Teams are endlessly interesting because they are made up of people. People, as we will learn throughout our lives, are mind-bogglingly complex. First of all, we get to deal with the two genders. Then we get to deal with those who are single and those who are wed, those who've been widowed and those who've been divorced, those who have children and those who do not. Then we find that people come from different cultures, speak different languages, and worship in different ways. We also discover that there are personality types or temperaments. Additionally, we are told that there are various natural "love languages." Then there are the youth and the elderly and the rest of us in between. Also, there are those who like the New England Patriots, and those who don't. But there is one more variation among individuals that I find worthy of mention, and it is this: how they behave when dealing with others.
Working with other people takes a special skill. It requires emotional maturity, patience, acceptance of others and their views, flexibility, the ability to listen, a certain degree of humility, the ability to influence, and the need from time to time to apologize. Some people tend to get pushed to the side in group settings, while others tend to do the pushing. Interactions vary according the an infinite number of combinations of the factors described in the first paragraph above. But there is one tendency, call it a trait, if you will, that is supremely destructive to human interaction and certainly to the functioning of a team. Some call it Passive Aggressive behavior, but when one reads the clinical definitions and professional opinions associated with that term, it doesn't quite fit what I'm discussing here. Nope. For our needs, we'll need to invent a new term. Let's call it:
Genteel Back-Channeling
Just what exactly is Genteel Back-Channeling? It's the behavior of a person who is genteel in public but acidic in private. He or she will not confront the person with whom there is a problem, but will tell others all about it later. Genteel Back-Channelers are masters at involving those who are not part of the problem nor part of the solution. They expand the circle, so to speak, amplifying the problem. They throw gasoline on a spark instead of water. This type of person is conflict-averse and gossip-prone. He or she won't handle issues head-on and out in the open, but rather will "back channel" by trying to build up a coalition of people who "side with their view" through whispering campaigns in the shadows of the hallways. These people are political in nature: they play games and keep score. They generally get their feelings hurt, carry grudges, pout, and assign motives to the behavior of others. Genteel Back-Channelers can make the best of first-impressions but are usually marked by a trail of relational wrecks behind them.
How can you spot this behavior? Here are some signs:
1. "Hey, can I speak to you after the meeting?"
2. "I didn't want to say this in there, but, . . . ."
3. "Do you agree with what Bob said? I"m not so sure . . . ."
4. "Can you keep a secret?"
5. "I love Bob to death, but . . . ."
6. "I didn't tell Bob this, but . . . ."
7. "Bob's a great guy, has some great qualities, it's just that . . . . "
8. "I don't think Bob knows how the rest of us are feeling . . . ."
9. The "silent treatment"
10. Acting like nothing is wrong in public when they've said negative things in private.
It is important to understand this type of behavior because Genteel Back-Channelers appear nearly everywhere groups of people work together. Rare is the team or organization that doesn't have at least one in a position of influence. To have a highly functional team, however, Genteel Back-Channeling cannot be allowed. Otherwise, factions will develop, relationships will be damaged, political games will be played, and what happens "behind the scenes" will trump anything that happens out in the open.
So what do you do if your organization, team, work group, or (swallow hard) family has someone or several someones demonstrating Genteel Back-Channeling behavior?
1. Confront the situation head on, in love.
2. Give clear guidelines for acceptable behavior, but also for those which will not be tolerated. Make sure the whole team understands what's expected. (For the correct way to confront issues and resolve conflict, see my friend Orrin Woodward's blog.)
3. Pray for the offending individual, and for a sweet spirit in yourself as you deal with him or her.
4. If destructive behavior persists, remove the individual from the team or group. This will often be difficult, but entirely necessary. A dysfunctional team is no team at all. In some cases, you will simply have to disassociate with the person.
5. Check yourself against this kind of behavior and make sure your own example is beyond reproach. If it hasn't been, apologize and seek forgiveness.
If you have ever had the great fortune of working on a highly functioning team of people, you will know there are very few situations more fun and exciting, or more productive. But such a special situation can be utterly ruined by one person with that dangerous blend of pride and cowardice; the Genteel Back-Channeler. Like a little bit of arsenic in a batch of brownies, it doesn't take much to ruin the chemistry of a team.
There. You can't say you haven't been warned. (Just don't tell anyone who told you. It's just a secret between you and me. I love those other people to death, but . . . .)
