I’ve been thinking about losing.

There are so many books about winning that winning seems to be the preferred default position.

But, I think, the way it is practiced in far too many instances, it is the “I win, you lose” approach to winning.  And this is a very bad thing.

Business is still dominated by men, and as Deborah Tannen pointed out so long ago, men view conversations as a competition, with winners and losers.  (sorry – I read it too long ago; don’t remember the precise book…).

Sales, negotiations, transactions, are still so often viewed as “win-lose,” in spite of the best efforts of Steven Covey and a legion of others to build a “win-win” culture.

Here’s a short version of this approach from Kenneth Blanchard’s foreword to the book The One Minute Negotiator by Don Hutson and George Lucas (no, no that George Lucas):

When people think about negotiation they tend to think about win-lose – in other words, somebody’s going to win, and somebody’s going to lose.  Many people go so far as to associate negotiation with the ability to “get them before they get you.”  That’s not what The One Minute Negotiator is all about.  One of the key messages from this book is that you can complete a negotiation without victimizing others. – or becoming a victim – in the process.  Rather than fighting over a finite pie, you can use the skills taught in this book to actually create a bigger pie.

I hope he is right.  I know it is possible, in many instances, in an ideal world.  But…  have you paid attention to our current climate?  Take the idea of “bipartisanship,” which is, in its essence, a “win-win” approach.  There are many who argue that even an attempt at bipartisanship is a “sell out.”  Where can “win-win” even get a foothold in such a climate?

I am slowly coming to believe this – what happens in business shapes all of society.  If people lie on their resumes (and 40% do, according to some studies), then people will lie everywhere.  If people want to own the competition, and produce a string of “losers” in the process, then “win-lose” becomes the practice in almost every arena

We need some folks in busies to recommit to the actual practice of “win-win” – don’t you think?

What about you?  Have you adopted the “win-win,” stance, or do you fall back to the “I win, you lose” approach to negotiation, and life?  Help us out here – we need all the “let’s win together” thinking we can muster…