Which Critics to Ignore and How to Have Fun with the Others
Everyone needs someone in their life who doesn’t need to be liked.
What if your critics aren’t complete idiots?
Self-protection is self-limiting:
Critiquing your critics is a standard self-limiting behavior when receiving negative feedback.
- They don’t like me. But people who don’t like you may be more honest than those who think you’re awesome.
- They don’t see the whole picture. But you don’t need to see everything to see something.
- They always complain. But people who complain a lot may be talented at pointing out faults.
- They have a personal agenda. But people with a personal agenda are motivated to point out real shortcomings.
- They’re holding a grudge. But a grudge doesn’t make a person wrong, even if it makes them irritating.
If someone doesn’t like you, so what? Tighten your belt. Ask a few uncomfortable questions.
Curiosity is more valuable than self justification.
- What makes you say that?
- Could you remind me of a time when you saw me (insert complaint)?
- When you see me (insert complaint), what do you see me doing?
Courageous vulnerability eliminates blame and eradicates defensiveness.
Fun with critics:
If you want to have fun with critics, get them to help you improve. Ask, “If I was better at (insert criticism) what would you see me doing?” Press for specifics. Avoid generalities.
Don’t let critics off the hook when it’s time to make things better.
Try some of your critic’s suggestions as long as they don’t cause harm or violate your values. Critics aren’t complete idiots. (Well, some aren’t.)
3 critics to ignore:
- The question-motives-critic. You aren’t sincere enough even though you improved.
- The not-good-enough critic. You’re making progress, but it’s never good enough.
- The you’re-going-to-fail critic. You won’t sustain progress.
Ignore critics who find-fault as you improve.
Listen to raving fans while making progress.
What excuses do leaders offer when they’re ignoring critics?
When is it better to ignore critics?
Previous post: A 12 Step Conversation with a Critic
Dan, your last two posts have really been on point for me. I’m about to enter The Land of Critics–a temporary and highly conflicted system. This is very helpful! Thanks.
Thanks J. It’s not fun to find ourselves in a storm, but it can be useful.
I was going to say, “Batten down the hatches,” but that seems a too closed. Maybe it’s stay in touch with your moorings while sailing into the surf.
Best wishes and thanks for your kind words.
Good points. There are enough critics in the world already. Personally, am a big fan of ‘constructive criticism’, because its intention is to help and provide honest feedback, but it still can be a fine line in assessing what is helping, and what is harming.
Thanks Dan, this is a great post! As a young manager (under 30, only been managing for 3 years). Criticism is something I receive a lot of and it has taken a toll. Initially I struggled with being emotionally accessible to the staff which labelled me cold, heartless and not supportive (none of which I believe I am). I have grown a lot since then and have learnt a lot of lessons the hard way but I still have a lot of critics. Most of them are people that I dont directly work with (they aren’t even in the same city) and most fit into those last three categories (mainly the insincere section). I value criticism and am always looking to improve but being able to define when I can ignore criticism will really help with my overall strength and allow me to better manage my team.
Dan, this is an interesting one for me:
“The not-good-enough critic. You’re making progress, but it’s never good enough.”
The “not good enough critic” is deeply embedded in process-based systems, where quality audits etc are (designed to drive progress but regularly become (essentially) fault-finding exercises, where you are judged on the basis of your last failure. In these types of workplaces, ignoring these critics is difficult because they are employed on this basis! Suggestions on dealing with the system, not just for myself but to protect those who l lead?
Criticism has the fine line of benefiting and hurting, admit we have faults and challenging ourselves to find a better way to do in the eyes of others can be tough! I’m, old school with divisions of criticism of “subordinate” and “constructive” taken as required, absorbed as needed and shared when asked for.
Try not to bury yourself to deep with critics, some have good intentions and some are idiots too!
Great points to work on, especially when it can be hard to put aside one’s feelings to try and get to the actual point being made by a critic. It goes without saying that a “Safe” environment – one where everyone feels a level of trust and equity with administration – goes a long way in feeling safe enough to dive into the problem areas. When that is not the case — the instinct is naturally to push back and not feel ‘taken down’, often in front of administration, and to defend your personal and professional integrity and skills. There are times when the critics tend to only speak up when they don’t get exactly what they want — which ends up being the core of the criticism. I love the daring move to ask a critic to speak with you, in private, about how they saw a recent issue and engage in a dialogue — where BOTH the critic and the criticized get to say: “This is what I was trying to do….this is why I did it this way….I see your point in this….can you see my point about that?…” Now that would be helpful! Of course the caveat is, as many noted, is you have to work with a critic who has a genuine desire to see everyone do better and not just get their own way.
Great thoughts to chew on. It also led me down the path of “what kind of critic am I?”