The Stories We Tell Ourselves
People judge you by the story they tell themselves about you.
The most powerful words we hear are the stories we tell to ourselves.
Potential stories:
Normally I greet people warmly, with a handshake or a hug. But over the last few days, I’ve kept my distance. Potential stories…
- Dan is upset about something.
- Dan is mad at me.
The truth – I have a cold and don’t want to infect people.
Robbery:
Everything done is interpreted through story.
Negative stories erase positive intentions. You’re working to practice kindness. But a gossip says you’re mad.
(Negative stories carry more weight than positive because bad is stronger than good.)
Stories are revelations:
The stories people tell about you are often about them.
The person who receives a short email might think you’re mad. In reality, you value brevity.
- Skeptical people use the lens of doubt to interpret actions.
- Greedy people think money is motivating you.
- Bitter people think you’re out for revenge.
Overcommunicate:
Fill in the blanks before others complete the story for you.
4 things to overcommunicate:
- Immediate goals. What are you trying to achieve in the near-term?
- Purpose. What are you trying to accomplish in the far-term? What are you sacrificing now, so you can achieve something bigger in the future?
- Heart intentions. Everyone needs to know the good that’s in your heart.
- Wins. Define wins and then celebrate them every step of the way.
The other side – your stories:
Say what you notice, not the story you make up.
“I notice you hurrying out of the office. What’s happening?”
Avoid asking, “What’s wrong?”
Judgment reveals assumption.
Choose neutral language, rather than ascribing negative intent.
Example: “You don’t seem yourself today. What’s going on for you?”
How might leaders influence the stories people tell themselves?
Bonus material:
The Stories we Tell Ourselves (NY Times)
Why we Need to be Mindful of the Stories we Tell Ourselves (Thrive Global)
Dan, Thanks for this post, it is timely. I’m always working to be curious and quell the voice inside my head that at times seems scripted. Curiosity makes space for positive causes and outcomes!
Thanks Dale. It seems the practice of positive curiosity might be helpful. Wonder about what might be right. That’s a new thought for me.
Dan, have you read “Never Split the Difference” by Chris Voss? HUGELY recommended if not. He has a term for the types of questions you suggest (“Say what you notice”). He calls them “accusation audits.” In my opinion his term seems a bit adversarial but it’s just a term of art and he doesn’t suggest an aggressive approach. But by labeling the behavior of the other person it can break up a communication logjam. It also serves to show that you are embracing the onus of getting to the next step in the dialogue.
I also loved this: “ Fill in the blanks before others complete the story for you.” Thanks for another great post. —Chris
Thanks Chris. I’ve heard of Voss’s book, but haven’t read it yet. Thanks for mention it. Thanks also for the good word.
Potential stories, 1 more Dan, you didn’t want to spread the flu? 🙂
How might leaders influence the stories people tell themselves? Be a straight shooter and there will be no confusion.
Thanks Tim. Generally, assuming the best is better than assuming the worst. 🙂
There are times when we may adjust a story directed toward us and we may make a conscious adjustment to divert the focus from us and/or to PROTECT ourselves from random character assassinations.
Recently, the 1st Lady of a local church chose to announce to the attendees that I am a MEAN person and that God had sent her that message because she is a Prophetess. She had no idea who I was nor anything about me. MEAN??? No one on earth would define my character as such, so I have no idea what her agenda was or is. Obviously I will not attend that church again under any circumstances.
As such, the STORY I’m certain of is that I am a generous and good person versus what someone has to say about me from anywhere.
My story about me is clean and good. I could adopt some defensive rhetoric but it isn’t worth it. It is best that I simply protect myself by avoiding the church and that person forever.
Thanks c3leader. I so sorry this happened on so many levels.
Brene Brown authored a story in the Sept. 2015 issue of O Magazine titled “The Unreliable Narrator”. She related an exchange with her husband over there being no groceries in the house/refrigerator and used that to illustrate the way in which we create a story in our head – as you indicate, usually fiction. She pushed readers to poke and prod at their feelings to understand how those feelings influence that story we create and to understand our own story behind the feelings. Thought it was quite insightful…as is your post written from a different perspective and for an entirely different audience. Made me think about this idea again. With so much of our communication being via devices, I think being able to ask those questions you suggest becomes very important. Thanks for the advice!
Thanks Wendy. Yes, electronic communication has special challenges. The versions of communication that don’t include visual contact, the challenge multiplies. Thanks for extending the conversation.
There is so much truth and revelation in this post that I had not thought about before. I am particularly guilty of using the lens of doubt to interpret actions in personal relationships when I have become skeptical of that person. I can overanalyze the smallest things and even swear to know the tone with which a text was sent. I can also easily come up with five different scenarios in no time of a situation. I think that this is a flaw that is driven by uncertainty, doubt, and lack of trust. However, it also signals that it is time to let go of that relationship.
In addition, I have the hardest time with overcommunication. I think that it is definitely a good technique to incorporate into daily use to help clarify other’s story about you. However, I tend to be more reserved and I hate to draw attention to myself. I do not like to boast about what I do, particularly in regards to my wins. Nonetheless, overcommunication will be a skill that I will incorporate in my professional life, as I see it as an essential component in maintaining transparent communication with others. With practice, I am sure that it will become second nature while remaining direct and professional.