How to Adapt Without Losing Yourself
I gotta be me!
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The first thing Jim Parker, former CEO Southwest Airlines, said when I asked him to share the advice he most frequently gives leaders was, “Be yourself.”
“I’m just being me,” can, however, mask stubbornness, resistance, and justify mediocrity. On the other hand, adapting is essential to long-term success.
How can you adapt without losing yourself?
Adapt so others can see the real you
but don’t lose yourself in the process.
Frustration:
What’s more frustrating than positive intentions taken the wrong way? You want to be helpful but others see you as pushy or meddlesome, for example.
Adapting:
- Declare your positive intention. “I want to be helpful.” When my wife and I bump heads, I like to say, “I want us to be close.” It helps.
- Ask, “What did I do that caused your response?” Search for specific behaviors to avoid. Believe the feedback you receive; don’t resist it.
- Ask, “What can I do that helps you see my intent to help?” Search for specific behaviors to employ.
Help others find the inner-you by adapting the external-you.
How many times have you been shocked by strong negative responses to your message? You thought it was a no brainer. Yet, they immediately pushed back. You didn’t give them what they needed.
Adapt communication techniques but don’t lose the message.
Some need more time than others, for example. (Don’t forget you could be wrong. But that’s another post.)
Power:
Adapting opens windows; refusing to adapt slams doors.
Someone else controls you when you aren’t yourself; you become defensive and belligerent or easily manipulated. Don’t cling to self-defeating behaviors in the name of authenticity. Personal stability and deep influence includes being seen and understood for who you are.
How can leaders adapt without losing themselves?
Leaders adapt by blending the culture they are working in with their own core values; some things fit, while others will not. It is not such a fine line as it sounds. These values never change, and this is the lens through which we deal with the world around us. As you adapt, you show your flexibility, your resilience, as well as your ability and motivation to continue to learn.
Thanks Martina.
Reading your comment made me think about how much overlap is enough. We never have perfect overlap of values.
People in politics find ways to work with others where values overlap and vote against them when values collide, for example.
Thanks for starting this conversation.
authenticity makes so much of the difference. I agree, that showing up real and fitting in is an important balancing act.
Thank you Karin. Have a great weekend.
I like your #1 adapting tip. Declare your positive intention.
Saying a few words of where you’d like everyone to go is powerful.
It also makes everyone relax. In disagreements, people have their gloves up waiting to land a punch. Stating the end game has people outcome focused.
Thank you Steve.
A pugilistic illustration fits perfectly in this conversation and helps us see how useful beginning with the end in mind can be.
Have a great weekend
Dan and Steve, I appreciate this very helpful, simple reminder. Authentic disclosure brings clarity and engenders trust. What is my intention going into this….? Ah, this community of learners is very enjoyable. Thanks.
Dan, this is a great topic.
There are some cultures where adaptability can be perceived as inauthentic.
I think the key you’re drawing out is the difference between core and tactics. Your core (mission and values) don’t change much, but the tactics you use can and should vary relative to the audience, the environment, other constraints, etc.
One way I like to say this is: “Do you want to be ‘right’, or do you want to be effective?” Being effective requires flexibility in approach, but a very clear picture of what’s important and where the team is heading.
Thanks as always!
David
Thanks David.
You summarized and expanded this topic. Being right or being effective helps me appreciate the value of adapting
Thank you for another wise and encouraging post. 🙂
Thank you
Dear Dan,
I think being yourself is a good philosophy. And adapting does not mean compromising. Being yourself also does not mean not to adapt. What I mean by being yourself is to preserving values and not being somebody else. But it needs some kind of adaption and modification as well without changing your values. It is about behavior change or modification. It means being authentic but adapting new behaviors that needs to adapt with new culture and in new situations.
But, it is not enough. You need to understand whether changing behavior affects your values or not. If changing behavior changes values than you have to balance your position. There could be two ways then. Either go with the flow with dilution of values and behavior, or take a stand to defend your values. First situation definitely protect you in short term and will make you feel that you are safe, but this is perhaps an illusion. And second step is challenging but make your position authentic. So, before adapting a situations, leaders need to analyze what they gain and what they lose.
Thank you Ajay.
Values, in practical terms, are behaviors. Sometimes we think values are only things in our heads or hearts. But they are in our feet also.
It’s interesting that you bring up the idea that behaviors can impact values as well as values coming out in behaviors. I hadn’t looked at it that way before. Something to think about.
