The Surprising Source of Unintended Toxicity
The following readers won copies of The Vagrant because they left a comment on yesterday’s post:
- Darryl Hogue
- Pam Brown
- Carol Shanks
- Mark Medland
- Kristina Richard
We’re giving away 5 more copies today.
Toxicity is almost always unintended.
My children used to say, “Stop yelling, dad.” My voice sounded calm to me. I said, “I’m not yelling.” (Probably too loud.)
Good intentions don’t guarantee positive results.
Authority amplifies impact.
The more authority you have, the louder you seem. For example, when you ask, “What happened?” it might feel like an accusation.
You think, “I’m curious.” They think they did something wrong. Status enlarges the concerns of others.
Respect magnifies influence.
Unintended toxicity:
Toxic environments develop when you don’t appreciate your power. Quiet is loud when you’re respected.
Toxicity expands when leaders whisper the good and yell the bad.
Put a gag in your word hole if you disrespect the power of your voice.
Remember:
Respect the impact of your influence, even when you feel you don’t have much.
Embrace your importance but reject self-importance.
You matter in destructive ways when you forget you matter.
Volume:
Imagine everything you do has more impact than you believe. You think your volume is a three. They feel like it’s an eight.
“Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.” William James
Humility:
I’m not puffing you up. Most of us grapple with ego. I’m reminding you of the power of your words and behaviors.
Don’t think less of yourself, just help others believe in themselves.
Leaders – who fear they don’t matter – throw their weight around like bullies. Humble leaders believe they matter.
A respected person enjoys the opportunity to enhance the power of others.
Note: This post reflects the themes in our new book, The Vagrant.
We’re choosing 5 people who leave a comment on today’s post to receive a complimentary copy of The Vagrant, my new book co-authored with John David Mann.
If you don’t win today – 9/20/23 – we’re giving away five more copies tomorrow!
This offer is limited to US/Canada.
It takes time and support for a person with toxic habits to change. What can our school systems do that can save a perennially toxic person from their habits?
“Respect the impact of your influence, even when you feel you don’t have much.”
This is a great thought. Words and the way spoken can be a source for encouragement or defeat. Thanks for all the great thoughts from this book.
I hope to read it some day. And Thank you for all the great leadership thoughts. I share them often with my team.
Thanks Dan!
Your intro caught my attention. Often times we spoke loudly (like an upset parent) because we care. We often times do not notice how much this can impact others. This post is about humility, ego and influence and unintended toxicity that can be created when we are not mindful of all this. Thank you for reminding me to take a breath, pause, reflect to make maximum impact.
Wow, some very good food for thought. I have staff that will share with other staff that they got “yelled at” when all I did was point out a minor misstep.
Imagine everything you do has more impact than you believe. You think your volume is a three. They feel like it’s an eight.
This statement really spoke to me (more like smacked me in the face.. to be honest) and where I currently sit on the leadership bus. Thinking about the impact of my decisions in this way enables me to have a different perspective, but also understand what people are feeling as a result of those decisions. These feelings are real and worthy of attention and consideration. I will keep this statement front and center on my desk going forward!
Through the years, I’ve thought that people judge others not on (internal) intentions, but on the impact of their (external) actions. Yet, people judge themselves — and relieve themselves of accountability by judging (and forgiving) themselves — on their intentions instead of on the consequences (for others). Hence the saying “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”
Power, used properly, enhances the power and possibilities of others!
It seems like there is a certain tension between humility and knowing I matter. Also, I can relate to the “Stop yelling at me, Dad!”. In my mind, I was not the one yelling.
Mothers can seem like bullies, however in quiet moments when nothing is said, I know and receive encouraging and nurturing LOVE.
WOW, this resonated with me not only at work but as a coach as well.
You are absolutely right about needing to remember that what we say and do as leaders, has more impact than we may always think. We make it a point in my company to celebrate the positive loudly!! We continue to work on changing our culture and have made some really good inroads and will continue on that path. I would love a copy of The Vagrant!! I read your Leadership Freak every day and share it with my staff and we all find we always walk away with at least one great nugget (often more than one !).
Read the book! Very thought provoking. Today’s article is spot on! I won a book showing the last book giveaway but never received it. Would love to get it.
