15 Tips for Overcoming Insecurity
Living with others in mind is healthy, noble, and useful except when insecurity drives you.
Insecure leaders:
- Defend when they should explore.
- Take things personally.
- Blame higher ups for tough decisions.
- Don’t trust others because they don’t trust themselves.
- Can’t say no.
- Threaten, intimidate, and coerce.
- Shut down input from others because feedback is frightening.
- Micromanage.
- Won’t delegate.
- Yell.
- Backstab.
- Create teams of yes-men.
- Illustrate their competence and successes too frequently.
- Hoard knowledge.
- Delay decisions and then flip flop after.
- Seem snobbish.
- Crave positional authority and respect.
- Nitpick and belittle.
- Share blame and take credit.
- Name drop.
Bonus: Think others are out to get them.
15 tips for overcoming insecurity:
- Realize success won’t help. Let it go.
- Develop trusted confidants and tell them your insecurities.
- Compare yourself with yourself, not others.
- Act with optimism.
- Engage in self-reflection every day.
- Keep a journal.
- Believe you have purpose and place. You belong in this world.
- Let your humanity out.
- Pray.
- Read biographies.
- Let opportunity rather than fear motivate.
- Say out loud, “This is a tough decision.”
- Act and speak with gentle confidence.
- Give others what you wish they’d give you.
- Center debate and decision making on issues not people.
Insecurity viciously and relentlessly pushes people around.
I wish there was a magic pill. Growing through insecurity is slow and perilous but it enhances life and leadership.
We’ve all seen insecure leaders who hobble their own success. What symptoms and cures for insecurity can you add?
Question for you… If you are working for an insecure leader, how do you help them deal with their insecurity in a way that will enable them to lead well?
Or, is this something that they need to deal with on their own?
Matt, my two cents worth: When your boss is insecure, you always have to consider whether what you do or say will be considered threatening to him/her. Insecure bosses like to remove threats.
I believe your role is the same with your boss as with any other team member: Use your strengths to mitigate their weaknesses. If there’s a way you can do work or package information or interact with customers/other departments that will put your boss on a more comfortable footing, he/she will lead more confidently and you will be valued.
If you have the right relationship, ask how to help. “What can I do to take some stress off?” “How can I help you free up some time to work on X?” Insecure bosses are usually quick to delegate work they don’t feel they can do well. Again, move him/her away from the stress zone and back to a point of greater confidence.
No science here, the smart folks might have better advice. Just some stuff I learned by earning some scars along with the knowledge.
Thanks Greg!
I worked with an incredibly insecure boss several years ago… and I did not do it well (as my scars show). It nearly killed the entire organization… which bugs me. I hear what you are saying about taking stress off, and I think that is wise. But, for the life of me I am dying to figure out a way to deal with the root issues for the good of the organization (next time I am in this situation).
I guess the one who figures this out is going to make a fortune on the book deal.
You’re right about root issues. I’m admittedly not smart enough for that, so, right or wrong, tend to focus on behaviors instead. When you meet that smart guy/gal, pass the name along, would you?
Hi Matt, I might add to the excellent points that Greg made by saying the following.I know a lot of these sound counter intuitive but they have opened doors leading to dialogue and building trust so that he/she “lets you in” and you can listen and offer suggestions when he/she asks which at this point he/she is often ready to hear.
With that goal in mind: Smother them with kindness; take every opportunity to praise publicly the good things; thank them for letting you participate in the success of the team; Firmly but kindly hold everyone accountable for failures with “participatory” leadership expected from all to make the mishap a learning and growth experience.
I have found that insecurities tend to be deep rooted and personal and only with encouragement and support can the individual begin to acquire courage and determination. When your boss is not afraid to to fail and takes risks you will know he/she is safely on their way to resilience. A lot of folks might argue why is the person in a position of leadership to begin with. Someone must have felt the skills were there at one point and none of us know all the different scenarios that afflict people during the journey we call life.
