Elevate Your Emotional Intelligence in 5 Easy Steps
It’s another wonderful book giveaway!!
20 copies available!!
Leave a comment on this guest post by Kathy Stoddard Torrey to become eligible for one of 20 complimentary copies of her new book, Elevate Your Emotional Intelligence: A Parable That Reveals the Path to Better Relationships and a Happier Life.
Deadline for eligibility is 05/18/2023. International winners will receive electronic version.
In Elevate Your Emotional Intelligence, the reader follows John’s journey from down-and-out to balanced, happy, and enjoying positive relationships. He achieves his new stature over time by increasing his emotional intelligence.
In its simplest form, emotional intelligence includes self-awareness, self-discipline, relationship awareness, and relationship management.
Five easy steps to follow to elevate your emotional intelligence:
Step 1: Know Yourself
Self-awareness is the foundation of emotional intelligence. One way to know yourself is to define your values and priorities. You cannot make good decisions without knowing what’s important to you and why.
Step 2: Determine the Desired Outcome
Leaders can’t get what they want from a conversation unless they clearly define what that is and know the techniques to get it. One way to keep your desired outcome at the forefront is to constantly ask yourself before you speak or act, “Will these words or this action help me get the outcome that I want?”
Step 3: Read the Room
Discerning what others are thinking and feeling is a skill we can learn. One way to read the room is to pay close attention to people’s nonverbal communication. Do their tone of voice and facial expressions support the words that they are saying?
Step 4: Listen More, Talk Less
Telling others how to solve their problems isn’t the best way to help them. One way to listen more is to always ask three curious questions before offering any input or advice.
Step 5: Create a Peaceful Foundation
There are many ways to create peace and happiness in our lives. One research-backed way is to meditate. There are many other ways, and you must find what works best for you.
Which emotional intelligence skills is serving you well? Why?
Kathy Stoddard Torrey is a leadership coach, trainer, and speaker who helps individuals and organizations achieve success by creating positive relationships. She provides leadership and interpersonal communication seminars internationally to leaders in a variety of industries and to companies such as Deutsche Bank and GE Aviation. She is the author of Elevate Your Emotional Intelligence: A Parable That Reveals the Path to Better Relationships and a Happier Life. Learn more about Kathy’s work here.
Quotes:
“We must decide where we want to go, what we want to accomplish, and who we want to be. I call choosing with intention ‘waving around the Magic Wand of Destiny.’”
“Ask yourself what actions, words, and attitudes would give you the best chance at achieving your desired outcome.”
“Paying attention to nonverbal communication can greatly enhance our awareness of how the people around us are feeling and how we are affecting them.”
“One of the greatest gifts that you can give someone is your time and undivided attention.”
Great article and I am positive the information in this book will be life enhancing. Thanknyou
Fantastic insight. Looking forward to the book.
Big fan of the vagrant, so you had me at “parable”.
Talk about timing! This would be great for me.
Based on this article, I’m sure the book will provide helpful and insightful ways to become even more attuned to my emotional intelligence and how others may perceive my words and actions.
Self awareness and self-management are two key principles that make a huge difference in leading others.
Good article, thank you for sharing.
Thank you, Kathy, for sharing these points. Dan does such a great job focusing us on the foundations of leardership – he is such a valuable resource. We can all keep working on our EQ. Thanks, M2
Wow. Do I need some help here…I think I’m consistently successful with one or two of the five, but definitely need to work on the others. Self-care is where I’m weakest. I need this book! 😳
Thank you! As a leader who often spends time with new employees, I try to emphasize the importance of internal customer service and our need to depend on one another. Workers who serve the public often must remember to support and serve each other and we can only do that through relationship building. Finding joy in what you do must be in the connections you make with each other. I would enjoy reading this book!
I recently took over managing a team of individuals who had not had a leader for over a year. They felt neglected and were unnerved with me stepping into the role since no prior manager had stayed for long. The skill that has served me best is listening and acting on concerns. They had never been heard so just listening opened a big door for me. This team had experienced a lot of changes with no communication or training. I keep them “in the know” so there will be no surprises. 2024 is going to be a year of change and transformation for this team. My goal is to continue to engage and motivate them to feel heard.
These are five tremendous pillars to emotional awareness and message delivery.
