I Hung Up the Phone and Just Started Sobbing
I told Jenny Dearborn that our story is the answer.
She told me about an unexpected conversation with a nine year old boy. He has dyslexia. So does Jenny.
Jenny Dearborn, SVP and Chief Learning Officer for SAP, is responsible for the learning and development of 90,000 people. But last week’s random conversation with one nine year old boy caused her to hang up the phone and sob with gratitude.
Jenny said, “For many years I hid my learning disabilities.”
The story in her own words:
The dark pages of your story illuminate the reason you’re here.
The advantage of disadvantage:
Disadvantage leaves strength in your gut and honey on your fingertips.
- Disadvantage expands your capacity to serve.
- Disadvantage reflects and shapes your character.
- Disadvantage opens your heart.
Your greatest contribution emerges while you struggle with disadvantage.
Authentic value:
Spend more time being who you are and less time doing the “right” thing. Your story reflects the true value you bring.
I don’t mean you should do wrong things. I mean you should bring your true self to challenges and opportunities.
The number one regret of the dying: I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. (Bonnie Ware, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.)
4 ways to bring your true self:
Disadvantage turns to advantage for yourself and others when you battle through the dark.
- Find advantage in disadvantage.
- Rise above the hurt by forgiving those who hurt you. (See Meredith’s comment below.) Forgiveness opens the heart to receive advantage from disadvantage.
- Express gratitude for those who helped you.
- Feel humbled and honored for opportunities to serve.
Management principles can be learned from a book, but struggling though disadvantage turns rote to reality.
What prevents leaders from bringing their whole selves to work?
How might leaders tell their story in ways that bring advantage to others?
*Read the new book, The Data Driven Leader, by Jenny Dearborn and David Swanson
Follow Jenny on twitter: @DearbornJenny
Dan,
Great post. I think, though, that I would amend “Rise above those who hurt you by forgiving them,” to read “Rise above the hurt by forgiving those who hurt you.” This is the way to transition from victim to survivor. It’s not about being beyond or above those who hurt you, though that will come as well. As long as you are using those who hurt you to measure yourself in some way, you remain, in some part, a victim. For me the key has been to rise above the hurt itself and to embrace the strength it imparted as I healed. Just my two cents.
Meredith
Thanks Meredith. Brilliant. I’m on it!
Speaking of healing, Jenny said that helping others heal was healing for her.
I have a son whose name is Jason, he is now 23. He was born in a very poor part of Hunan Province in China and abandoned at an early age (most likely because he was a premature child). That he lived the 13 months it took for us to adopt him was wonderous. Needless to say he was significantly disadvantaged with much developmental delay. He has always risen above his own condition and today is in College at Cal State LA doing well, learning having fun and making relationships. His best attribute is he has a large heart for others and have never let his disadvantages get in the way of progress, as you note above he has always turned his disadvantages to advantages, he has always opened his heart to others. My wife and his Sister (who was also adopted from China) have always been so proud of him. Thank you for these such good words.
Thank you Roger. You left us a power illustration of turning disadvantage to advantage. This ability is central to successful leadership.
Roger: I also have 2 children adopted from China. One of them struggles with some mental health challenges including ADHD and multiple anxiety disorders. Last year after a culmination of life challenges (being 13, being in middle school, losing both grandmothers within a few weeks, friend issues) she communicated her fear of contemplating suicide and her need for additional help. We took her to the hospital and she opted to be admitted for a week of intensive treatment. The amazing part was how she used her story to be an example for others. She returned to school and very openly communicated with her classmates that she was struggling, asked for help, and got it. By her openness she removed any stigma from mental health challenges or requesting psychological care. I told her she may never know for sure, but she quite likely saved classmates from suicide by setting the example that it is okay to ask for help. I learned so much from my 13 year old daughter’s strength and example of how to use her story to help and serve others!
Thank you for sharing, Dan.
Jenny, you continue to inspire in so many levels and your vulnerability, realism and courage are greatly appreciated and admired. Keep telling your story.
Joann Paton
Dan: Thank you for posting such articles, I read them every day and in some ways your discussions are more on how we live life than anything else. Yes Leadership but more life management both in ones community, at ones job and with ones family.
Thanks Roger. Your point is well taken. I believe that leadership is about all of life, not simply business. 🙂
Dan, great post, love to read, the adverse situations bring the best out of you, failure is the first brick in the whole foundation.Adverse conditions calibrate your ability and your strength to rise and inspire you to push against the wall. A failed student is the great master in teaching how to find ways for survival. Disadvantageous circumstances teach you to fight and move.
Thanks Rajesh. I read in your comment that another advantage of disadvantage is learning to adapt. Flexibility with focus and tenacity are great qualities. I can see how disadvantage promotes this powerful combination of qualities.
Jenny’s story and readers’ commentaries are inspiring. My mother, born in 1914, contracted bulbar polio at age five. Doctors had no idea what it was. She had to attend school in an orphanage because the neighborhood school was atop a huge hill she could not climb. She endured medical exams, experimental surgeries and numerous x-rays throughout her life. Thank God her siblings adored her and my dad loved her. Despite her constant pain, she was joyous, witty, a great cook and housekeeper and a beautiful mom. Imagine coming home from school and finding the furniture rearranged because mom set aside her crutches and leg braces, sat on the floor and dragged the furniture around the way she wanted it! We learned humility, bravery, courage and love from her turning her disadvantages into advantages and into learning opportunities. Judging by the hundreds of people who came to her funeral (she died from cancer at age 55), they learned from her disadvantages, as well.
I hadn’t expected this post to result in such powerful stories. Thank you!
The stories are spot on, people endure their entire lives with pain suffering and sorrow, yet they smile, live life to their fullest and seldom complain. I’ve have seen first hand what life’s cruel times can deliver yet we survive. Just look at all the wars the world has seen, the people rise above and become one again, some forgive, others can never forgive, whether we agree or not!
Thanks Tim. We rise. 🙂
Brilliant post. Not only leaders should practice authentic value and true self, one and all should. In saying this, today’s stereotypical world, along with unrealistic expectations may or could make this rather difficult, people being afraid to be different (unique) but then, is this not what keeps it interesting, being different (unique) and not being afraid or being made to be afraid to be different (unique).
Thanks Thinker. Organizational culture either supports or hinders authenticity. Sadly, in some organizations being real is a liability. Your comment reminds us that leadership has huge influence on courage or fear.
I think the danger is that most organisations are not interested in what is different or unique about people, but rather in their similarities and their ability to do the same things, the same way, so that “the customer sees the product, the same product, the same way, every time”. That’s a direct quote. Another quote is “You can be unique on your own time”.
Thanks Mitch. You’re right. It can be dangerous to be unique. Sadly, when we hide our uniqueness we lose energy and joy.
Cannot help but think organisations are missing out on opportunities, slowing progress by being more interested in similarities, same things, same way etc. Further thought, would customer A use, want to use the product the same way as customer B. As for being “unique in your own time”, sadly in these times, people can find it very difficult to have “own time”, it appears to be a thing of the past with organisations being the way they currently are.
I am beginning to see that if one wants to succeed in a more and more disruptive world that one needs to think out side the box, be unique,think differently and then put yourself apart from others. Those that remain in the same stodgy box may continue but miss out on the real cream out their. We should embrace uniqueness from all and find way to involve those different from the norm as they will help us thru the disruption.