Hi Matt,
I don’t think that’s your job,if s/he’s insecure, than trying to make them feel secure will probably come back to haunt you. Staying away from insecure people, in my opinion, is the best you can do. They might befriend you for a short while, but when something wrong happens, you’ll be the first one who’ll be scapegoated. Check this short read by Sarah Runge on scapegoating: http://www.pmhut.com/the-art-of-scapegoating-in-it-projects
Dear Dan,
I appreciate the points of insecurity. You have added almost all the points. I would like to add that “Fear” is root of all evils. It is the root of insecurity. And the way to overcome fear is to kill fear. We can kill fear by maximising options, enhancing efforts, expecting less and being hopeful even in pessimistic situations. Generally we create our own boundary of limitation. These limitations need to be broken up. In fact there is no limitation. It is our perception. I agree that we should compare ourselves with ourselves. And of course, without purpose everything is useless. So, every leader should be purpose. It provides direction and meaning to the life. I believe that when fear dominates, unethical practices take place. When we happily see opportunity, our actions motivate us.
Overcoming fear is a challenge. Most of the time fear does not exist. It is created by us. I think fear is nothing but belief. If we believe it is there, it is. If we think, it is not there, it is not.
Ajay I love your comment and your thoughts on fear being “created by us.” It reminds me of the saying and I am paraphrasing: There is only heaven or hell if you think it so.”
Good post as always, Dan.
I think the most damaging thing that you have listed is that they don’t trust others because they do not fully trust themselves.
This makes them very hard to get to know and help change course. They take almost every entre as an intrusion or an attack. they are certain that you are trying to “get them” or “get something from the” or “make them look bad or foolis.” When the truth is they usually do a great job of those things all by themselves.
I work with at least one such leader. In addition to seeming snobbish and over-educated, they also seem selfish and self-centered in most of their actions. This makes it hard for the team.
And, yes the answers are to pray and just be human; warts and all.
We are all afraid of something. Fear will either imprison us where we stand, or drive us forward. We must learn to let it go or use it to our advantage by embracing it, and stepping forward, anyway.
Martina
@martinamcgowan
Love the point about fear, Martina. I think we all have a basic fear of looking foolish. We act timidly at work for the same reason I hated high school dances: I’m pretty sure everyone was laughing at me.
Martina, Your last paragraph resonates. I work with a few extremely insecure leaders. These leaders exemplify just about every item on Dan’s list. My guess is they are insecure because they’ve worked for the same company and have been promoted from assistants to leadership without any kind of guidance or training. But, it is very challenging working with them. I appreciate your words and will refer to them when the frustration is overwhelming. Thank you!
Hi Martina. Again love the thoughts on fear and I agree with ML about your last paragraph resonating with me. It reminds me of the comment by Joe Tye author of “all hands on deck” “Fear is always a reaction to something that will occur in the future. Courage is a decision you can make here and now.” I would add “Faith” to the equation which also portends a time ahead but with positive and not negative connotations which emanate from fear.
To me, insecurity really is rooted in the nagging idea that you’ve gotten yourself to a place where you can’t meet expectations.
The question is, then, are you right? Is it a skills/talent issue? Maybe you oversold yourself and when it’s time to perform the learning curve is too steep — my brother had that recently. He spent two stressful years in that job before being honest enough to admit it was a misfit.
If this is the case, then the path through insecurity is to grow your skills. Best case: Your boss has enough confidence in you that you can confide your concerns and get his/her help.
Maybe you’re not right, though. Maybe you have what it takes and more, but you don’t believe in yourself. Self-esteem issues can be crippling and are hard to get past. My recommendation in those cases has always been for people to go back to that place where they have confidence in themselves, wherever it was. Then, from that secure base, stretch themselves and prove themselves in other areas. Eventually they will become confident in their ability to learn and do. I’m sure there are some social workers and mental health people who would have better advice than I do.
