Please People and Overcome People-Pleasing
Sincerity makes promises it can’t keep when people-pleasing clouds judgement. But pleasing people is a good thing. All success requires bringing happiness to others.
Pleasing people:
- Bring value but don’t violate your values.
- Care about the success of higher ups and lower downs.
- Speak with honesty and kindness. Avoid using anger as courage to speak hard truths.
- Be your aspirational self.
- Get rest. Fatigue dilutes your best and pollutes your thoughts.
- Make realistic commitments. Practice humility that doesn’t overestimate its abilities.
- Learn to slow down. A person in a rush doesn’t have time for good manners.
Leadership is all about people. The more you have to do the more you need to care for people. You’re unworthy of leadership when your mantra is, “I don’t care what people think or how they feel.” But people-pleasing is deadly.
“I can’t give you a sure-fire formula for success, but I can give you a formula for failure: try to please everybody all the time.” Herbert Bayard Swope, first recipient of the Pulitzer Prize
People-pleasing causes:
- Overcommitment.
- Fatigue.
- Disappointment with yourself.
- Resentment toward others.
Suggestions for people-pleasers:
#1. Overestimate time needed to complete tasks.
Optimism is deadly when you minimize difficulty. There’s a difference between “we can” and “it’s easy.”
#2. Set boundaries before you need them.
Suppose you want to be home for dinner every night. Share your commitment before everyone’s pressed to meet a deadline. Explain that you’ll come in early, but you’re leaving in time for dinner at home.
Say no gracefully.
#3. Be assertive, not aggressive.
Never sacrifice respectful behavior on the altar of assertiveness. Express yourself and listen to others. Aggressive people don’t listen and don’t care.
Know what’s important to you so you are clear on where you need to set boundaries. But avoid constantly thinking of yourself as more important than others.
How might leaders distinguish between destructive people-pleasing and pleasing people?
Still curious:
5 Ways to Become a Healthy People-Pleaser
Why It Doesn’t Pay to Be a People-Pleaser (Berkeley)
21 Tips to Stop Being a People-Pleaser (PsychCentral)
Good actions related to “pleasing people” involves making thoughtful comments and taking actions that appeal to the person and align with your beliefs and values.
Bad actions related to “people pleasing” appeal to the person but don’t align with you beliefs and values. In the process of pleasing the other person, you create conflict within yourself.
Creating unnecessary inner conflict in a turbulent world is self-defeating!
Inner harmony is strength.
With #3, it is sometimes difficult for people if they have never been assertive. It is important for leaders and mentors to extend grace for people learning to set their own boundaries. If you’ve never been assertive and set boundaries for yourself before, by the time it comes out there could be immense frustration that could come out as aggression. As someone who has mentored several people pleasers, I know from first hand experience that people can get to an assertive posture that isn’t aggressive, but the first few times can be rough. Have patience especially if you know they’re out of their comfort zone for the first time.