If there is a contest between short-term and long-term. Long-term is usually the better option.
You took this post to new places.
Dear Dan,
While I appreciate your insights, I would further add something to express my feeling and to explore more thoughts. Values are what we believe, behaviors are what we do. And I strongly believe that there might be gap between what we think and what we do. When we do what we think, then definitely we reflect our values. But when we do what we do not believe because of many reasons, then we change our behaviors. In corporate or real world, many a time, we need to act in such a way that we do not believe in. But can we say that we do not act authentic. The answer to this is- it depends. It depends upon our intention and its impact. The answer to intention and impact provides valuable meanings.
Thanks again for your insights.
I find it hard to believe that we act in contradiction to our beliefs.
For example, if I compromise my values, I must believe in the value of compromise… for better or for worse.
I am thankful for the opportunity to think about this topic. Thanks for bringing it up.
Adapting doesn’t mean you change your values or your character. That would be blending or conforming. We all have to learn to adapt to a changing world. However, we must remain true to our values and character and refuse to compromise those.
Great article!
Thank you Light.
I enjoy the various terms you offer…blending/conforming vs. adapting.
I periodically ask myself, “Am I part of the problem, or part of the solution”, and sometimes I need to change to get the answer I desire.
Thank you Bill,
I often find that helping others change is much easier than changing myself. 🙂
Dear Dan,
Liked the post and your saying ‘Adaptability is essential to long-term success’. While I appreciate your clear message that be ready to change yourself, your behaviour, upgrade your values, flourish your inner strengths and competence to create a better impact, I strongly feel that never ever have a compromising attitude in the name of adaptability. Experience always mould you and your habits and the successful leaders always follow adptability as an essential trait to get the needed acceptability and influence others.
Live with pride and follow your own instincts with creativity to make a difference to yourself and others; yet remain adaptable to change your work habits with a learning aptitutde, observe the young talents and their level of thinking to bring radical changes, master new technologies and practice new innovative ways to move forward with confidence.
Adaptability is nothing but an open mind to try out something new and better. Ignorance and keen to learn new everyday from all those around you are the essentials to work with flexibility. Remain as a child who has a basic quest for knowledge and the eagerness to try new things independently with no ego and fixed mind-set.
Great advice Dan, I know that my intentions have been taken wrong when I took some work off an employees desk on the weekend and did it for her because it had been a tough week and I did not want the new week for her to begin overwhelmed with work when she walked in. But because I didn’t tell her ahead of time, she thought I was doing it because I thought she was incapable of getting it done. Now everyone knows that I may sneak in and help them out because I care about them and want them not to be swamped if I can help it.
I find that in adapting to new situations and allowing for the potential of growth, one usually needs to identify the core beliefs and values in the environment that resonate with your own in order to feel comfortable and aligned to your own path in order to achieve what is needed to be achieved collectively.
People then find it easier to communicate with others if the shared common denominators are always brought to the table in order to allow for forward movement even though not all parties will agree on every aspect, at least if each voice is recognized, listened to and heard, adaptability to each other’s views allows for each person to remain objective and authentic to themselves.
Everything is a learning curve. Growth cannot be forced beyond each person’s capacity to adapt, so allowing for this can encourage openness, honesty and the ability to stay aligned to the overall vision and mission at hand.
Dan,
What I’m getting from this is that you seek to understand by accepting feedback and then adapt based on the understanding. You aren’t trying to change who you are. You are trying to adapt your relationship with someone based on an understanding of who you both are together. That happened to me recently when I found myself in the position of providing an independent review of a project managed by an old friend. My typical questions and participation in the project became obviously difficult for him. We had to talk it over and understand why he was feeling threatened and I was feeling resisted. We were able to understand our concerns and needs and set up some ground rules. It helped a lot. Neither of us changed who we were, but adapted our behavior and approach to the new situation once we understood it better.
Good post.
Glenn
Something that I’ve learned to do from growing up internationally is to adapt by watching. What I mean is, paying attention to what the people around you are doing and how they do it. Then you can choose how to adapt and how much to adapt once you’ve observed the way it’s done. Sometimes, however, you can adapt too much and that’s when you find yourself being inauthentic. I think being introverted might also give me an advantage in adapting. Introverts are much more content to observe for a bit before entering into whatever is going on while extroverts are much more inclined to jump in right away…before seeing where they might need to shift and adapt first.