Hi Greg, your comment on re-visiting an area of strength to rebuild confidence is spot on. I can personally relate to that as I remember my dread, fear and insecurity of public speaking and the sense that I was a “flop.” It took my CEO some time ago to encourage me to get some training and practice small speeches with him. I did not get it perfect right away but his repetitive words of encouragement made my determination stronger. Now we take turns presenting at the managers meeting and sometimes we present together. It has been an uplifting experience not only because of feeling in the “zone” when I speak but the incredible kindness and affirmation my boss bestowed on me. He became an invaluable role model that helped me understand my strengths, develop my potential, and not be distracted by fear of my weaknesses but as Martina says embrace them, accept them and focus on the good I can do and not the good I’m not capable of. I have also found joy in “paying forward” every opportunity I get.
Fear, lack of trust, missing self-esteem — these are all very wise and insightful additions to your post, Dan.
Asking what you can do about these things is the tough question, especially if it’s your boss, as Matt points out.
One of the things we can do to support leaders who are interested in growing through their insecurity is to create environments where the behavioral manifestations of that insecurity are not tolerated.
Much more easily said than done, I know. Start small, with acts of empathic extension — we’re all insecure about something — and build from there.
M
Michael, your last paragraph reminds me of a co-worker who used to say, “Time to put on my Jello suit.” That was his analogy for being able to absorb punishment without taking damage. He saw that as his role with our insecure boss – to take the bad stuff calmly so it never escalated. Another small act, but perhaps helpful.
Thank you so much for sharing such helpful tips 🙂 Your blog is great and therefore I’m nominating you for awards on my blog: http://evilnymphstuff.wordpress.com/2012/01/27/weekly-photo-challenge-simple/
Congrats!
I work in a remote office from the rest of my team. I am moving, reluctantly, to the main office later in the year. Reading the insecure leaders description is like reading the play by play of every single meeting, event and experience I’ve had at this office with the management team there AND the staff! Makes me really nervous about moving there – and makes me really hesitant to commit now. *sigh*
Rebecca, sounds like your team desperately needs you, or at least someone confident and stable. If you haven’t already, you might like to look at John Maxwell’s 360-Degree Leadership materials. The book is excellent, with a lot that could help in a situation like you describe,
And since Greg mention John M., I will chime in with Marshall Goldsmith’s Feedforward tool—if you are going to be the relative new kid on the block, might be that brief window of opportunity to offer up a way for all to grow.,
Good insecurity list! As I was reading your list I could not help but think of one of my old bosses. I would have to add to your listing that insecure bosses are usually bullies.
I think you pretty well covered the bases. These klinds of bosses can make for toxic work environments for sure.
Fantastic! I think this is really helpful.
My heart pounds with the accuracy of your words. Excellent post!
Insecure leaders look backwards, secure leaders look ahead. Now if you can’t see anything, then your head is in the sand and you are still insecure but don’t want anyone telling you.
Insecurity may also imply stagnation, stuckness, and/or fear of risk.
Soooo, take some wise and skilled risks! (wisdom and skill are needed to have a solid opportunity at success) Get out of your (jail) shell and try something new. It will amaze you how energizing, freeing it can be.
Doc, bingo on your “head in the sand” comment. We all know so-called leaders who can’t seem to see past the end of their noses. And it’s a good caution for us in those times when the world seems boring.
Hi Doc your head in the sand like Greg says resonates with me. No one has ever told me what is the best way to get someone’s head out of the sand and that may be another blog post by Dan in the future if he has not already done one. I always tell people that I don’t like the word “never” because it leaves no room for discussion. The verbal message of the folks with their heads rooted down in the sand. I welcome ideas and remember I am not a zoologist!:)
#7 Believe you have a purpose and a place. You belong in this world” ………Absolutely priceless!!
What symptoms and cures for insecurity can you add?
I think one of the tragedies of insecurity is that it so completely camouflages itself. If all of us who suffer from insecurity could have someone we trust in whom we could confide how utterly afraid and fragile we feel, even when portraying to the world a facade of competency and confidence, there would be a lot of people who slept a bit more unburdened each evening.
Conversely, one of the best pieces of advice I ever got about dealing with insecurity was to act like I was a lot more confident than I was. It is true – a lot of people who are in need of being led don’t need to know our brain’s inner workings – they just need clear direction from a committed individual willing to put forth what needs to be done.
