The Truth About Filling Your Own Cup
Servant leadership is pouring out for the advantage of others. But you can’t serve effectively with an empty cup.
Your cup is empty because you poured out more than you poured in.
The truth about filling your own cup:
#1. Not rest:
Sometimes pouring out is pouring in.
Pouring into your own cup isn’t simply taking time off. If you feel empty, maybe it’s time to engage in meaningful labor.
Meaningful labor has high return on energy ROE.
If you’re busy and your cup feels empty, you’re doing the wrong work. Rest might help a little, but it’s not the answer. You have a meaningful-work-deficit.
Reflection: What are you doing that adds value to others and has high ROE? Do as much of that as possible. But remember that being responsible also includes doing things you don’t enjoy.
#2. Responsibility vs. energy:
It doesn’t matter that you don’t enjoy tough conversations. Successful leaders bring up tough issues.
Focus on purpose when doing things that drain you.
Why are you having tough conversations? Perhaps you want to help an employee reach higher or you’re working to improve production.
Honor the value you bring (purpose) even when the work doesn’t feel good.
#3. Development and enablement:
Pour into your own cup by developing skills that enhance your ability to serve.
Self-development fills your cup.
- What leadership behavior might you develop today?
- What recurring frustration can you trace back to something you need to change about yourself?
- What self-limiting behavior or attitude needs to go?
- How might you clarify your inner drivers and apply them to work?
Pour into your own cup by learning to serve better.
Bonus: Explore impact and results.
Where are you having the biggest impact and delivering the best results? How might you do more of that in new areas?
What drains leaders?
How might leaders realistically fill their own cups in a frantic turbulent world?
This is a great slant on a topic that I expected to focus on rest, exercise and work-life balance. I especially appreciate the focus on meaningful work. What I would add to your list is mindfulness. This is an active centering of the self on the present moment. In turn, this enables focus on the right things (rather than busy-ness) and purposeful filling of the cup, as you describe above.
Drained in the past year, I found myself no longer loving my work. Supervising 25 staff at a large teaching hospital was leaving me resentful as team members struggled with trust issues. Nothing I did seemed to work. I began volunteering at a horse rescue. Life began looking up. My time with my 4 legged friends fed my soul. I recognized the similarities between my team and the herd of horses. Fear, insecurity and self protection was what I discovered was being played out as I fed the rescue horses just as it was in my workplace. I stopped trying so hard and focused on staff members strengths to leverage them for success and confidence. Taking care of me had me asking them: “what feeds your soul?”
Hi Dan, great word today and very applicable! A couple of additional thoughts that came to mind while reading this. First, I’ve heard the analogy of filling the cup expanded to show that one of the best ways to pour out to others is to continue to pour into yourself until you overflow into others. Just another thought to consider.
Second, when thinking about refilling your cup and recharging yourself, I had someone once connect the idea of “I’m introverted” or “I’m extroverted” to it. They explained to me that being extroverted or introverted is not as much about how we behave, but about what types of activities recharge us or fill us up. Extroverted people get more recharged by being with others and the social connection whereas introverted people recharge by doing more solitary activites. Both types of people can and should do both types of activities, but keeping the balance and knowing which ones are more recharging for them and which ones require more expenditure of energy, is vitally important to staying filled up and recharged.
Thanks for this one Dan. I feel like this post is for my ears. My job used to be such a joy and now it’s…something else. I thought responsibly taking care of the day to day and letting my bosses shine knowing all was under control would someday lead to it being my turn. I also thought that pushing my people forward and giving them opportunities to grow would be fair and enhance my leadership, too. It has led to new opportunities and promotion for my direct reports while I stay still, being great at making others look good and wondering what the heck just happened. The Cinderella stuff has to stop and your suggestions, esp 3.3 and 3.4 are going in my toolbox. Have a great day!
I think what drains leaders is constantly putting out fires because A) they are not taking the time to think strategically and are only looking at what is right in front of their face and/or B) they refuse to delegate thinking they are the only one that can do the job correctly.
Trusting your people and putting them in the right seat on the bus along with getting out of the weeds can be very freeing.
