Help: My Boss Doesn’t Support Me
Dear Dan,
I work in the Social Work/Mental Health field and am struggling to coach/supervise one of my staff who has been in one of my programs for the last two years. This person continuously brings “bull crap” to one-on-one interactions, as well as group and outsider provider interactions.
Her reaction when her perception, inconsistency, or helplessness is challenged is to blame and deflect. She is also very “know it all” and disrespectful/unprofessional at times.
I do not get the support I need from my boss. I could benefit from some tactical ideas and expertise on challenging one-sided perceptions, inconsistencies, and helplessness, as this names her behavior precisely.
Feeling Unsupported
Help! My boss doesn’t support me.
Dear Unsupported,
It feels like you’re in a painful situation. Sending me an email is one way to reach outside your organization. I encourage you to continue looking for support and advice beyond your boss.
Let’s begin with your boss. What you do when you don’t get what you want sets a tone in your work relationships. Have you told your boss what you want? What does support look like to you?
Make it easy for your boss to support you. Here are some conversation starters that might help.
- Could we discuss some ways I might deal with disrespectful employees?
- I’d like some advice.
- I want to run my plan by you before I take the next step. I intend to….
Don’t expect your boss to save the day.
Rise to the occasion. Seek input. Develop a plan. Take action. Evaluate results. Adapt. Try again.
Forget about a magic wand solution. All plans are imperfect.
It’s hard not to, but the worst thing you can do is ruminate on this situation. Action answers rumination. The goal of reflection is action.
Identify a small step forward and take it.
You have my best,
Dan
More tomorrow…
What suggestions do you have for Feeling Unsupported?
Find a mentor either within or outside of your organization. Sometimes it’s easier to get an outside perspective, especially when You may need help formulating a Strategic plan for action.
Thanks, Tamara. I think we get like a dog on a bone. All we see is one thing, the bone. A broader perspective opens our mind to other possible approaches.
Start by improving your interaction with your difficult staff member.
You mention this person continuously brings “bull crap” to one-on-one interactions. What does “bull crap” look like? Is that all the blaming and excuse-making they do?
I find victims often give rapid fire excuses for their behavior or performance. It’s important to slow down the conversation. Take one point at a time. They like to overwhelm you by presenting 5 excuses in one sentence. Ask questions and probe to make their excuse perfectly clear. Then discuss what they should have done to work to resolve the excuse.
Another technique is to have them provide written answers to several questions before your one-on-one meeting. Getting it in writing can lead to a more productive meeting.
Holding some people accountable for their performance is challenging, but it is part of your job.
Victims need to be coached on being responsible and learning they are not helpless. They need to learn how to be creative, solve problems, negotiate, and work through problems.
Thanks, Paul. I’m glad you thought about the second part of the question. I appreciate your suggestion to slow the conversation. Deal with one thing at a time. It’s confusing and draining to talk about 5 things at once. Your comment makes me think about maintaining control of the pace and focus of the conversation.
I really empathize with your situation. Definitely seek out a mentor!
1. Try to get others perspectives on how to work with this person. Seek out others that have worked with them and say “I’m having trouble connecting with XX about some topics, can you recommend a way that you have communicated with them that has been successful?” Or if they haven’t worked with this person, maybe see if they have dealt with this type of personality and could offer advice. Sometimes it can be about how to manage their personality.
2. Sometimes it helps to reach out to HR. Ask them for advice on how to handle this person. If they are not behaving professionally, they may need an intervention of sorts. It’s not healthy for your organization or for them to not get feedback on how they are behaving.
3. Check in with this person. Is there something going on with their personal life that is making them act out? Are they not happy with their job? Maybe there is something deeper going on that needs to be addressed.
Just some thoughts
Thanks, SB. I’m delighted you chimed in. Go to supervisors who have worked with her before. I think that’s brilliant.
When you bring it up to the boss you can say, “I already spoke with previous supervisors.” Point being, demonstrate that you are taking action.
I love the point about making it easy for your boss to support you. Sometimes we present a problem, but don’t articulate how the person can help us. So they do what they think is appropriate, but it doesn’t connect with the (unspoken) support we are seeking. In an ideal world, a supervisor would be skilled at drawing out what that help looks like to you, but sometimes that doesn’t happen.
I personally like the approach of saying to myself in advance of a meeting, “I feel unsupported. I would feel supported if my supervisor did…”. Fill in the blank, and then make that direct and clear ask of your supervisor. If they still don’t do it, well then yes you’re going to have to seek outside help, which is unfortunate. But I think a lot of times this direct and specific request will solve it (and also get you clear on what you need).
Love your insights, Fraser. “Make the ask.” If you have a good track record and a good relationship with your boss, saying, “I could really use your help with this one,” is compelling.
Don’t expect the boss to solve your problems for you, unless issues are about policy and approvals are necessary.
Document, document, document. With clear expectations and good documentation to back you up, a plan to improve performance seems reasonable, if you believe it can be salvaged. PIPs aren’t the end of the world and I’ve had staff be very successful with meeting/exceeding the expectations. It’s a committment from the leader as well. This person may decide they don’t want to put in the work to improve and own their behaviors or they may decide to do what’s needed. Losing someone can be difficult, however, the impact they are having on the work environment may overshadow any positive contribution they are making to the workplace. I truly believe in giving every possible opportunity for working with staff to show areas of concern, set clear expectations, and then hold them accountable to those expectations.
Thanks, HD. Writing stuff down is useful in many ways. Yes, it’s protection, but it’s also clarity.
A goal that’s on paper is more likely to be achieved.