I think this topic is under-promoted in leadership circles. We can learn to adjust our communication styles, and thus productivity, based on the EI quotient of our team.
Listen more talk less! Needs to be done a lot more!
Talk about timing! I needed to read this post today, right now.
I am heading into a meeting with our team that is go to require every one of the points mentioned. There are some changes that need to occur and this will require listening more than speaking to hear the concerns of the group.
Amazing how appropriate this is whether you are a leader of your business or an employee of that business.
I love the suggestion of asking 3 questions before coming to a solution. As a notorious problem solver, it is so easy to jump in to that mode, which, if you haven’t read the room, can lead to frustration. Would love to read more on emotional intelligence!
As a leader in my organization I do find that relational interaction can be the most productive. It is also useful in private life situations Anything I can use to improve these skills would be useful.
Great stuff! Emotional intelligence is one of my favorite topics so definitely looking forward to the book.
For me emotional intelligence has always included two things.
1. The ability to control your emotions, particularly in high-pressure situations. (Self Control)
2. The ability to make observations and ask question to understand what people are thinking and feeling. (Empathy)
Does your book recommend additional skills that I need to focus on?
Yes, Paul. I think the most important foundation for emotional intelligence is knowing yourself. We must be aware of our values, priorities, and beliefs so that we have a ruler for decision making. We must also be aware of our triggers. Not knowing what sets us off makes it much more difficult to display self-control.
There are quite a few other skills that will help you to increase your emotional intelligence. Reading some of the reviews on Amazon will give you an idea of what my book offers.
Good and poor EI skills can be so impactful. Good read. Thanks.
Thank you for these reminders! I have been working on #4 and #5 a lot lately, so this article was very timely for me. I have found that focusing on finding peace makes the others a little easier to accomplish.
I’d love to read this. EQ is so vitally important and often misunderstood.
I would love to read the book. I am very self aware and can read a room (empath), but I definitely need to work on the other aspects (stress management). I like the point of asking 3 questions before providing input or advice. Wanting to help and being with the company 27 years, I often provide the answers or take things on myself, which not only overloads myself, it does a disservice to the requester.
Great reminders! Its very easy to get caught up in your own thoughts and feelings, especially when a conversation doesn’t go the way you planned. My mentor continually reminds us to ‘always assume positive intent’. When someone lashes out, what are they trying to get out of it?
Emotional Intelligence is truly a tough skill to teach others and often we need to get our noses rubbed in it to remind ourselves of this skill. Step 4 is vital and I know I often lack that. I have to constantly remind myself not to fix others as that is not my job. Listening is a skill that is a challenge to do with consistency especially as things get busy. It is still our job as leaders to do so!
I’m reading two other books ultimately about this very topic and would love to include this one next!
I have read 3 books that touch this subject in 2024. Love it!
Really thought provoking article. Looking forward to the book.
As our organization goes through a historic reorganization the importance of emotional intelligence is critical to our success. The very first point hits the nail on the head. We must have self awareness and we must be clear about our values of priorities if want our workforce to buy in and follow.
This sounds like a great book. I’m looking forward to reading it.
I have learned through my leadership journey that knowing myself, and my non-verbal, defensiveness, or blaming behavior doesn’t add value to the situation. In order to add value, I must be fully aware of what, how and when I speak. Sometimes, my role is not to speak at all, but to just listen. Giving someone the time to talk through the struggle gives them the confidence to make future decisions. Emotional Intelligence is an important component of being a strong leader.
I believe all the pillars are important, but you must know yourself and what you want to accomplish in order to get your desired outcome. If you get good at listening and reading the room, you will most likely have a better approach when trying to solve issues.
Emotional intelligence is such a critical component of leadership. Looking forward to the book!
Emotional intelligence is the one area I am always, ALWAYS growing in. I am excellent at reading the room and determining where others are in the conversation. I am not always so aware of my own presentation. Great update today.
Emotions? That is the biggest issues for any leader. Learning how to deal with your own emotions and how to deal with the variety of your team is challenging and exhausting at the same time. Thanks for the articles they are inspiring and uplifting.
EQ is the leader’s superpower. The Consortium for Advancing Social Emotional Learning (CASEL) notes five areas of EQ – self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship management, and responsible decision making. We start with self-awareness because any leader who lacks self-awareness is dangerous.
