Identifying Dysfunctional Relationship Patterns
“When relationships are dysfunctional, there are three basic roles people play: persecutor, rescuer, and victim,” Marlen Chism. The lists that follow are adapted from, Stop Workplace Drama.
Victims:
- Constantly complain.
- Resist solutions.
- Lack boundaries.
- Feel they’ve been done wrong. (sometimes you have)
- Fear conflict. Won’t speak up.
- Borrow money.
- Rely on parents, even in adulthood.
- Blame, negativity, and excuse making.
- Say, “I didn’t have a choice.”
Persecutors:
- Need to win every argument.
- Feel right most of the time, they can prove it.
- Believe others don’t see their own faults.
- Are blunt even if feelings are hurt.
- Seem unapproachable.
- Make fun of others.
- Are disrespectful and sarcastic.
- Hit below the belt.
- Have consistently angry outbursts.
- Roll their eyes and use other forms of discounting.
Stop Workplace Drama on Amazon
I read the lists of things rescuers, victims, and persecutors do to my wife. In my typical style, I told her what she was and in her style, she asked me what I thought I was. She’s a rescuer and I’m a persecutor. Our combination explains the reason our children survived their childhood.
In reality, we all play all three rolls with one being dominant. Push a victim too far and anger fuels their courage, they become persecutors, same goes for rescuers.
Why:
The first step of growth is seeing the dysfunctional roles we play. Your view of your role – victim, rescuer, or persecutor – determines your view of the world, your future, and your relationships.
“The only way to get off the Triangle is by accepting responsibility and adopting the mind-set of becoming a creator,” Chism.
After leaders see themselves in new ways, what can they do to break out of the dysfunctional patterns they’ve adopted?
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Oooh, I like the role of creator. This is all closely related to the scarcity/abundance mentality spectrum. Those who believe there’s plenty for all can easily become creators, and resist the three roles of the triangle. That’s one of the first things leaders need to do is embrace the idea that there’s enough for all, a rising tide floats all boats, and that winning doesn’t mean someone else loses. That frees us to become cheerleaders and to believe strongly in the capabilities of those we work with.
Good post, Dan. As we see ourselves in new ways and take on new roles as leaders, one of the first important steps is to see what’s gone before. Most of us have observed these dysfuncti0ns before we get into leadership role, and the challenge is to see the players for who they are, help others assess the situation and develop a plan for not doing things the same way they have always been done.
it is very easy to drift back into these roles, especially when things aren’t going as we like. But we must hold ourselves and others accountable for bringing about a change in the culture.
Yes, Greg and Martina. I have a free download on my web, called “The Vow of Personal Responsibility.” You can grab it (without signing in to anything) and can make copies, or send via e-mail to your employees and managers.
(The only thing I ask is not to alter the content or the formatting since it has my contact information on it.)
Companies are having some results with this easy to use piece, by reading at a meeting, passing around and inviting employees to sign.
Here is the link. http://www.stopyourdrama.com/2VowofResponsibility.pdf
I just read it, Marlene. I was grasping to find a way to describe personal responsibility this morning on the (very early) drive to school with my teenager. In a rare moment, there were no ears plugged by earbuds and the topic of sitting at a different table at lunch came up. Remember how doing something like “sitting at the [insert characteristic – athletic, social, nerdy] table” when it is not your “usual” in high school is tantamount to wearing a fur coat to a PETA meeting? When the statement “I can’t just walk over there and sit with them, even though I want to be friends with them” was made, it was a perfect teachable moment. Not sure how well I rose to the occasion in that moment but I will share this with her. Thanks for a great tool.
Oh, I remember those years. It never really changes does it? LOL. I have an idea for you to use with her. Find her place of “willingness.” In other words, it may be too big of a leap to actually go and plop down at the popular table. (She’s not willing to do that because of fear.)
When I’m coaching my clients, I help them find the place of willingness, because (in my book) I talk about how nothing happens until one is willing. In other words, willingness is the “fulcrum point” of change.
So…talk to her and ask her something like, “Would you be willing to start a conversation with one of the kids you want to be friends with?” Or, “Would you be willing to give a small compliment to one of the kids that you want to know?”
I find that often (no matter what our age) if we can break it down to the next right step, it creates movement and relives much of the “pain.” Let me know if this helps.
That is a great idea, Marlene. Thanks for the suggestion!
With a nod to history and the Temple of Apollo at Delphi, moving from truly knowing thyself to seeing thyself in a different light. And if we visualizing this in spirals, the workplace drama has been a negative spiral and the creator perspective can be a positive spin. (We could go into having been the ‘creator’ of our own drama, however that still throws us back into the tar pit.)