Thank you Enid. Love that it gave you something to mull over. I apologize for the oversight. I’m emailing you privately about this.
This was a great reminder to be mindful of how others perceive me when I speak, which is not always how I think I’m coming across to them.
It really is about checking one’s ego at the door and being aware of the affect your character may have on others. One’s understanding of emotional intelligence must continue to positively evolve…always look for an opportunity to build others, coworkers levels of self efficacy 🙏🏼❤️
Respect magnifies influence. This line is spot on. I often think about how many in my organization may only see me for 30 seconds each day and how those 30 seconds are so important. It is my one chance to convey value, community, relationships, etc.
Well said, Kara. I agree. It is always a good reminder to not take our presence, even for brief interactions, for granted.
The power of words – at any volume – is monumental.
Dan, you are always so spot on. I wish the toxic leaders I work with would not only read this but see themselves in your words!
Quiet is loud when you’re respected.
I posted your sentence on twitter, Charles.
There’s a lot of wisdom to unpack from this simple sentence!
I have a couple takeaways from today’s post. 1. Humility does not equal low self confidence. In fact, it probably means you have a clear understanding of both your strengths and challenges, but that you do not try to hide those challenges and you do not flaunt the strengths in excess. 2. I have always loved the quote by William James and just reading it was a good reminder that actions need to be intentional. Things you say and do matter. As always, thank you for your posts.
This is so true. It wasn’t hard to reflect on the times where there were unintended consequences of my voice. Than you.
Great post today, Dan! Congratulations again on the book! I’m looking forward to reading it.
Thank you for your timely words. Frequently there is war with toxicity [subtle and overt] in my work environment with leadership and those we serve. I appreciate how your blog often speaks in uncanny timing to current issues we face in our non-profit workplace.
Great reminders of the power of our voice!
Wow. This really made me stop and think. Not about what I say, but how I say it. Celebrate in public, criticize in private…but even in the private moments, I don’t want to be perceived as yelling at someone.
What a great lesson today to pause and give thought to. I think it’s often that we forget as leaders what the impact – influential and otherwise – that our words have not only in the workplace, but also our home life.
I love this concept!…it reminds me of how John Madden would take a “has-been” player and turn them into “some-thing” player by believing in them and providing the “right” leadership…i would love to read this book…thanks
Don’t think less of yourself, just help others believe in themselves. Love that. Being brought up in a win-lose culture, or with a win-lose mentality, this can be hard to embrace. But is so much more rewarding.
My takeaway is the impact of humility and being eco centred rather than ego focused in leading others. We are often more powerful than we think. Ended compassion to others and grasping our privilege can go a long way as we hold them and ourselves accountable,
I read the first comment about your kids saying you are yelling when you feel that you were speaking normally and felt a very strong flashback to my own kids telling me that. Certainly gives me pause to review my current actions (or more importantly reactions) in todays situations. Thank you.
I love the example of parent and child. Sometimes my children would say that I had yelled at them when I remembered only talking sternly. I serve in many leadership roles which I have been recruited or nominated for, not especially desiring the power and, to myself, acting in humility and service. This is a good reminder that power and influence come with the leadership role whether you signed up for that aspect of it or not.
The people we get the opportunity to lead often hold unrealistic expectations of their leaders. It’s our responsibility to make every attempt to walk alongside our people and respect their work potential.
Too often we think we’re communicating effectively, when we’re really projecting a negative energy. It’s better to be quiet and listen, than to dominate and scare people away. Thanks for bringing toxicity up.
“Authority magnifies impact.”
This line is powerful. It hinges both directions. We can build others up using the tools that placed us in a position of influence, or allow fear and insecurity to create a hostile work environment. We have the power to do both. Choose the better part.
Thanks for the insight Dan!
Excellent perspective on how authority figures can be perceived. It makes me really think twice before talking to my team members to ensure they are hearing what I am saying based on tone as well as words.
Persons often get louder when they get excited or the intensity increases. You comment on that. I find for me, I get much quieter, but far, far more intense, almost steely. My students, children, parishioners notice. But thank you for the reminder about how to ask questions – how could this be heard by another?
