same time consider the idea that we might contribute to a problem.
I agree. But the results can be very eye-opening!
I always hate it when I’m part of the problem…especially when I think someone else is the problem.
me too!!
Such a caring, thoughtful, and helpful response. Thank you
On the Outs indicates his boss has quit responding to him/her when he brings ideas for change to her. And his discussions with his/her boss and HR about problem employees hasn’t resulted in any change. Could part of the problem be that On the Outs has become seen as a complainer? Has s/he also been a positive contributor to not only the success of the company but also the office culture and relationships?
Thanks Alan. You bring up an important point. People who want change might come off like complainers. Perhaps convincing people that we are all pulling in the same direction would help. If we aren’t careful, complainers look like obstructionists.
Hey Dan,
You know where I stand on this one.
My advice is this. Is upward mobility important to you, do others lack respect for what you bring to the organization, do you support leadership that believes in building a fence of community in the workplace? If yes is your answer to these questions I suggest the gentleman who posted today’s question should look for work elsewhere while you still have your sanity.
Cheers Dan
Sgt Steve
Thanks Sgt. My gut, with the limited information available, is the same. If opportunities are available, find one that seems more conducive.
“Those two employees bring in a lot of business”
This. Everyone accepts that money talks. In this case, it seems money talks louder and more persuasively than On The Outs does. If that is the case, then sadly it becomes a value judgement whether you can accept this or not.
Glad you jumped in, Mitch. Be well.
On the Outs:
Please take time to evaluate for what you really WANT. Only you can decide what’s right for you, but it might be well worth the effort/experience to work together with the others you’ve mentioned and push to build a better working relationship with each person. You’ll know if it’s worth pursuing or not and the decision you make doesn’t mean anyone was in the wrong. Working with others who are difficult/confrontational/challenging can be very stressful and some folks you just can’t win over. But these challenges can also help you grow to better (or more smoothly) handle similar situations in the future. Working with one difficult person might bring an exponential amount more growth than working with others, even though it can be taxing and tiring when you’re in the middle of it. Sometimes hanging in there can be very rewarding in the end.
Everything depends on the situation and how it affects you. I hope you drive toward deciding your best result.
Thanks Mary. You echo what some others have suggested. Double your efforts to make it work. The idea that we might be better for working through these situations is powerful. It gives an expectant, forward-looking approach.
Even if things don’t work out, we are better for it.
I lean toward moving on, but I see the usefulness of the suggestion you make.
Dear Outs,
It’s really true that many leaders at top managemnet level tolerate high performing jerks. In the process, others suffer. They ignore the manner in which the business gets generated with a short-term vision. They ignore the governance principles and business ethics and ignore those who are average in their performance with the required good norms. I call this category of leaders as Opportunists and semi-professionals who have the convenience policy of giving wrong importance and recognition to the high performers at the cost of other loyalists and integrated employees.
It’s better to leave such organization at earliest.
Thanks Dr. Asher. It’s useful to acknowlege that tolerating high performing jerks is often a short-term perspective.
I wonder if a team could bring this problem into the open and decide the course of action. What if the jerks are acknowledged and everyone on the team publicly decides to tolerate them, or to not be bullied by them?
I forgot another mention:
If work is just plain unhappy for you because of this situation, then leaving probably outweighs trying to work things out. If you’ve reached the point of not being happy, then jeopardizing your emotional (and therefore physical) health to work through this doesn’t feel like the best choice. Although we can sometimes learn and grow from working through some bad situations, other situations mean that moving forward is best done by moving on.
Unhappy isn’t a good place to be. And the next place just might be your dream job.
Trust your gut on this. I bet you already know what to do.
Thanks for jumping back in, Mary.
Some wonderful comments here! My two cents- It looks like the work relationships are fraying. I suggest working on a mindset of being prepared to stay or being prepared to go, and working on both at the same time. It will help with choices when the decisive moment comes. As others have said focus on the positive and moving forward, you have lots of strengths.
Thanks Greg. Working on staying AND working on leaving is great. It can be hard to do. But if we aren’t careful, we start to slack off while we work to leave. This is self-sabotage. Plus, as your comment indicates, you might end up staying.