I had this conversation just last night with a good friend. My blood pressure is way up, ulcer is acting up, home life is a mess. He hit it right on the head, you are running a great team and they are doing good but what are you doing for yourself? How are you filling up your own cup? My response was wrong when I said “I don’t have time”. That said it all. First step this week is to take my days off, like all 3 of them.
As leaders we serve others but we cant do that if we don’t take care of ourselves. Good and very timely post sir.
I am loving my job these days, mostly because our managers have worked really hard to bring the right people into the building with really great interviews that combine skill and knowledge questions (what do you know?) and behavioural (how do you do it?). The energy in the building is great with a combination of more senior staff with a wealth of organizational knowledge, and a vibrant group of younger workers with new families, new energy and great technology skills. In addition to that, we get to take time to do really meaningful training that develops us for work and for home. My new style is to tell it like it is (with respect). It has made such a huge difference in my relationships with both supervisors and direct reports. Those fierce conversations were really tough at first, but with practice, they make for authentic and respectful relationships. I genuinely like my staff, and really care about them as people. They have their own strengths and I make sure I give them credit for a job well done, as well as encourage them to stretch and grow.
And finally, in a crazy busy office where there is always more work to do than time to do it, it is so important to play together, whether it is a game of bowling with the team, an overnight all-staff meeting complete with a lakeside retreat, a well stocked snack basket in the lunchroom, or a cook-off where we all bring our best dishes and break bread together. And then there is always family, friends and my garden when I go home. La vie est bonne! (life is good!)
I loved reading this because it helps me realize why deciding to retire is/has been such a difficult decision. I love my work and feel energized by it. I cannot wait to hear you in a couple of weeks at the Iowa Special Education Symposium!
I love this BTW. Every morning I start by reading this and always feel like my thoughts are better focused and the pencil is sharpened. Thanks
Such a great post and I enjoyed reading the comments! We have trained our upper level Leaders in prepping mind and body for hard work, the same as athletes prepare their mind and body for their work. Athletes seem so much more diligent about prepping the mind and filling their cup but workers haven’t made the same progress. I have noticed in myself that when I am doing fulfilling work (as I define it for myself), my whole self improves. I appreciate the slant you included above that helps frame your mindset to align what you do with your personal values.
Spot on about meaningful work being rewarding not draining!
Hopefully without giving offense to anyone, I would like to say this reminds me of the ancient creation story about the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve had to work before the curse; they had to “dress and tend” the Garden. The curse that followed the bit with the fruit and the snake was that the ground would begin to bear thorns and thistles.
“Work” was not the curse but rather that work would not always produce the desired results.
Deliberately focusing on rewarding work and its connection to refilling the cup is really great advice, Dan. Thanks for this! And, by the way, I also find that 30-mile bike rides help with the mental de-cluttering and spiritual refreshing…
Great post, Dan. It immediately reminded me of a Seth Godin quote.
“Instead of wondering when your next vacation is, maybe you should set up a life you don’t need to escape from.” Seth Godin
These ways of thinking are how I went from miserable to incredibly happy (despite the fact that my job has some very draining/boring tasks that are required).
This is so true! I don’t know where the saying came from, but I have said this for a long time. You cannot pour into others if you are empty. I have to constantly watch out for when I am feeling drained and empty after “pouring” into my team for 8-10 hours a day and then coming home and having 0 energy (hence impacting my daughter). I know when to pull back, when to say “no” or “not right now”. It is hard, but oh so important. We must invest in ourselves, take. the time off that the company gives, know when to slow things down, know when to pick up a good book that will help us be more strategic or even help us escape. I always say, I’m no good to anyone if I’m dead. And if I’m dead, I am pretty sure the company will find someone great to replace me and keep moving on – lol! Make your mark, be a great leader, but not at all costs 😉
Dan, enjoyed your thoughts as usual. I just wrote on a similar subject, the loneliness of leadership. Leaders tend to be busy filling the needs of others but don’t take the time or see the need to develop relationships where others can pour a little into their cup. For example, leaders often give affirmation but seldom hear it. In addition to your thoughts, I also recommend a peer group, personal board of advisors, or some trusted friends who can meet some of our relational/emotional needs.
Watch out for people who want to drink out of your cup. You have only so much you can spare.