Humility and the concept of servant leadership are so important when dealing with teams. Puffing oneself up makes me think of the Peter Gabriel song, “Big Time.” (Yes, I am dating myself but there truly is a song for every situation.) The protagonist wants to be sure everyone knows he’s on his way, he’s making it. Good leaders don’t have to show off; their actions speak for themselves.
“I’m reminding you of the power of your words and behaviors.” This is so important and yet easy to forget. There are many days that I stop and reflect on my behaviors and things I said throughout the day. I’m trying to be more intentional in my actions and words, but it definitely takes effort and this was a good reminder.
I enjoy your posts. I can see myself in some of this especially as a female in a male dominated field – where you almost feel you need to puff-up at times to meet them where they are.
I love the phrase, “Put a gag in your word hole if you disrespect the power of your voice.” Thank you!
I always feel like just one of the team when I am with my managers. However, they do not always feel this way. I have learned this the hard way when spit balling ideas out loud with them to find that they would go take action on some really bad ideas thinking that is what I wanted. I have an aggressive tone when speaking (not on purpose). After some of these actions and soul searching to figure out why anyone would act on such terrible ideas I figured out it was me. I work hard now at encouraging thought progression during meetings as opposed to providing. Not that i do not provide but I also try to make clear at the beginning the role I will be playing. It is interesting that no matter how much we feel a certain way it can always be perceived different from others.
Leaders who fear they don’t matter will throw their weight around! Wow! Just edify each other instead of leading from a place of fear! Perfect love casts out fear 🙂
“A respected person enjoys the opportunity to enhance the power of others.”
A-mazing! My goal is and has always been to promote the ability and impact of others because, as I tell them, their success IS my success.
We are the author of our words with intention; however, it is the recipient who decides the value of our words. Their perspective and presence is as important if not more important than our intentions. If we are unable to read the room and remain curios about how our words are received, we may miss a significant learning opportunity for us and the other person. The other person may be physically present with us and not at all mentally present at the same time. Funny to have someone recall hearing someone else say something and not be able to recall what they exactly said. I am guilty of this myself at times and am regularly working to be more fully present and confirm with the other person/people what I heard them say to demonstrate my presence.
I think about educators with students. They often say we are yelling when we are talking in a normal tone. Amazing to rethink that, knowing that they hear us louder because we have the power in the classroom or school. A lot to reflect on here.
very thought-provoking for a mid-week read.
My takeaway? This article was a mirror to a current situation at work. How did I not see this?!? Ugh!
This hit home today, both as a parent and a leader. A great reminder of the power of words and actions. #leadwithhumility
Thanks for the great reminder! As leaders, our presence alone has an effect whether it is dropping into a meeting or by someone’s desk. And those first words we speak set a tone for others. Thanks for reminding us to be mindful of what we say and how we say it!
Oh no! I think I just had a conversation where I thought my volume was a 3 but it might have actually been an 8. I should have read this email before engaging with that person.
So true! Feedback is most effective when remembering “location, location, location” Add to that…your “intentions, intentions, intentions”
Great article and terrific learning!
Toxicity can be contagious. Leaders must squelch that attitude and demonstrate and model positivity.
As an extension of this topic, if you receive feedback from any direction (up, down or across the org), embrace it for what it is and apply these principles of thought to how you address others’ input. A secure person (employee or leader) understands they have flaws and can adjust if needed when unintended toxicity arises.
I cannot count the times I have told my kids,” I am not yelling!” but did not put myself in their shoes. I feel I have likely done this at work as well. Understanding my position and those of the folks I am conversing with will help me and my volume control.
Wow! This really hit home in a few different ways. My adult kids occasionally remind me that I sometimes yelled “loudly” when they were growing up. I never heard it that way and they became well adjusted kids but something obviously still resonated in a negative way in the back of their minds. I have always tried to be a thoughtful leader at work and not jump to conclusions, which I believe has allowed staff to seek me out with questions when they need assistance without any hesitation and fear of negative repercussions. To bring this full circle, I also coach high school track and I am usually the loudest coach on the track. I am constantly yelling our positive affirmations to all of my runners from the fastest to the slowest during their races. However, the vast majority of my athletes tell me they never heard me but they appreciate my support! Thank you for your constant thought provoking daily inspirations!
As a leader, I was always under the assumption that volume was empirical rather than relative. However, the influence of perspective must play a part when leaders and staff converge. I will strive to be more mindful of volume, tone, and word choice when discussing both the positive and negative with my team.
