How to Maximize the Value of Anger
“84% of people surveyed said Americans are angrier today compared with a generation ago*.”
Negative emotions can be useful, but they’re dangerous.
It’s better to maximize the value of anger than to simply manage your emotions.
Three challenges of anger:
#1. Contamination.
You can’t compartmentalize anger.
Anger is a lens that changes the way you see life.
#2. Exhaustion.
Anger provides a burst of energy, but it’s draining when it hangs on.
#3. Stupidity.
Anger changes things, but often not for the better. How many of life’s embarrassing moments are connected to anger?
Three strategies:
Expressing, suppressing, and calming are three strategies for dealing with anger. Expressing anger when done skillfully makes life better. Suppressing delays the inevitable. Anger always comes out somewhere and somehow.
Calming strategies only help if you deal with the cause of anger.
A person who simply manages anger misses the point.
One question to maximize the value of anger:
How many times do you want to feel angry about this again?
Anger is like a screaming two-year old. It isn’t going away on its own.
Frustrations you ignore return with greater intensity. Put anger on tomorrow’s agenda if you ignore it today.
You might blame others for your anger, but only you can resolve it.
Look at yourself when you look for causes. What did you leave undone? What are you allowing that needs to change?
Anger is useful when it…
- Spurs useful action.
- Clarifies values.
- Shifts from don’t-want to do-want.
- Progresses from blame to responsibility.
The next time you don’t deal with anger, make an appointment to feel it again.
How might people maximize the value of anger?
*Anger Poll: 84% Say We’re Madder Than A Generation Ago – NPR
Full results of NPR anger poll
Anger management: Your questions answered – Mayo Clinic
Happy Friday… Dan
Very helpful !!
I’ll admit, something I’m working on..
Good tip with question on how to maximize the value
Thank you as always!!
Thanks Pat. Welcome to the crowd. It’s surprising how we tolerate the situations that frustrate us over and over.
Hi Dan: I agree that people are much angrier than in the past — or at least more likely to express it freely. Anger seems to be the go-to emotion in the workplace for things done, not done, and the response to any actions an employee doesn’t like. I find it’s easier to have a calm response to someone else’s anger – than to channel my own angry feelings into positive outlets/strategies. Thanks for pointing out the danger of burying the anger (which sometimes feels like a professional response) and encouraging positive, thoughtful actions based on the anger.
Glad you found something useful here today. It is easier to help someone deal with their anger. 🙂 … Frankly, it’s easier to help others than it is to work on ourselves, at least in my experience.
I agree, Mary- I try not to bring anger to work by design. I don’t like the feeling- but it does sometimes show up there. Interestingly, when anger shows up for me at work it often looks like teariness, which is inconvenient because I am not feeling sentimental or sad at all. In those moments I don’t need a hug or reassurance; I need to feel heard. This post helped me reflect about that.
I really love the questions at the end, and will use them to reframe. Thanks again, Dan.
That is so insightful — “Anger makes you feel justified.”
Brilliant statement, Elizabeth. Thanks for adding your insight.
Thanks Amy. I respect your transparency about the expression. There have been a few times when I was angry that I got shaky. I think it’s the impact of adrenaline. Thankfully, there’s only a couple times I recall. Anger is a powerful emotion.
Dan, “Anger is like a screaming two-year old. It isn’t going away on its own,” is such a good image! Like a two-year old it also follows you around, and finds the most inopportune times to show up. I appreciate that you listed “expressing, suppressing, and calming” as three strategies for managing anger which make them sound obvious as they gave me pause.
The tough part is that anger makes you feel justified so you almost need to have a plan for it before it shows up.
Thanks Bardohn5. Love the idea of having a plan before it shows up. When emotions are intense, we aren’t thinking straight. I suspect getting some distance and taking a little time to chill out is part of the plan.
Anger is useful when it…opens up vulnerability and communication.
In my workplace, I almost never see anger expressed. I’m not convinced it is all good. There’s a guardedness that limits forward movement and erodes team cohesion and communication. A little anger sprinkled in appropriately may be of benefit.
Anger gets a bad rap. Apathy is worse.
Please delve more into this topic!
The lack of opportunity to deal with the cause of anger is a major thing. Most the time the only thing available is the that tired old trope about having the serenity to accept what you can’t change. Sooner or later, the sheer volume of things you can’t change either exceeds the capacity of somebody’s serenity or leaves them so serene they appear to be comatose or non-responsive. The third, perhaps worse option between anger and unconsciousness is apathy: I can’t fix it, I can’t let it bother me, FIIGMO…
This stands out; “Frustrations you ignore return with greater intensity. Put anger on tomorrow’s agenda if you ignore it today.” I continue to learn that “life” in all contexts is full of frustrations and one just can’t get over that realization. How one handles those frustrations and whether one let’s them lead to uncontrolled “anger” is the key. You say “anger” can be good and I do agree but it’s how one handles that anger. I used to let those frustrations lead to anger that got me upset and caused physical and mental disruption. I’ve slowly learned to turn those “frustrations” quickly through the anger phase to actions. Once I put those actions into context and note most as challenges (not problems as problems are what one see’s on a math test) I take on those challenges striving to achieve solutions. Am I always successful in crafting solutions no I can’t be perfect as there are just so many variables I can never control. Since I have changed my approach on the daily life frustrations (and work is part of it) I’ve been calmer more in control and mostly ahead of things. Patience and grace (with grace being the hardest) are both part of this acquired direction.
Hey Dan,
Great post. I would like to quote it. Do I attribute this quote to you?
You might blame others for your anger, but only you can resolve it.
Also, is this site affiliated with you? Seems to be a direct copy of your post.
https://jeffcassman.biz/category/leadership/