3 Signs You’re Offering Destructive Support
A leader’s success depends on the success of others. Individual contributors focus on the work. Leaders focus on the people.
Learning how to bring out the best in people is like walking a tightrope.
- How much hand holding is helpful?
- When is it appropriate to kick butt?
- What are the best ways to challenge and support?
Too much support is destructive. Too much challenge is discouraging. The bigger danger in our culture is destructive support.
The goal of support is enabling.
3 signs you’re offering destructive support:
#1. Over-dependence.
- People come for help before they work to resolve their own issues.
- You consistently cover for someone’s poor performance.
When your first response is doing something for someone, you teach people to depend on you. This might puff your ego, but it weakens others.
The golden question: Always ask, “What have you tried?” before offering advice or help.
#2. Prolonged weakness.
- Stop helping when people stop growing.
- Refuse to enable self-defeating behaviors.
When you work harder than they work, you’re prolonging weakness.
#3. Broken boundaries.
- Doing someone’s job for them is destructive support.
- When you stay late and others go home on time, boundaries have been broken.
The golden question: Whose job is it? Expect competent people to do their job. Look the beast in the eye when people can’t do their job. Offer training. Redesign their job. Reassign them. Or manage them out.
3 commandments for over-helpful leaders:
- Thou shalt not help too quickly. When your first response is doing-for, you’re helping too quickly.
- Thou shalt not help too much. Before offering help, ask, “What do you need from me?” People need to hear their own voices asking for help.
- Thou shalt not help too long. Provide help when people are learning new skills, rising to new responsibilities, or taking on new roles.
What does destructive support look like in your context?
How are you navigating challenge/support?
Still curious:
The Goal of Helping is Enabling, Not More Helping
15 Ways to Help Without Getting in the Way
12 Signs That You’re Giving Too Much
Dan,
This is great! I am new to a leadership role and I am always trying to determine if I am really helping or hindering my direct reports. I do have a question –
You said: “The golden question: Whose job is it? Expect competent people to do their job. Look the beast in the eye when people can’t do their job. Offer training. Redesign their job. Reassign them. Or manage them out.”
When you say manage them out, do you mean out of the company? If so, how do you do that without it reflecting on your leadership skills? As in, I wasn’t able to lead them to success?
I want to be a successful leader and help people grow, but if they don’t, how do I determine if it is because I was failing as a leader or they were not interested in growing?
Great questions, SB. Hiring is one of the most challenging things leaders do. I respect your concern over the negative perception of having to terminate someone you hired.
The other question, “How can you tell is someone is failing because you failed or they don’t have interest in growing,” is a little easier to address. Notice patterns and seek feedback.
First, do you see a pattern of failing when you work to help people grow? When you’re usually successful it’s a good indication you’re moving in the right direction. You may still need to learn how to deal with different kinds of people, but a pattern of success is encouraging.
Second, when growth seems slow, seek feedback from the person you’re working with. Explain that your experience helping people develop is generally good, but in our case, progress is slow. If you don’t mind, I have some questions.
1. What am I doing that seems to help you grow?
2. What could I do to accelerate your growth?
3. What am I doing that seems to hinder your growth?
Seek feedback from people you have helped grow. You could use the above questions in the past tense. “What did I do that helped you grow? What did I do that hindered your growth?” You might phrase the developmental question, “What could I have done differently to help you grow?”
If I may encourage you. Sometimes, sincere, caring leaders spend too much time on the failures. Things don’t always work as we hope. It’s helpful to remember the successes. Of course, if after reflection, the failures are too numerous, it’s time to go back to the drawing board.
Regarding your reputation as a leader. A track record of success is built over time, don’t worry about it. If someone brings it up, listen to their concerns. Ask for suggestions. Don’t be defensive. Learn and improve.
One of the best things you can do for your leadership reputation is handle failure skillfully. Overreacting reflects insecurity. Underreacting reflects arrogance. Stay curious and open. Move forward with confidence.
That’s what comes to mind right now.
I wish you well.
Thanks for the great questions! This should help in relating to others here at work.
Thanks for sharing, Dan. The signs and commandments provided offer valuable insights for leaders to avoid destructive support behaviors. By promoting independence, personal growth, and setting appropriate boundaries, leaders can create a healthier and more empowering support environment.