Great post! As a person in middle supervisory position, I can see both perspectives when I consider what my supervisor whispers and shouts. This will make me more aware of what I’m whispering to and shouting to my team. Thanks!
Very good perspective for me. I’m pretty quiet and not loud but I’m sure when I do talk it seems louder than I realize.
“A respected person enjoys the opportunity to enhance the power of others.”
Thanks for this reminder today. In learning to delegate, I am telling my team that they are competent and capable and extending power to them. I want them to know they are capable of so much!
Every action makes an impact. What impact do I want to have, what impact do I want my team to have? Consciously changing a behavior takes work but we first need to be aware of the behavior that needs to change. Leadership comes with high responsibility and as leaders we should be the positive drive to help others achieve all they can be.
“Authority amplifies impact.” – such a great reminder. I can relate to the “what happened?” example so many times in my career – both from a leadership and from an direct report perspective(s). Thanks Dan!
Great reminder, I love the quote “Toxicity expands when leaders whisper the good and yell the bad.” How often as a leader do we whisper or not voice the good, it’s easier to find fault than good. I encourage the leaders to praise event the small things especially with the employee who comes in daily and performs their job quietly.
Agreed 100% with this. I see this play out in my home as well as in my workplace. Thanks for the reminder to pay attention to my own sense of self-worth when interacting with others.
It’s a good reminder for both leaders and those who don’t necessarily see themselves as an authoritative figure. Keep your ego in check and speak out of kindness rather than in an accusatory way.
This was very helpful for me today! It is amazing how what I need to hear/read is usually within one of these posts.
Wow. This is incredibly insightful, something I’ve never considered. Thank you for sharing this. It make sense based on my responses to my leader, so it follows that my team would feel similarly. By the way, loved the use of “word hole,” might have to start using that, lol!
This post really rings true for me. In my mind, my voice is just one among the group. However, my position has such power that I have learned that just asking a question feels like an accusation to some people. Commenting on something can be taken as a criticism unless I am very careful in my wording. I like the concept of whispering the bad and yelling the good. That’s something I will keep in mind as I lead my organization.
The more authority you have the louder you seem. Wow. This helps me understand some employees reactions to my questions. I thought the questions were normal and easy to answer, but perhaps they felt accusatory or doubtful. Thank you for a new thought and ponder and improve on in my leadership.
What is it with” you’re yelling” when you are using an indoor voice. Drives me nuts!
The type of leader you become can create toxicity! I am in graduate school and am just finishing up a detoxification class! Today’s post was completely in line with what I have just learned from my course. I am guilty of wanting my actions as a leader to be noticed and applauded, but in reality, I need to remember that am in the position that I am because of what I have done, with and without public recognition. My goal to strive to become a more humble leader! 🙂
There is so much in this post that it’s going to take a while to process it all! Being mindful of our influence and how it affects others … something to keep in mind each and every day.
I am excited to introduce The Vagrant at our young adult book club which my husband and I lead. Instead of waiting to look back and wish you had done things differently, why not train up our young leaders in the way they should go by helping them to build positive leadership qualities and self-awareness at the front end of their legacy on earth!
Thanks Kelly. Please let me know if you decide to use it with a group. Perhaps I could drop in via zoom for a short conversation? Cheers
I’ve never thought of influence, power and respect in this way. Thinking back, I did have a leader that didn’t realize his power as a leader. I was intimidated by his communication and now I’m wondering if it was because he didn’t realize his power and influence.
As an HR leader, I may have that same impact on others but don’t realize it. I don’t think that I have more influence or power but maybe I do by having the label of “HR.”
Can’t wait to learn more about this topic to find ways to grow and improve relationship.
I will probably read this post about 3 times today. Good stuff, I need to soak a little bit.
This was a great article today, and I appreciated the Authority Amplifies Impact piece, and the last sentence, “Respect Magnifies Influence”. It reminds me that we have empowered our unit leaders to make things happen. When something doesn’t go as we expected, when we ask “What happened?”, it could be perceived as a failure on their part. We must be mindful of our words, and not allow ourselves to change the direction of someone we have charged with handling the task. It could be a major turn-off, and a loss of confidence. I will have to be more aware of what I say, and not discourage our front-line leaders.
