Build your Life and Leadership Through Listening
I’m a listener that used listening to control people. If I ask the questions, I’m controlling the conversation. If I’m controlling the conversation, I’m controlling you. Does that make you uncomfortable? It should.
It took me years to realize I used listening as a protective devise to keep people at arm’s length. Aubrey Hepburn captured how I felt. “I don’t want to be alone; I just want to be left alone.”
Keeping people at arm’s length doesn’t create connections.
Basic listening:
Listening is a gift. It’s not unusual, after spending time with someone, for them to say, “Thanks for listening.”
I listen to understand because I love learning. Listening to understand is good – it takes you further than listening to speak.
Intermediate listening:
Listening to make people feel understood is better than listing to understand. It’s a shift from you to them. But there’s more…
Advanced listening:
Listening to connect is the best listening of all; it’s about you and them.
I recently ran into a retired judge at Starbucks and we started talking while standing in line. I started listening to connect, not simply to understand. Part way through the conversation I said, “It’s so encouraging for me to see a person who spent their life dealing with the darker side of society have such a positive attitude.”
I’d been asking him questions about his latest project when his positive attitude washed over me.
We stood in the middle of Starbucks for twenty minutes talking.
Listening to understand may drain your energy – you can only understand so much. Listening to connect, however, energizes.
Method or vision:
Basic and intermediate listening are methods. Listening to connect is an energizing vision.
My coach Bob Hancox from Tekara taught me this by listening.
If you’d like someone to listen to you, drop Bob a note at: bobhancox@me.com
What’s your listening strategy?
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Nice distinctions…
Listening should be easy, but it isn’t as most people are busy thinking about what to say next rather than just listening. When people bring you problems, sometimes all you have to do is listen. Don’t be surprised if they solve the problem as they try to explain it to you. Great post. I just reposted at http://bit.ly/j64zm3. Keep up the good work. Douglas W. Green, EdD
I’m on board with you Dan. Listening is a difficult skill to learn well in such a noisy world. The hardest part for most people is to jst shut up.
I have written this before, but it has always been my philosophy that if you let people get their complete thought out, they will give you a ton of information about what is really going on.
It has also been my professional experience that if I let the patient express what is happening in their own words, 80-90% of the time I know what’s going on before I even touch them.
It’s a more important skill than most people realize.
Good post, as always.
It’s that “complete comment” thing that can be hard, especially for impatient folks, which many leaders are by nature.
I’m on board too – listening is such a powerful tool, but it’s used effectively by so few.
I know that I personally struggle with doing it well. A couple of tactics I’ve found to help are:
1. Use reflection…a lot. Reflect what people are say to show that you understand their meaning, their emotions, and can connect with where they’re coming from (kind of an intermediate skill).
2. Think percentages (kind of like what Martina said) – if found that I listen more effectively when I remind myself to let the other person do at least 2/3 of the talking.
Thanks for the great reminder!
I am a terrible listener. This is something I have to remind myself of at the beginning of every conversation. Your discription of listening to to speak was my default for many years. On your list above, I am now an intermediate listener. I have still felt like something is missing and you have defined it for me as listening to connect. Thanks for the post.
I’m with you, Bonnie, except I would say I listen to do rather than speak. I just want to accomplish something.
Great topic today, and one that is near and dear to my heart! My formal training (graduate degree in counseling) and other training (telephone crisis intervention counseling) have all been heavy on “active listening.” So much so that I rarely dispense specific “you shoulds” back to whoever I am listening to (although now that I have a teenager, a few “shoulds” are warranted!). The challenge to me is that my recent DISC evaluation for a work training thing did highlight the listening skills but also told supervisors/people who wanted to “deal most effectively with me” to “stay at least 3 feet away.” I know how the evaluation got to that point (sort of) but I struggle because that may represent my physical approach to the world but I really, really love to connect via the kind of listening you describe, Dan. When we shut up long enough to let others really shine through their own words, we discover so much more.
I’ve always been a big fan of listening and I love this post… any new perspectives on listening are always helpful. I’ve always listened to learn; to learn what the other person needs or wants – then I am in better postion to serve them, to help them get what the need or want. This is only my first week as a subscriber to Leadership Freak and I have gained so much already, thanks!
