Leadership Derailers – Taking Offense
Leadership gets narrow and life shrinks for the easily offended.
All leaders receive unjust criticism. You’re judged based on inadequate information, false assumptions, or someone’s unspoken preferences.
It’s better to focus on OUR own responsibilities, but it’s easier to know what OTHERS should do.
The negative impact of taking offense:
- Coddling an offense limits your potential.
- Unresolved offenses become excuses for poor performance.
- Rehearsing offenses marginalizes your talent.
- Focusing on offenses shrinks your ability to influence because of isolation.
- Buried offenses make you brittle.
People lie to protect thin-skinned leaders.
Resolving offenses:
#1. It’s about YOU, not the offense.
Offenses are secondary matters.
You might think offenses are the problem. But the real issue is how YOU respond to offenses.
Your response to offense lets everyone see what’s in your heart.
#2. Get a bigger cup.
If you’re easily offended, you’re constantly in turmoil.
Learn to overlook minor offenses.
When pebbles keep you up at night, don’t expect to find rest. You can’t maximize someone’s strengths when you focus on their weakness.
There is a measure of “putting up with” in all relationships. Stop picking at little scabs or they’ll get infected.
Forgiveness expands your capacity to navigate offenses.
The issue you can’t forgive is the lid of personal growth and useful service.
The ability to integrate offenses expands your capacity to serve.
#3. Bring up issues with purpose in mind.
Sometimes you can’t un-smell a stink.
When you bring it up…
Determine what you want before you bring up an offense.
- What do you want FROM others?
- What do you want FOR others?
- If you successfully resolve the offense, what will be different?
- What are you prepared to do to achieve what you want?
When you can’t resolve offenses, YOU become toxic. The Dead Sea is dead because it hangs on to everything.
What suggestions do you have for easily offended leaders?
Dig Deeper:
About 20% of us are genetically sensitive to negative stimuli. We feel the dark stuff more than others.
The Art of Not Taking Offense (Smart Brief)
Trigger Warnings: Science can Explain Why You Get Offended (Inverse)
The Power of Entering the Danger (Table Group)
NOTE: When you leave a comment, you give permission for me to include it in any future publication of this material.
I made up a saying on this very topic for me and my coaching clients, “it’s not the infraction, it’s my reaction”
Thanks Eric. I love how a rhythm aid memory.
Really enjoyed today’s blog! One of the most helpful books I’ve ever read digs into this into your additional comments about knowing whether you are sensitive to negative feedback. It’s definitely worth a read – Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen.
Thanks for extending the conversation, Jan.
I’d like to second the recommendation of “Thanks for the Feedback.” It’s a little long but it provides a framework to understand your own reaction to feedback and the reactions of others. Lots written about how to give feedback but not enough about how to receive it constructively.
This is a very complicated topic. The same interaction that caused offense on one occasion may not do so under different circumstances with the same people involved. Or be interpreted differently in an interaction with a different person, different day, different environment, etc.. There are so many variables and the offended person’s state of mind at the exact moment of perceived offense can vary wildly. As leaders it’s difficult to remain open and positive all the time. Leaders may successfully react in the moment appropriately, or let’s face it, we’re all human and sometimes the reaction is instant from the gut and maybe regrettable later. Your article is helpful to bring it to the forefront to (hopefully) be more self-aware. Thank you.
Well said, Susan. As I read your post and reference to number of variables, what came to mind are some of the simple things such as what happened to ourselves or another person prior to entering work that day (crabby kid at school drop-off, traffic, hormones, spilled coffee) or something more significant (illness, diagnosis, aging parent) that impacts how we/others hear and respond to what may not need to be an offense. It is our job to remain open-minded and self-aware to model how to work through the feedback.
Thanks Susan. Your comment got me thinking about stress. We respond one way when we’re calm and another when we’re stressed.
Great topic and post! Overlooking an offense and not reacting emotionally allows you to respond correctly so that you can address the offense without being offensive yourself. A leader needs to be the absorbing boundary that helps everyone stay in play. If the offenses become too frequent or disruptive, then, like a good coach, you substitute in someone else. With the exception of substituting, it’s a lot like parenting.
Thanks, Dan for the thoughtful posts
Thanks Michael. “Address the offense without being offensive.” Love it.
I answer with the story of the Oyster: the irritation of a small grain of sand in the oyster forms a pearl but never a pearl will be formed from a grain of sand in the shellfish. Thank you!
Great reminder, I needed this one today. Thank you!
My pleasure, BMO.
I love this and will definitely share it! On my teams we have the NFZ- No Freak Zone. This means to expect the best from our colleagues – relax, check your own agenda, and take a look inside at why you are responding the way you are. Also, in order to get our work done, we must Manage UP! that means stay above the line, honest and direct with our communication and able to let go of the little stuff for the greater good. Living and working like that is a practice- Love the column, thanks!
Thanks Kava. Useful acronym.
This is great. We are living in a culture that is easily offended, and to think that it is every once else is the ones who take offense and not realize that we sometimes might take offense to things hinders our growth and influence. Thanks for the reminder to be self-aware on this issue and how we can address it so that we can become better leaders.
It’s not about you. It’s not personal.
Very meaningful. I got inspireda
Anytime I let offences go, my sleep is deeper and restful… So, I have learnt to let offences sly so i can give myself rest and peace of mind.
Thanks Joshua. It seems that letting go of offenses is good for the offended and, it may be good for offenders, too.
Very insightful in a culture that can misinterpret the inflection intended in our digital universe.
It was mentioned that, “unresolved offenses become excuses for poor performances.” I always try to remember the 7P’s . Prior Proper Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance.
Love the 7 P’s!!
We will all get better and better everyday.
Can use the 7p’s in day to day work situations.