Years ago, I was given feedback that I was intimidating. Not because I am particularly tall or muscular. Not because I am particularly loud or overbearing. But because I am very competent. I took that feedback to heart, and make a point of watching both my body language and my word choice.
For example, instead of asking “Why do you need that?”, I ask “How do you plan to use this information?” Both get me to the same place: making sure I give the person what they need (not always what they are asking for). The second one just gets me there with less toxicity.
Hi Dan,
Thanks for today’s post. What really stuck out to me on this one was the last part about humility. I’ve found in my own leadership that toxicity starts creeping in when I feel I don’t matter and I start throwing weight around in an effort to feel relevant. Leadership is a constant test in the art of humility. Let us not forget how much we are valued and operate out of that mindset to have a positive impact in helping develop others. Thanks for the reminder!
So true! Like your leadership position takes EVERYTHING you do and say x10! Your posts are like over the top relevant and practical. Thank you
Great post reminding us that the leader’s shadow is long and that everything a leader does is amplified in the perception of their followers.
What I’m really pleased about is how many people are finding this post useful. It demonstrates that there are many leaders who care about their impact on people, negative and positive.
I’ve written about toxic bosses in the context of how people are fired from jobs (in the US). Those bosses probably didn’t intend to be toxic, but they are. If they care about their impact on people, perhaps they need help identifying their toxic behavior and attitudes.
What you’ve written is an excellent tool for self-diagnosis – which is crucial because so few people can hear the message “you’re toxic” (however it’s phrased) without becoming angry, hurt, and defensive. Being able to self-diagnose and then own one’s behavior and impact – that’s key to becoming a “good boss” and leader in my view.
Very true. I recently provided what I thought was constructive criticism and was then told that the team have lost all confidence on everything because I was so critical. Were they being over-sensitive? Possibly. But I really had not taken into account how hard they would take what I said. I will be a lot more considered from now on.
Thank you Dan for your daily thought provoking inspirations!
Yes it’s “east” to underestimate the power of your voice as a leader. Many times I’ve found it helpful to start my comment with … “I’m curious about how we can improve xyz”. The leading words can help to set the context and avoid thoughts of accusations.
Interesting. The more power you have, the more responsibility you have to communicate wisely.
I did observe that many of the scenarios mentioned are about “telling” vs. about being curious and opening a conversation. Being told I am wrong and not having an opportunity to discuss the circumstances just makes me feel martyred. And the more power the other person has the more likely I will retreat to silence.
So true and always timely. I like to start my meetings with Good things…even when accountability demands are high and performance is low, it gives us the opportunity to make things better and that’s a good thing. It’s always a reminder that we have to constantly evaluate, reflect, adapt, and grow vs staying stagnant. Yesterday’s success does not guarantee today’s success; it’s about always striving to being better each day.
My self reflection lately has been on how I respond when someone points out that my impact is bringing negative consequences. My knee jerk reaction is to be defensive or argue, maybe similar to your response of “I’m not yelling.” Rather, I need to pause, breathe and ponder what the other person is saying.
Oh, I love that phrase “my impact is bringing negative consequences..” What a load of ideas in that simple thought.
Someone once told me leading is exactly like being a conductor of an orchestra. The group is following every slight tremor of your hand. If you move too early, so will they. If you cue the woodwinds at the wrong time, the piece will be ruined. If your performance will suffer. If your off the beat, they will be also.
Everything little thing you do will be magnified.
Leaders are often unaware of the fact their behavior or words are “toxic” – they chalk it up to their “leadership style” and people not getting on board. As leaders, our first job is to see and and invest in our people – from that their performance increases and it reduces the chances of a toxic environment.
Love this post. My former supervisor used to tell me remember, you have the “ruby red slippers”, you can do this whenever I used to doubt my abilities. Especially when it came to writing resources for our website. This post is a great one for me to keep on desk! By the way, I found a pair of sparkly ruby red shoes and occasionally will wear them when I am training!
“Toxicity expands when leaders whisper the good and yell the bad.” What a powerful quote! I’m going to post this on my desk to remind myself as I’m teaching my middle schoolers.
Excellent reminder of how powerful and influential we all are, even when we feel small and powerless. Thank you for the ego boost (I know that wasn’t your intent, but…)!!!
