Don’t Overthink Care
Bob’s mom died recently. It was February 23. We talked Tuesday, March 19. I wanted to ask how he was doing, but I didn’t want to bring up a sensitive topic. I mention this because it came up at the end of our conversation unexpectedly.
Overthinking care:
Bob and I were talking about my ritual before coaching conversations. I told him I take a few minutes to get right with myself by breathing deeply, reflecting on things I respect about the person I’m meeting with, and considering how I want to show up. During that time a question often comes to mind. That’s when dealing with death came to mind.
Bob asked, “What did you think about me before our call?” He surprised me. No one has ever asked that before.
Bob’s my coach, Bob Hancox. We meet every two or three weeks on average. We’ve been doing it for years. Sometimes he coaches me. Other times I coach him and sometimes we just talk.
I told Bob I reflected on his generosity, and I wanted to ask how he was feeling about his mom’s death. (I hadn’t asked.)
Bob asked, “Why didn’t you ask?”
I didn’t ask about his mom because I didn’t want to bring up something that might make him sad. Bob didn’t say it this directly, but the message was, “That’s dumb.” Here’s the lesson.
Express your care. Ask how people feel. Don’t overthink it. Inquire gently. Don’t judge. Let the other person decide how far it goes.
It’s unfortunate when we talk ourselves out of expressing care. Unexpressed care feels uncaring.
What prevents leaders from expressing care?
What down-sides of expressing care come to mind for you?
Still curious:
How to Build an Organization Where People Take Care of Each Other
Thank you for this Dan. A wise person once reminded me of a good rule of thumb. “Relationship before task.”
That seems like a great rule. Thanks, Gayle.
Dan, wow what a timely reminder for me this morning! I struggle with balancing out questions and raising emotional subjects in conversation, and I end up holding back and taking responsibility for how they react to it without consulting them. It’s a helpful pointer (to me especially) that we have less control than we think of how things go for the other person in adverse experiences, and showing up with an open heart may be more effective than searching for that perfect moment or method to check in and support.
Thanks, Brandon. I fear I talk myself out of expressing care. As you indicate, all we have to do is give people an easy out. Cheers
To me, asking someone how they feel about the death of a loved one falls in the same category as a reporter asking an athlete how they feel about losing a game. I already know the answer: not great.
That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t bring it up, though. I just have to word the question differently, to express my care. “I am sorry you’ve lost your mother. Would you like to talk about it?” (Or, for the athlete, “I know losing the game must be rough. Anything you’d care to say?”) I have expressed my care by acknowledging what has happened. And I have let the other person drive the conversation, which is far more important.
Thanks for sharing your insight. A good question is powerful.
If you asked me those questions I’d probably say no.
Your approach seems helpful to me but asking a yes or no question falls short.
As always thanks for adding value.
My mom passed in January, and similarly some people were hesitant to ask about the process/me as they re-engaged with me upon returning to work. Many people shared they didn’t want to bother me or make me sad. It’s in those moments where I worked to communicate “you won’t and your asking is the exact thing that is needed” for anyone going through loss or difficult times. We need to be bold and seek to understand in order to support. Honestly, I see it as almost self-protection to not ask and avoid the conversation. It is uncomfortable to be vulnerable for someone else and be prepared to see their emotion. But it must be done to keep our relationships and human connection with one another. It’s often what helps deepen trust for future work.
Thanks Heidi. You hit something that I think. I don’t want to bother people.
It’s possible to overdue a good thing, but many of us underdue it.
I’m glad you shared your experience. Please accept my condolences for your loss and thank you for your transparency.
In these situations, all the “what not to do” rules come flooding into paralyze me. Don’t put your expectations on the other person. Don’t tell them how to feel. Don’t give advice or platitudes (they’re at peace now.) It’s rather terrifying.
Maybe it doesn’t need to be a question. “It’s been two months since you lost your mother. I often think about you. You were always so loving when you spoke about her.” Present but not asking anything in return. Grief and struggles can be awfully lonely.
Thanks, Eric. Being noticed is powerful. Anything that might cause someone to feel seen and respected is a good thing. Wonderful suggestion. The point of this post is, don’t overthink care. Just find a way to express it.
This is one of the most profound posts you’ve ever written.
Wow. That means so much to me. Have a great weekend, John.
The smallest actions can have such meaningful impact, especially in death-adverse cultures. I wrote my dissertation on the impact of parental death on college students and one of my findings was the importance of making space, asking, and checking in.
When someone acknowledges that we have lost someone that was important to us, you don’t make us sad, that emotion is already there. What you are doing is acknowledging that the person existed and that they are important and that truly is a gift. I think a more important question or challenge for us is to ponder why are we so uncomfortable with feelings, especially sadness and grief. Is it that we are more worried about how the conversation is going to make us feel? Thank you Dan for this post. It is such an important topic.
I’d like to reiterate what someone else has already said. I recently lost my mom and even though I am in my sixties, she was the first person who was truly close to me that I have lost in my life. I can say without hesitation that I have never once not appreciated someone asking how I was and bringing my mom up to me. I think of it as a way to remember my sweet mother to someone else. I have been gratified to know just how much she touched other people’s lives and how much they loved and miss her also. They often ask if talking about her makes me sad and I tell them “No! It might make me a bit emotional occasionally, but talking about my mom never makes me sad.” I’m not afraid of the emotions that remembering my mom invokes in me. Hopefully we can share a tear or two.
I realize that my experience is not everyone’s experience and that’s why people tend to be a little wary of bringing up this sensitive topic, but your advice is spot on. If it is dealt with in a caring and respectful manner, it can’t help but be seen for what it is.
Thank you for the advice.