How to Quiet a Loud Inner Critic and Stop Bossing Yourself Around
Competent people don’t like being bossed around.
You bristle when an obnoxious boss tells you to do something. You might smile and take it, but you don’t leap for joy!
Is the voice in your head an obnoxious boss? Is it critical and degrading? Do you say things to yourself that you wouldn’t say to someone you like and respect?
Bossy accusations in your head:
The most powerful words you hear are the ones you say to yourself.
Your loud inner critic drowns out compliments. Instead, it obsesses over small complaints. Your inner critic says, “No, it wasn’t,” when someone says, “Good job.”
The words you say to yourself shape the way you feel about yourself. It’s impossible to flourish while listening to constant self-complaints and self-criticisms in your head.
Words are rudders.
The words you say to yourself shape the future.
Reflect on the trajectory and destination of your bossy inner critic. Don’t go where your inner accuser takes you!
Questions instead of accusations:
You react to yourself the same way you react to an obnoxious leader when you boss yourself around.
What if you asked yourself a question instead of bossing yourself around?
Self-questions:
- How important is completing this project today on a scale of 1 to 10?
- What if I don’t finish this project today?
- What’s the next step in finishing this project today?
“Will you finish that project this morning?” feels different than, “You have to finish that project this morning.”
When you ask yourself a forward-facing question, you treat yourself with respect.
When you ask yourself a question, you invite creativity. Don’t ask, “Are you a loser?” Instead ask, “What might you try?”
Stop treating yourself like an incompetent. Try self-questions.
What self-accusations block growth and development?
What self-questions might create positive trajectory for leaders?
What self-accusations block growth and development? If you feel you can’t? Your defeated before you start.
What self-questions might create positive trajectory for leaders? Can I or we do this? Of course we can. We have to take on the challenges and “sometimes learn as you go”. If we align ourselves in the mode we are capable, than we can Lead, we can perform. Staying positive in the darkest of times throughout history has shown the greatness of the human race.
Thanks Tim. I remember reading about the value of a little over confidence. It helps us try things. To add a dimension to this post. The words others say to us are also powerful. Sometimes we have a person in our life who believes in us more than we believe in ourselves. That can be helpful, as long as a loud inner critic doesn’t drown them out.
As I reflect on my self-talk it is much less encouraging than I would be to anyone else, in fact it can be pretty nasty. Oddly, with all the self-conversations I really never gave that any thought until today. Your post is a game changer, thank you.
Thanks Ken. I respect your transparency. We share a ‘less encouraging’ inner voice. This post is the result of a little exploration of my own that I took over the last couple weeks. I thought I would ask myself questions when my inner critic started badgering me. It’s still a journey. 🙂
Self doubt can be planted in our heads at an early age by a disapproving parent or critical older sibling. Often the self doubt is wrong. I’ve learned to stop, question the doubt and “tell it to leave” as I replace it with the truth. Thanks for covering this self limiting topic! We each deserve better.
Thanks Rich. One question to ask is, “Whose voice is your inner voice?” It might be a parent, sibling, teacher, bully, coach. The idea of challenging the inner critic makes sense to me.
If I get told “Outstanding!” without any explanation, it is so much easier for that inner voice to say “No, it wasn’t.” And if get told I did well when I know the person doesn’t mean it, well, that just gives that inner voice license to go all out.
Thanks Jennifer. The lesson I take is give examples. Explain what is outstanding. Another thing comes to mind. Make it personal. “I think you did a great job (give explanation.) When you say “I think,” it’s harder for some one to say, “no you don’t.”
A wise man once told me that there are only five things we can control: 1. What we say. 2. What we don’t say. 3. What we do. 4. What we don’t do. 5. What we CONTINUE to think. We can’t control what comes into our heads, but we can change it to something else. That’s helpful for self-talk. Thanks for the thoughtful post, Dan, pun intended.
It’s funny how others have no doubt we can do the “thing” but we seem to struggle. Conversely, we provide all the encouragement we can to others. Maybe grab a little bit of that for ourselves. (talking to myself here a little … okay a lot!)