I love the thought of pausing to determine what actions, words, and attitudes would offer the best chance of me receiving my desired outcomes. It is very hard, when someone is passionate about a topic, to be focused on anything but what they want. However, that doesn’t always get them what they want. The tip about reading the room is another great one. I would absolutely love to get my hands on this book. It sounds like great stuff!
“One way to listen more is to always ask three curious questions before offering any input or advice.”
I’m really working on this at home and at work. People learn more when they can come up with a solution on their own. I am working hard at making leaders, and leaders process and come up with solutions by answering their own questions as well as those of others. I want to help lead them to solutions by asking the right questions so their reliance on me is minimal. I will not be here forever but they will always be there to come up with solutions in life and at work whether they are with me or not.
The ability to “Read the Room” is such an important skill for every role.
I am amazed at the number of individuals who struggle to read the room. For most individuals, it is easy to get a sense of what they are thinking about what you said. However, it involves paying attention and to a certain extent, caring what they are thinking.
Been an EQ disciple since Dan Goldman’s first book. Would love to read this one!
Great synopsis. Knowing yourself is a huge one in addition to the listening more. I think most of us have heard the old axiom that we have 2 ears and 1 mouth, so we should listen twice as much as we speak, which I know for me can be the challenge.
I would also add that it is important to go into each situation believing that everyone has the same end goal and that they are working in a positive way to achieve that goal. Once that is understood you need to not take differences personally, which just increases the temperature of any interaction.
Learning about EQ has really increased my leadership skills and my ability to reach people where they are. I took a powerful admin academy on this topic this year and I look forward to reading this book to learn even more.
Looking forward to learning more about skills to become a better leader and a better human being, for my self and people around me.
Another great topic and article Dan. Emotional Intelligence is an important dynamic to any team and is often neglected and not discussed. Communication in its many forms can sink a team quickly. Looking forward to a great read!!
Love the simplicity to her framework.
Emotional Intelligence is one of the most important skills to learn for success in life.
Dave
I think knowing yourself is the most important thing you can do. It allows you to open up to possibilities and to be vulnerable which allows change and growth.
Research shows that companies that have EQ training are much more productive. We do EQ training at our company so I am interested in reading Kathy’s book to see if there is anything we can add to our training. Such an important topic.
Emotional intelligence in the workplace enhances team cohesion and improves communication. In my agency we are all bachelor or master level social workers so this is a skill that many of us came into our field with.
This is an excellent post – all very useful information in the life…not just the workplace.
Yes! Love this post. I’m a school psychologist and recently became a certified practioner of EQ assessment and development using the EQi and EQ 360. It’s the most fulfilling accomplishment since I earned my MA in School Psych 20 years ago. I can’t wait to use these skills to support the EQ development of school leaders!
I’m not sure these are necessarily “easy” steps for some folks. If it were “easy” then everyone in the workplace would have high emotional intelligence. In particular, “know yourself,” is not something that most people have ever spent time doing despite it’s simple sounding directive. Listing your values and goals are a really good first step, but it goes beyond that to truly spending time with yourself (meditation, contemplation, etc.) and being open to receiving critical feedback from others. This entails vulnerability, which can be viewed as a weakness by some, and so this feedback approach is not easily entered into.
Similarly, “Listen More, Talk Less,” is also not “easy” for some folks. There are many in my workplace who cannot deal with any silence in a conversation and will interject even the tritest small talk to avoid having to confront the silence. Don’t get me wrong, these are all good ideas, but labeling them as “easy,” I feel, doesn’t give credence to the amount of work it actually takes to boost one’s emotional intelligence.
Thank you for bringing up the topic, looking forward to hearing more about it.
I need to work on reading the room more before speaking. Something I am trying to keep at the forefront of my mind.
Emotional Intelligence is critical to successful leadership. This book would be excellent to enhance professional growth.
It’s taken many years to learn and apply these emotional intelligence steps to my day to day, but I can attest that these, and they do indeed make a difference not only in my careers but also at home when parenting our children.
First, you must establish your ethos, then listen intently to observe other’s desired outcomes to be in alignment with your peers, which will minimize friction. In the end, it’s about building mutual respect for one another through establishing that peaceful foundation. Excellent post today!
