Why Sulking Succeeds and What to Do About It
Kids sulk to get their way. I sulked when I did poorly at a carnival game. Surprisingly, it worked. But I didn’t win on my second try either.
Years ago, when I was young and foolish, we had friends over to play Monopoly. I ended up sulking on the couch. My friend’s wife wouldn’t trade with me! (The trades I propose are good for “you”, so why reject them?)
Sulking:
Sulking, brooding, moping, or the cold shoulder are attempts to get attention and convince others to give us what we want.
Sulking is seeking acknowledgement and showing disapproval – without actually saying it.
Sulking succeeds when others ask, “What’s wrong?”.
Subtle expressions of sulking include:
- Closing the office door when it’s normally open.
- Walking around with a long face.
- Eye rolling.
- Sighing.
- Avoiding social interaction.
- Calling in sick.
- Leaving early.
Withdrawal is the safe way to say, “I’m not getting what I want.”
Disapproval:
Lousy leaders create stress by showing disapproval subtly.
Successful leaders tell others what isn’t working. They don’t sulk, pout, and avoid issues.
Sulking feels safe. Subtle disapproval puts responsibility on others to take action. “If you roll your eyes, you don’t have to say what you really want.”
The opposite:
Do the opposite, if you’re inclined to use the strategies of a two year old to get your way.
- Lean in gently.
- Invite conversation.
- Use words, not facial expressions. Just say it.
- State goals, intentions, and expectations. Lack of clarity gives birth to disappointment.
- Seek to understand others. We get so caught up in our wants that we forget to understand others.
- Express approval more than disapproval.
- Focus first on your responsibility. Blame is brother to sulking.
How might leaders express disapproval effectively?
talk about it, explain why the disapproval, in the all important respectful but firm tone.
“If you roll your eyes, you don’t have to say what you really want.” Wow, this quote is so true. It takes courage for us to state what we need or want. I never looked at it this way, but really sulking is a passive form of bullying. This puts my feet on the coals to make sure I don’t sulk either knowingly or unknowingly!
Thank you Dan!
I love that you mentioned taking ownership and seeing what WE can fix first. Extreme ownership is always key. One way I look at it is have I been crystal clear about my expectations? Like you said “Lack of clarity breeds disappointment”. Once the expectations have been set, allow some time for the change to settle. Once that time has come, look to see who is having trouble adjusting then start having you conversations there. Are there family issues? Are there health issues? Dig a little to see what the root issue is. Then go from there.
Wow… the “inside voice”… sometimes this needs to become an “outside voice” to provide feedback in a respectful way… Something to work on for sure!! Thanks for this!
How do we deal with a sulking eye-roller without rewarding the behavior?
I would love to see a post about this!
So would I… so many eye rollers and sulkers in my team!
I imagine you deal with it as you would a child by not reward the sulking or tantrum.
Ignore and see if they re-engage; or
Acknowledge not through asking “what’s wrong.” but instead by calling it for what it is “looks like you’re sulking about something, either make a decision to discuss constructively or get one with the work”
Wow! This is great. Successful leaders tell others what isn’t working. Thanks!!!