Help! She Brings Bull Crap to One-on-Ones
Dear Dan,
I work in the Social Work/Mental Health field and am struggling to coach and supervise, one of my staff who has been in one of my programs for the last two years. This person continuously brings “bull crap” to one-on-one interactions, as well as group and outsider provider interactions.
Her reaction when her perception, inconsistency, or helplessness is challenged is to blame and deflect. She is also very “know it all” and disrespectful/unprofessional at times.
I could benefit from some tactical ideas and expertise on challenging one-sided perceptions, inconsistencies, and helplessness, as this names her behavior precisely.
Sincerely,
Feeling Disrespected
Dear Disrespected,
I feel painful emotions when I read your email. You hint that this has been happening for two years.
It’s nearly impossible to coach someone who doesn’t take responsibility for their own growth and development. But it seems that you can’t choose who you work with.
First, get on the same side of the table. Adversarial relationships waste energy. Negative feelings block connection. Can you honestly seek to advantage your frustrating team member? A coach is an ally not an adversary. The first work is in your heart. Make a list of everything you like about this person.
Second, develop responses that take one-on-ones in useful directions. Don’t ask “why” questions because they invite excuses. Instead, repeat what you hear. Say it back word-for-word. People need to see their own crazy. Say, “I heard you say X. Is that true?” Get confirmation. Then ask, “What are other ways to see this situation?”
A third option is to share your judgment. “I heard you say X. That feels like helplessness to me. What do you think?” If she responds, “I don’t feel helpless,” affirm her response. Then ask, “What are you able to do about this?”
Fourth, don’t have the same conversation over and over. Admit your approach isn’t working and change strategies.
Fifth, wave the white flag. You may not be able to move this person forward. In that case prevent damage. In client meetings, assign topics to each team member to control conversations, for example. Do your best to marginalize this person. Give her assignments she can do on her own.
Finally, learn as much as you can about yourself. This is your opportunity to develop. Sometimes growth is painful. How do you want to show up in situations like this? Yesterday, I suggested you seek mentors. I’ll add that suggestion again here.
Finally, it seems that you don’t have authority to bring consequences on poor performance. If you do, discuss options with HR.
You have my best,
Dan
What suggestions do you have for Feeling Disrespected?
Click here to see part: 1 of my response to this inquiry.
Note: Sometimes I suspend my 300-word limit on “Dear Dan” posts.
Still curious:
The Goal of Helping is Enabling, Not More Helping
7 Rules for Overhelpful Leaders
Learned Helplessness: 4 Ways to Help Your Team Overcome It
You give so many practical solutions Dan.
Getting on the same side
Alternative perspective seeking
avoid why questions
Judgement sharing
limiting the influence of Bull crap
Raising self awareness.. and opting for Mentor..
wow..
Thanks, Nagarajan. Excellent summary. I love brevity. Cheers
Sounds to me like she is not getting enough direct feedback with intent to influence. I would hijack the next one on one and say “These meetings are not working and I want to tell you what I am observing”. Then lay the foundation for what it expected going forward. Make sure the one on ones of the future have specific topics, deliverables and measurements. As my friend, Jill Geisler, author of the book, Work Happy, would say “you can never be too nice for a tough talk.”
Thanks, Colleen. Love the quote, “you can never be too nice for a tough talk.” I see transparency in you advice. I also notice it’s forward-facing.
Forward-facing transparency enables growth.
“Do your best to marginalize this person.” made me chuckle. I know leaders do this, but I didn’t know we talked about it. Interesting to think of it as a tactic as opposed to a defense mechanism.
Glad you jumped in, Jason. Not everyone agrees with that suggestion. We might as well be honest. If you can’t manage someone out, maybe you can minimize their negative influence.
SW/MH pros like to give their clients a place of safety for therapeutic sessions. Make sure your one-on-one is properly set as an employer/employee or manager/worker session and not a therapeutic session. I remember opening a meeting with “This is a disciplinary conference.” Perhaps, “This is your annual one-on-one to review performance.”
Thanks, Joe. Great point on defining the conversation. I’m not sure the person who emailed me has power to discipline, but your point is useful.
Dear Disrespected,
With some employees you need to be very direct.
1. Define the specific changes the person needs to make. Put them in writing.
2. Define the consequences that will occur if changes aren’t made in the next 30 days.
Thanks, Paul. It’s surprising how many leaders find it difficult to define consequences. Your suggestion yesterday about going to HR applies. There’s probably an escalating sequence of consequences already laid out.
I’m curious about the “disrespectful/unprofessional” behavior, and what that looks like. I’ve seen that behavior manifest itself as a way to deflect attention away from ones own failures or inadequacies, and many times it IS intimidating and successful.
Have you spoken back or pointed out that kind of behavior, and asked why it is happening? As the leader, have you clarified that certain types of behavior like that are not acceptable? I would be curios to see if the employee was able to see their own poor behavior for what it is without some help. Helping someone to become aware of and then to change that behavior is not only the right thing to do, but a kind thing to do in helping them grow. It clears a path to get to some of the deeper issues at hand. Mark Twain said, “It is never wrong to do the right thing.” I’d take it a step farther and say, “It’s never wrong to ask or expect people to do the right thing.”
Those conversations are never easy. Awkward at best. But I encourage you to have it anyway.
Thanks, Synergize. It’s always appropriate to expect people to act like adults and when they don’t it’s fitting to point it out with kindness.
You suggest some useful questions. Have you clarified expectations. Sometimes leaders are reluctant to declare expectations. I’ll add, are you modeling the path forward? Do you act respectfully?
Geez, I just had this session, not 5 minutes ago
I hope it went well.