I would love to understand more about emotional intelligence. I believe any information that can make me a better leader and a better person is so valuable!
great incite on Emotional Intelligence – look forward to reading the whole book “Elevate Your Emotional Intelligence.”
Excellent post that you can use both professionally and in your personal life
I struggle with aligning my “outdoor voice” (aka my facial expressions) when I’m listening. It’s not that I disagree with what I’m hearing and I often don’t even recognize that I’m doing it so I’m frequently looking for tips on how to be more aware of this!
The three curious questions is my favorite. The other day, it struck me that you can’t be curious if you’ve already decided the situation is an irredeemable mess. Like, duh, what’s the point of asking questions if the other person is an evil intentioned idiot?
Maybe curiosity can be the baseline action that’s easy to remember to do even when you are emotional. Asking 3 curious questions forces you to slow down, think of the other person, delve deep enough to find something to be curious about, listen. Start with curiosity and you’ll find yourself forgetting the churn of negativity. In other words, curiosity primes you to fake it until you make it.
I think I will adopt “curiosity” as my word for this year.
The part I need to work on is the mindfulness- meditation or something else that keeps me centered and focused on my values when emotions get high. Everything in EQ seems obvious, and it is very apparent when we’re around someone with high EQ, yet it comes easier to some than others. It goes back to the saying that people may forget what you say and even what you have done, but they never forget how you make them feel.
This topic needs to be brought into the forefront more often! Emotional intelligence is key to growth and success, and it needs to be put out there more!
Hello, thanks for this book!
Great article. I have seen well educated people stumble in this area and not achieve the goals they were seeking. Academia is great on university campuses but in the workplace, EQ is the connection that make ideas travel. If there is not connection, no matter how great the idea, it will fall flat. I wish I had read more about EQ earlier in life. It would have helped me from opening my mouth too soon and helped me to listen more.
Living “Create a Peaceful Foundation” as I started meditating about 18 months ago. I feel that I’m better able to handle the ups and downs of my entire life (and I thought I was doing a pretty good job before I started meditating).
This book just on the topic alone IS NEEDED!! I cant wait to get my hands on this!
This topic is much more important than anything else. knowing myself has been a challenge where this book can help.
Great article, very concise. I think people would live more healthy, happy and productive lives if they would study and put into practice emotional intelligence.
I recently read a book about Hidden Potential by Adam Grant. He talks about the character skills that will help our children succeed in life. Emotional Intelligence is extremely important for success. I would love a copy of the book.
Would love to win this parable as we used your parable for our book club for leaders and had great feedback as everyone was able to discern their own interpretation of the characters journey. Thanks for offering.
I could count in one hand, folk who I would consider a leader. I wish I had more.
Excellent excerpt/article.
Doing a lot of reflection, introspection and research to help prepare for conversations, meetings, etc. is always beneficial.
Do tell…
What are the three curious questions we should be asking before offering any input or advice?
“One way to listen more is to always ask three curious questions before offering any input or advice.”
This is such sage advice, to help us achieve obtain our ultimate goal:
“Ask yourself what actions, words, and attitudes would give you the best chance at achieving your desired outcome.”
Thank you.
I would love to read more @Kathy Stoddard Torrey.
I’m an emerging leader and know that this is very helpful advice. I especially relate to ‘read the room.’ This allows you to tailor your message for the audience in a way that gets their attention while showing that you ‘get’ them. Thank you.
In today’s era, where individuals’ attention is highly prized and major social media corporations invest billions in understanding how to captivate it, the following sentiment resonates deeply: “One of the greatest gifts that you can give someone is your time and undivided attention.”
It’s true. At a certain point in life and your career, EQ becomes a more important and evident success factor than technical knowledge or IQ.
#5 Create a Peaceful Foundation. I meditate and practice yoga about 4/5 days per week. It has been a game changer. Find a good yoga studio and give yourself permission to be on a mat with your self, empty your mind allow the the thoughts of the day drift away.
This sounds like an amazing book and I would love a copy – thank you Dan,
Self-awareness is the cornerstone and is so often what leaders and individuals do not take the time to understand and practice. It takes practice to really understand how you show up, which provides the door open to reacting with intention. EQ should be taught in all universities and all levels of professional development. It is foundational professionally and personally.
