How to Find the Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness
I screwed up my face Sunday morning. While trimming my beard, I took off the spacer to clean it and forgot to put it back. The bathroom mirror revealed irreparable damage. So, I trimmed the whole thing down to the skin.
When my wife saw it, she said, “What happened?” Her tone discomforted me. I’ve had a beard since my 20’s. One day long ago, I shaved it off. My wife’s first words back then, “Grow it back.” I like a woman who knows what she likes. And she likes my beard. So, I like my beard.
I forgot about my deformed visage after a few hours.
Self-forgetfulness is freedom.
Damage of self-consciousness:
Self-consciousness is slavery to anxiety. Your inner critic takes the tone of imagined criticisms from others. “They’re staring at you. They think you’re ugly.”
Imagined criticism from others transforms into damaging self-criticism. You imagine others think you’re ugly. So, you tell yourself, “I’m ugly.”
Self-consciousness is the end of authenticity. You’re not yourself when fear amplifies the imagined voice of others.
How to find the freedom of self-forgetfulness:
#1. Develop yourself.
There are four stages of competence.
- Unconscious incompetence.
- Conscious incompetence.
- Conscious competence.
- Unconscious competence.
Incompetence forces you to focus on yourself. When you learned to drive a car, you went through all four stages. Now you don’t even think about yourself while you drive.
#2. Limit yourself.
People pleasers never develop self-forgetfulness. Don’t assume a power you don’t possess.
You do a few things well and many poorly. Focus on what you do well and let everything else go.
#3. Turn outward.
You forget yourself when you get lost in something outside yourself. Sometimes it’s healthy. Other times it’s destructive. Workaholics forget themselves, for example.
Bring advantage to others.
Turn toward something bigger than yourself. If it’s bigger than yourself, it requires self-forgetfulness.
How does self-consciousness hold people back?
How have you developed self-forgetfulness?
Learning that we ” can’t please everyone one but you have to please yourself” old Cliché from the 70’s song.
Honestly doing g what’s makes us comfortable, I too had a beard expwith gas grill my little daughters stated “Daddy don’t do that again”! I was lucky. Nonetheless the lesson could have been worse. Luckily it grew back….Cheers
Thankfully, most of the mistakes we make aren’t permanent.
I like your idea about shifting your attention from yourself to your message or the other person’s needs.
When I shaved off my beard early in my marriage, my wife said, Can you get some Miracle Grow to help you grow it back ASAP?”
Sounds like your wife has strong feelings too. Good for you.
Thanks for reminding us about our inner critic. UGH! That voice can be so loud. I’m going to work on quieting it. Thanks for the post!
I hear you Collen. One strategy that helps is simply to write down everything your inner critic says. Just write it down. Nothing more. Cheers
Thank you Dan, I needed to read this today. I find my mind can focus so dang hard on the failure/problem/fire or whatever’s blaring and right about to happen, and not make space for the minutes and hours after it, when self-forgetfulness or other resolutions can help make progress.
My pleasure, Brandon. It’s always wonderful when we read something or meet someone and it has an impact on us. Thank you for taking time to let me know.
I had to smile. I made a similar mistake with hair clippers once. I ended up with a shaved head. Hope your beard comes back quickly!
I understand the four stages of competence from learning a new piano piece. Once you reach unconscious competence – i.e., once the notes are completely under your fingers – you can make music! You can make it express what you want to say. That’s where I want to be in my work, not held back by having to figure out the mechanics each time (or having to watch myself like a hawk to make sure I get them right).
And thanks for the reminder on limiting ourselves. Trying to major in what we do poorly deprives others of our contribution and ourselves of satisfaction.
I find the tone of your comment delightfully positive. I felt encouraged reading what you said.
It’s so interesting that when we lose ourselves to something we also find ourselves. When you are so competent that you aren’t even thinking…that’s when you find yourself. Wonderful.
I just recently made this mistake, myself! Arriving home after a 20-hour drive, I was eager to trim to relieve the discomfort of an unusually-long beard pushing the edges… a few strokes later, it became clear that shaving decisions should never be made while sleep-deprived.
I’m glad you mentioned the potentially destructive sides of forgetting yourself. Somehow the tension of forgetting yourself, while being mindful of others (including your family) — instead of focusing solely the tasks — is the key doorway to consistent, healthy patterns in life.
I’ve read that sleep deprivation is like being drunk. So don’t cut your hear when you’re drunk. 🙂
Glad you mention the importance of being aware of others. I’ve recently been reflecting on the difference between self-consciousness and self-awareness. One thing is judging. Self-consciousness includes self-condemnation.