So true, so good. I am soo working on this at this time. Thanks for the wisdom.
Thomas McDaniels
My basic problem with listening is my activity level. Every moment of my day is a trade-off: If I do this, then that won’t get done. In that context, I really value short, pointed communication. Frankly, my day is filled with people looking to fill their time, which is another way of saying waste mine. It’s a constant struggle to a) separate the wheat (conversations I need to invest in) from the chaff and b) slow down enough to honor the relationships by being genuinely involved. I don’t have trouble not talking, I have trouble setting everything else aside and being 100% there for the conversation. I can ignore the computer and the Blackberry; I’m less successful at ignoring the mounting pressure as precious minutes slip away.
Serendipitous moment Dan? Your encounter also speaks to being ‘in the moment’ wherever we are, because we never know if that person in front of us or behind us has unmined gems waiting for us. If we are so wrapped up in ourselves that we do not try to connect, that moment and those nuggets are gone. Do not presume you are just there to get your caffeine to start the day.
And, your image of that humane light that shines brightly in spite of the darkest corners of society, wow. Speaks to the strengths of us humans!
Listening strategies….folks have covered some excellent ones.
Embrace silences when in dialogue, they allow both of us to process, gather thoughts and make the next connection. Too often we get uncomfortable with silence between people…except in religious settings when we pray…hmm. Maybe that silence is necessary reflection.
Ask questions…and if you are asking questions, that means you are seeking answers or more information, which means you do need to listen then.
Respect…respect the person by not interrupting. Respect the moment by truly being 100% there. Respect the vulnerability of the connection, it is gossamer no doubt. A glance away, an inattention, a look at a cell phone, an inner thought driving behavior away…and the thread is worn if not broken.
Hey, Doc, great point about silences. I have Native American friends who are very deliberate about periodic silence; for them it’s respectful as well as time to process.
Thanks 4 this one Dan. Your tweet brought me to this page – a first-timer. I’ll b back. Roger, with International Ministerial Fellowship
Dear Dan,
I agree that listening is a good leadership skill. I appreciate that listening connect you with others and when you listen to connect, it is a vision. I have extension to this perspective. Listening helps us to understand and know the boundaries and limitation of others. This provides an opportunity to exercise your skills and abilities to bring more value to discussion. Listening actually opens up more options to think upon. When you listen to others, others feel respected and important. And when other feel respected, they open up and this create a platform where discussion and learning can be encouraged.
I believe, you allow others to speak; you come to know their strength and potentials. This provides an edge to take forward relationship building. Listening is a positive attitude and almost all successful people have listening skill.
Dan, maybe you’d like to take my online assessment, Hear! Hear? Your Listening Portfolio? You’d learn which of four listening habits you most prefer and what strengths and challenges that profile brings.
You can be in touch at mjthier@xtho.com. I’d be delighted.
I try to listen, but when I encounter a better listener I forget to listen back and instead run my mouth. This week, I have been thinking a lot about how I can reprogram myself to listen more. I have decided to intentionally ask open-ended questions, rather than interrogate. This way, the other person can reveal more.
Been there still doing that, great one Kathi, cracked me up. I walk away going, wow s/he really listened to me…wait, I was supposed to listening…how did they do that!?
I’ve noticed that the relationships that you build through advanced listening are much broader and richer than those that focus on the transactional learning of basic listening. If you know what you expect to hear from someone and listen based only on that expectation you can miss much of the value – and values – that they have to share
I call this the 70/30 rule. You have two ears and one mouth.
As an introvert, listening is a strength because that IS how I connect. Thanks fo putting this into such an eloquent post that I can ponder and use to improve my skills at letting others know my listening is about them and the connection I wish to make to and with them.
Peg
God gave us 2 ears & 1 mouth for a reason…we should be listening more than talking.
This is amazing and more people need to read this. My mother and I have had many rifts because I’ve always told her she never listens – only hears. She’s been working hard at listening and our relationship is improving – as well as maturing.