How to Express Empathy Like a Leader
You can’t lead until you connect with people.
Empathy is the channel of connection.
How to express empathy like a leader:
#1. Verbalize the emotion of others:
Empathy acknowledges emotion. Acknowledgement isn’t agreement.
“It seems like you feel discouraged.”
I recently led a team in an empathy exercise. First, I told them I was intimidated by a future opportunity. I asked them to tell me how I was feeling.
Empathy made me feel surprisingly optimistic and strong. They didn’t offer solutions. They verbalized my emotion.
People rise after they feel understood.
#2. Empathy applies to bright and dark emotion.
Don’t reserve empathy for sadness. Connect by celebrating-with.
“You must feel thrilled to have this opportunity.”
Tip: Notice positive emotion when progress needs to continue.
#3. Focus on others.
Keep “you” in your language. You might say, “I think you must feel overwhelmed.” Try saying, “YOU must feel overwhelmed.”
“I” moves conversations away from others. “You” keeps others front and center.
There’s a place to say, “I know how you feel.” Or, “I’ve been through something like this.” But use “I” sparingly.
#4. Seek affirmation of your understanding.
- Am I understanding you?
- Do you think I get what’s going on for you?
- Am I getting how you’re feeling?
If you’re on target, connection is strengthened. Hearts open.
When you misunderstand, adapt.
Empathy says, “It seems like you’re worried about missing your target. Am I understanding you?” They say, “No. Really I’m angry that my target was set too high.”
“Ah. I hear you. You’re angry that your target was set too high.”
#5. Answer emotion before offering answers.
The rush to fix people results in frustration, resistance, and discouragement.
Ears remain closed until people feel understood.
Influence requires a willing heart. Hearts open AFTER people feel understood.
What prevents leaders from expressing empathy?
What suggestions do you have for expressing empathy like a leader?
Bonus material:
Empathy Protects you from being a Jerkhole (LF)
5 Reasons Empathy is the Most Important Leadership Skill (FC)
Empathy in the Workplace (CCL)
How to Become a more Empathetic Leader (Northeastern)
What prevents leaders from expressing empathy? They’re too focused on the hard data–the numbers, the metrics, the bar graphs etc.
What suggestions do you have for expressing empathy like a leader?
Leaders influence and inspire people to change? So your empathy needs to be focused on the required changes.
“How do you feel about our current performance?”
“How do you feel about the changes we are pursuing?”
“What changes give you the biggest concerns?”
“What do you feel good about, regarding the current changes we are making?”
Thanks Paul. Your comment reminds me that the soft stuff is the hard stuff.
Agree with both of you. Some leaders in my past work experience considered asking employees how they felt about abrupt changes, missing the mark, frustrations, etc. to be a sign of weakness. Heaven forbid giving the employee a pass on his or her performance issues or struggles.
This is a lesson that all leaders, managers, and parents should learn early on in their journey. I’ve experience the leader focusing on solutions before I finished voicing my frustrations, it kept me from being more open or engaged with them. As a team lead it can be overwhelming to focus on listening because it is not usually in the job description. We are each expected to submit a set amount of time each week to our organization to complete task within a set time limit. Taking time to listen isn’t always a priority. I feel it is those self-imposed collateral duties that set good and bad leaders apart.
Empathy is the ability to recognize, understand, and truly share in what another person is feeling from their frame of reference. It is the foundation for compassion, and essential for many relationships, including those with whom you work. Being empathetic is a key characteristic of being a good leader, and unfortunately is sometimes equated with being “soft”. Having the emotional intelligence to be aware of the feelings of other people is an essential skill. It allows you to form an effective team of leaders and build a trusting culture. Influential leaders are trustworthy and display awareness and appreciation for the feelings of others, even if they do not agree with them.
Considering the feelings over those around you in an objective manner strengthens communication and can increase productivity. Giving employees’ the space they need to feel heard and valued allows you to better understand what they need in order to succeed.
Seeking first to learn and understand before acting takes self-discipline and reminders, but it becomes easier over time. Additionally, empathy is contagious. Something as simple as a compliment can be enough to encourage employees to want to do more for themselves and their peers, further spreading the positivism.