Looking forward to an opportunity to read this book.
Self awareness (know thyself), Self Regulation (control emotions/impulses), Motivation (willing to lose for long term success), Empathy and Social skills (accessible, let others win) are the pre-requisite to master the journey to EQ. We practice daily and when I fall, pickup myself (learn from the mistake) push the reset button and keep on practicing for life.
Meditation is something I continue to work on……very influential on self-regulation. Would love to learn more!
I am presenting a workshop on Emotional Intelligence and these 5 easy steps will be beneficial for my workshop. I am sure that the book will have valuable information.
I believe that continuing to work on my self-awareness has been key in my development as a leader!
Listen more and talk less is something that you think you do but probably don’t.
Also, reading the room is an important part of being a good leader.
I am looking forward to reading more on these topics in this book.
I love #3. Read the Room. Nonverbal cues are just as important as verbal communication. Being able to read others and to pick up on cues especially during difficult conversations can be crucial in making a turning point for the hard conversation to end on a positive. Being able to reframe ones thinking as well as others to redirect the conversation can be beneficial for all. If others don’t seem to be emotional intelligence in areas, it’s vital for those who are even in the very least bit, to model that behavior to be a teacher/mentor for others.
Working on my EQ pretty much every day, and in every interaction. It does not come easy to me, but perhaps that’s a good thing as it requires me to consistently think about it, work on it, develop it as a skill.
This book looks great. Will put it on the list to read.
I need to work on creating a peaceful foundation.
Thank you for these insights. I will have to look into this book. As a leader in a childcare center, I feel as though I am constantly solving problems but not guiding others to solve many of them by themselves. This is causing me to feel burnt out and my teachers to feel as though they don’t have to be held accountable. This may be the answer I am looking for in how to turn this all around to prevent myself from walking away from this position.
Looking forward to reading your book! My three C’s: Curiosity, Compassion & Clarity!
One can never learn or know enough about this essential topic. Am looking forward to learning more.
Creating a baseline of peace is so important. Great message!
This comes at a perfect time as I am reevaluating my emotional intelligence to improve my leadership.
I think I possess a high level of EI, but am always seeking to learn more and be stronger! Continuous learning is key to leadership.
Another great recommendation! Number 5 is my strongest, according to my dentist. Number 4 is the one I really need to heed.
Hi Dan, I think EI is driven by several components – our mental, emotional, spiritual understanding of ourselves. I think our emotional self understanding is often missed as a vital input to success. When we find ourselves acting in a way we realise isnt beneficial, often the way to change behavior is to investigate what ‘locks’ us into those choices. Often the answer is in the emotions within us
Hey, been following you for a short time now.
I’m a fan of wisdom and application!
Being more interested in others than you are in your own agenda is a standout attribute of a constructive leader. I’d love a copy of the book but I think your supply may be exhausted by now!!
I seek to have strong emotional intelligence as well as to foster strong emotional intelligence with others. It’s a win-win for families, friends, communities, and companies.
I have just recently started reading your blog – I love how quick and snappy they are. Today’s topic is excellent – thank you!
“Leadership success depends on EQ more than technical talent.” Lesson I’ve learned the hard way. Relationships are more important than the task list. Wish this book had been around earlier in y career!
I definitely need this right now!! Dealing with anyone who lacks emotional IQ, especially those who are under your “leadership umbrella” is a real challenge.
Five easy steps that can also be challenging! Excellent topic.
So important to ‘know yourself’ and know how to be the most effective in a particular situation. Good to reflect and think about these topics.
This sounds like a great read for anyone committed to professional as well as personal growth.
Knowing yourself is foundational, and doing so genuinely. We can only give to the outside, what we are on the inside. The whole emotional intelligence disposition starts off there….
Love the insight and perspective! Can’t wait for the book release!
Quoting: “You cannot make good decisions without knowing what’s important to you and why.” Once we choose to proactively make decisions (and act upon them), we MUST first choose to learn as much as we can about the situations under consideration. This means considering available information associated with the situations. BUT we must accept we’ll never know everything, even if we ask lots of questions. Those questions and the honest, open discussions they initiate will help us improve our understanding.