Quoting: “ Imagine everything you do has more impact than you believe. You think your volume is a three. They feel like it’s an eight.” I know my voice is always loud (when teaching, many students avoided the front rows by their own reporting; on a few occasions, had students regularly falling asleep however …). So when I ‘raise my voice’ intentionally or unintentionally, the impact is significant – sadly when it’s unintended.
Quoting: “ Imagine everything you do has more impact than you believe. You think your volume is a three. They feel like it’s an eight.”.
I’m hard of hearing, I have hearing aids I don’t wear in the field due to the loud nature of our work, I often times don’t realize I’m being louder than I am due to this and it causes staff and family to be taken aback and scared.
I was teaching my nephew a new skill a few weeks ago, we both had full face helmets on and he is very soft spoken, so I asked him to speak up and repeat himself and it wasn’t that I was angry or mad or disappointed, I literally was unable to hear him, he took my volume as punitive and stopped talking to me for the day.
The helmet obscuring my facial features and the volume to reach over the noise of engines made it impossible to properly convey my mood to him without it seeming hostile.
I need to be more cognitive of my loss of hearing, and reduce the volume in the area around me or take people, staff, colleagues, and family to quieter locations to have a level conversation, trying to have a conversation in most environments with me probably comes off far more hostile than it is ever meant to be.
I also need to work on my facial expression in those loud scenarios, I had a boss with hearing impairment who, with years of practice I assume, trained himself to smile and be jovial no matter how dire the situation was, I never understood why/how but reading this made me realize his expression softened the volume of his voice.
New leader and been doing training!
You got brought up in my webinar and I’m very intrigued to read this book to help guide me and make me better!
This is a hard and timely post since I’m working through some toxic situations right now.
The idea that a leader has more influence than they think is important! Your comment about thinking you are speaking at a 3 level, but they hear 8 is so true! Think about the tricky part if you are a leader that is hearing impaired, which I am…sometimes I might be talking at an 8 level. They hear it even louder!
“Don’t think less of yourself, just help others believe in themselves.” In schools, we tell kids that kindness to others builds everyone up, it is not like sharing pizza where you end up with less.
This is my first time reading this blog. It’s quite timely that I landed here. Having difficulty adapting to some new employees and finding that calling out their every mistake and scolding them is working as well as it would on a 2 year old puppy. This post reminds me to shift gears. Praise good behavior and lead by example rather than pointing out every mistake. I’m planning to be a regular reader to improve leadership skills and hopefully enjoy the office again in the new workplace environment.
Good morning,.Dan.
My Kids use to say, “why are you yelling” – I would reply with, ” because I have asked you three times now to do ‘X’ and it is still not done; I thought, maybe you do not hear well”. It made them stop and think…and get the job done.
Congratulations.on , The Vegrant! I picked it up yesterday and did not put it down until I was done! I enjoyed it very much.
“Toxicity is almost always unintended.” There’s a great empathy booster.
“Toxicity expands when leaders whisper the good and yell the bad.” There’s also the stance, getting you, me, and we right.
“Respect the impact of your influence, even when you feel you don’t have much.” When I feel disrespected or ignored I start caring more loudly. Maybe I should dial that back.
“Embrace your importance but reject self-importance.” That summarizes a lot.
Thought: When I want responses and not crickets, I should offer free stuff they want. Of course I want the book!
I encourage students and other leaders to read “Leadership Freak.” Your new book will encourage us to be better disciples and better leaders. Thank you for your words (300 or less) each day to assist us on our journeys of leadership and discipleship. Blessings.
Your practical perspective, Dan, reflects the wisdom of Solomon from the book of Proverbs. The fool thinks he is wise until he opens his mouth to prove he is a fool. A fool uses many words, but they are empty. Thanks for sharing Leadership Freak. If I would just apply what you teach, I WOULD be smarter. I think adding The Vagrant would be a worthwhile addition to my book readings. I appreciate your concise, pithy principles!
I just finished my first read on the Vagrant! There are a lot of things that I need to unpack. Thank you for the impactful story and tools at the end!
Great post. Love how you’re highlighting that even with the best intentions it can still come across the wrong way. It just makes all of your other posts just as relevant.