The tense of the experience is important as it reflects the ‘stuckness’ of the triangle. If we spend much (all?) of our time wallowing in the past injustices and drama, it is at the expense of the future and so much potential.
So check your verbs. If the dialogue is past focused, you may still be a workplace thespian. How are we looking—back at what we have done, what we have had done to us, what should have been done or are we looking ahead at what can be. I do know I need to periodically see that perspective of where I have been, however, it is much more fulfilling and energizing to look ahead, to create the future.
That is great advice about checking your verbs. So often we spend so much time either in anxiety about the future or guilt about the past that we miss the one opportunity for power, which is the present moment. It’s all drama and distraction.
I posted a video about this, and it’s called “Living in the Zone,” and using a number line to visualize the zone. The link is here if you are interested. http://tinyurl.com/6hqvk7h
After leaders see themselves in new ways, what can they do to break out of the dysfunctional patterns they’ve adopted?
Our leadership at my organization is undergoing a several-weeks-long “Dynamic Communications” and “Your Attitude is Showing” training based (partially) on the DISC assessment. So “seeing ourselves in new ways” and seeing ourselves as others see us is a topic under much processing/discussion right now. It seems like a piece of the puzzle is bringing the desired changes to light – actually saying, “I know it is my tendency not to act with a sense of urgency sometimes, so I am working on communicating differently,” or whatever behavior/characteristic you are trying to adjust sometimes gets you positive reinforcement for making the change as well as the gratitude of coworkers who want to be part of a better functioning team.
(And I think in some extreme cases a complete change of environment is warranted too.)
Paula,
Yes, awareness is the first step. As Dr. Phil McGraw would say, “you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.” After that, from my perspective lasting change comes from a desire to grow and to align with your higher values.
A person may know her personality type, and understand the dysfunction that contributes to their pain, BUT…without a CLEAR perspective of who you want to be in this world, the same old lessons keep appearing over and over again.
For me, when I went through my transformation it was because I became so committed to a set of values, that it helped me to transform, and to view my challenges as a personal game that I could master.
I’ve never looked back.
Creation – the only way to do business to create a win-win-win situation. I like it. Also, thanks, Marlene for all your gifts today. I was speaking to a friend/client last night before her treatment, and we were talking about forgiveness (her of certain members of her family). In the book, the Healing Code, I believe it was Alex Loyd who spoke of all the cancer patients he had come in contact, all of them had unresolved forgiveness issues. In my client’s case, we spoke of that in her life, and my words were (paraphrased), if you can’t find it in yourself to forgive at this time, do you think you could come up with the prayer/words ‘help me to find it in me to someday be able to consider the idea of forgiveness?’ The idea of willingness gave her some hope. Sometimes it is babysteps.
THANK you for your insights. I do private coaching and find that many of the “drama” issues are forgiveness issues…the need to forgive self or others.
You are SPOT on, that it’s about willingness.
My experience is that all we have to do is to “be willing” and movement begins. (or in some very stubborn cases, to be willing to be willing.)
I believe this is a spiritual law, and no matter what a person’s belief system, once a person is willing there is something bigger than ourselves that does the completion.
Thank you so much for sharing this.
Dear Dan,
I am excited to know about third category. Rescuer could be one who moderate between victims and persecutor. I see these three role people play in the organization as Rigid, Blunt and Flexible. It is difficult to change rigid people because they believe and continue to believe their own thoughts. They never introspect inwardly and find excuses most of the times. Blunt people are opportunists. They are like chameleon, they change their approach, style and strategy anytime to match their interest. They are most dangerous than rigid people. They even do not allow honest and dissent people to grow in the organizations. Rescuers could be one who make level field and position themselves in such a way that they are good to superiors and subordinates both.
I think, to break dysfunctional pattern is be real and authentic. I strongly believe that dysfunctional arise out of expectation and inertia. Wherever, expectation and inertia exists, dysfunction exist.
So, leaders should believe in their effort, intention and values. In this way, they can break being dysfunctional.
Great post. There is a great book called The Power of TED which provides antitodes to the Drama Triangle. Enjoy!
Thanks for this into to the drama triangle. It can certainly lead to some interpersonal difficulties and relationship dissatisfaction. I’m a counsellor and psychotherapist in Melbourne and I’ve written an article on the drama triangle as well. Your readers might be interested in checking it out for further info about how the roles develop and people in each of the roles interact. http://www.paulthecounsellor.com.au/victim-persecutor-rescuer/
The site has some other posts about family roles and relationship patterns as well.
Great post!