Hi Paula, “camouflaged insecurity” great concept and often unperceived. The difficult part is we all have our very own personal “fatigues” (not sure I spelled that right but Greg will know 🙂 ) so recognizing it is a challenge. Like you say if someone who is in your circle of trust is around that is where I would turn to.
This may be stating the obvious but “get a great coach” would be my #16. Almost all my clients address insecurities with me and many times it’s because we learn through self awareness and inquiry that their lack of confidence or fears are the root cause of the behaviours you describe. Coaching is a fantastic way for leaders to share their deep fears that have accumulated as a result of isolation or ‘CEO disease’. They feel they have to behave as if they have answers and skills and on top, is often the expectation of others that this is the case. It is a crippling disease that can stem from old school thinking about failure being a sign of weakness and our education system that deals in terms of right and wrong, good or bad versus unconditional acceptance of what is and going from there. Great post Dan.
Morning Dan, it’s cold and damp here in the North of Engkand and I hope I find you well?
Your list of twenty above has elements of most of the managers I’ve known over my working career, but not all twenty at any one time.
So the question is, How many of the twenty would confirm an insecure leader? Indeed if one person were to have all the items in their character could they function, not only as a leader but as a person? Or, if all of the twenty were in one person would that make them a prime candidate for a life in politics or on the board of a multinational corporation?
As for the second list of 15.
Good grief. I’m happy to report I’m already doing all of them.! Maybe that’s why some people feel uncomfortable around me?
Thought for me to ponder – I’m not the Jerk I thought I was?
Respect
G
These are all such great comments. Curiosity and caring about other people, listening, and supporting are the ways to break through these barriers over time.
Thanks to everyone who supported this post with your great comments. They will help a lot of people to change their perspectives!
I don’t think there is more I can add to this other then being honest with yourself. Ask yourself why you feel insecure at that moment or when your in a particular situation then begin working on why. I had a “friend” in university who was insecure but hid it under exagerated bravado. She was a pretty mean girl who wounded me and the rest of her friends with subtle blows. I felt insecure because I was taller, I had smaller breasts, shorter hair and I dressed like a universty student instead of a girl stepping out of Yorkville(a very expensive shopping area in town) for a day out. I thought about it and realized I needed to distance myself from her over our summer break and recconect with what made me great. I did that and realized how toxic her company really was. It was the best thing I could have done for myself and I have never looked back since.
Sometimes you have to distance yourself from the source, other times you have to find out why you feel the way you do and do the positive things you can to make yourself feel better.
Thanks for nice articles..
As suggest Journal, I tried many times.. couldn’t decide Subjects.. like If I Use 5 Subject NB, what can be Sections?
Have a Great Time,Always..
I certainly have trouble with “Can’t say no”. Does that really mean that I’m insecure?
I guess the article is saying that insecurity is about worrying about too much about the opinion of others. “Can’t say no” is an effort to be the “good guy” and to do the right thing.
Unfortunately trying to do the right thing for everyone means not being doing any-thing for anyone.
Julian
http://aninspirationalidea.com
What great input from the FB page Dan, and of course from your wise leadership mind. Insecurity is such a crutch to humankind, and like the tide, just as soon as you think you have it whipped there it is again.
Dealing with insecurity is a journey I believe, it comes and goes, and as is seen in many points on your list, one has to get to a place where you can detach from your ego, let go of your memes and be at peace with your true self, in touch with your spirit.
Leadership is not easy in the first place, but when insecurity gets in, it can be like having a bald tire on your car, you have poor grip, probably poor alignment and it is just a matter of time until you get a flat.
I will share your lists on my FB page as they are so good, and I must say that I love No 8. “Let your humanity out.” How beautiful and poignant is that.
Insecurity grows from within and so must be cured, undone or let out from within. Thanks for the awesome post.
Thank you for the article and insightful Responses.
Dan my life get’s enriched with every post of yours.
Now i know better why some bosses/people behave the way they do.
How do you do this? You hit it on the money EVERY time. Thanks so much! Keep’em comin’!
Today I found out I’m insecure. Thank you for the tips on recovery.