Dear Dan: How Do You Find a Mentor
Dear Dan,
I enjoy your articles. One thing I agree with but don’t know how to achieve is a mentor. It just seems like everyone is busy and no one cares for it anymore. Or maybe it is just me.
If I were to approach you for mentorship, what is the most important thing you would want me to focus my delivery on?
Thank you,
Prince
Dear Prince,
You ask a great question and bring up a real challenge.
Congratulations for actively pursuing a mentor. The thing that changes us the most is people.
You are responsible for your own growth. It’s obvious you embrace that idea.
Mentoring means many things to people. Check out the comments on An Acronym That Explains Mentoring .
Here are a few ideas on finding a mentor. I begin with the thing that’s most important to me.
How to find a mentor:
#1. Make a small ask.
One 15-minute conversation with a specific objective is more appealing than, “Would you be my mentor.”
People are reluctant to make undefined commitments.
Notice #3 on this post: 4 Tips for Finding the Best Mentor for You.
#2. Introduce yourself to a prospective mentor.
When you approach someone who doesn’t know you, introduce yourself.
- Be brief. A paragraph or two.
- Explain what you currently do.
- Share your aspirations for the future. Go beyond aspirations for yourself. How do you hope to contribute to others?
#3. Be a learner.
Always be learning.
Find a mentor in your current circle of relationships.
Let them know you are learning from them. Tell them what you observed about them and what you did differently based on your observation. Ask for their feedback and suggestions.
#4. Add value to a prospective mentor.
Work to add value to everyone. When you have opportunity, add value to prospective mentors.
I’ve been approached by people who regularly leave comments on Leadership Freak and/or frequently share my work on their social media channels. Many do this for years. When they ask for something, I’m eager to contribute.
#5. Have a goal in mind.
How relevant are your goals to a prospective mentor’s focus and expertise? Declare your goal and ask a couple open ended questions.
#6. Learn about the prospective mentor.
Show respect by learning about people before you approach them. Let them know what motivated you to reach out.
Explain what motivated you to seek them out.
#7. Be a person who attracts mentors.
25% of people are approached by the mentor. 61% develop naturally. 14% are approached by the mentee.
Bonus: Don’t give up.
Persistence matters. Be polite. Follow up a few times.
You have my best,
Dan
What suggestions do you have for someone trying to find a mentor?
What should be avoided when trying to find a mentor?
Still curious:
How To Find a Mentor: 3 Steps to Forming the Relationship : NPR
What is a Mentor and How do You Find One? – businessnewsdaily.com
There hasn’t been any kind of real mentoring in any organization I’ve ever worked in. Plenty of technical training, but mentoring as such has been very rare.
The nearest thing has usually been programmes where people are selected for “development” because they have been picked for higher things in the future. It has always been very elitist, very exclusive and certainly not something you can seek out. As such, it was very often seen as a component of the “old boy network” and a part of maintaining an “us and them” hierarchy, especially as it relates to inner, hidden parts of organizational culture.
Thanks Mitch. You point out the dark side of calling some people high potential employees. If you aren’t one of the “in” group, it’s easy to drift. Why bother?
Mentors
1. Find a person you admire for one or more reasons. You might select a mentor to help you improve your presentation skills. Or you might select a mentor to help you think and act more like an executive.
2. I agree with the start small idea “Could we get together for a 10 minute meeting. I have two questions that I would like to discuss.”
3. If your first meeting goes well, schedule your second meeting for 20 minutes and build from there.
4. Come prepared to all meeting with specific questions you want to discuss and do your homework if you had an assignment from the last meeting.
Good luck.
Thanks Paul. Wonderful suggestions. In particular, if the meeting goes well, a question might be, “would it be OK if I touched base when I have questions in the future?”
Building on #7, I have seen that mentors attract mentors. Everyone is capable of mentoring others no matter your age, experience, IQ, etc. And on the same plane everyone is needing poured into. As you pour into others you are noticed by others who will be naturally inclined to pour into you. Mentoring others opens yourself up in ways that make you the optimal vessel for being mentored. I would recommend giving what you wish to receive before striving for what you wish to receive.
Thanks RF…, Love the idea of giving to others what you would love to have for yourself. Such a powerful shift in thinking.
I would add “#8: Be clear on the time commitment”. I am more willing to serve as someone’s mentor if I know how much of my time they want and how much of their time they are willing to commit. I am not going to give someone my entire calendar. On the other hand, if they only want five minutes of my time — even every week — then they aren’t really serious about being mentor.
Thanks Jennifer. I’m glad you chimed in to expand the conversation. Your comment makes me appreciate having several mentors. Some of them might be informal. Others might be formal and structured.
In my own search for mentors, I’ve found it helpful to find many, keep it informal, and find different mentors that are specific to your interest. For example, I was once read about spiritual direction. I asked our priest if he had ever heard of such a thing, not even thinking we would end up having conversations that have now spanned a few years. In my career, I have actively sought to work with or for people in my organization that I admire. Some have really pushed me out of my comfort zone, and they have genuinely cared about my progress. However in those situations, it was never a formal request. It instead flowed more naturally from a request like “what do you think about. . . . ” OK, maybe I did really push to work under a certain manager, when my boss at the time was ready to retire. In another situation, I simply asked a person I wanted to learn from if she saw a benefit in sharing ideas on a regular basis since we worked in similar roles but in different channels of our organization.
On a related note, I thought the recent post of Self Coaching was very helpful.
Thanks John. Re: Self-Coaching. I’m delighted you found that post useful. It’s encouraging to feel like you have some control of your development and direction.
Get around people you admire and want to learn from. As you indicate, it doesn’t have to be formal. Learn from as many people as you can.
I have been approached to be a mentor many times and I am happy to do it. At our first meeting, I will refer them to a book to read that is in line with what they are trying to accomplish. If they have not even gotten the book by the second meeting, then I am done. My personal mentoring rules are: (1) I cannot want their success more than they do; and (2) I will not put in more effort than they put in. Unfortunately, I find a lot of potential mentees as “talkers” and not “doers.”
Thanks Paul. Choose how you spend your time and who you give it to. On a similar note, I sometimes suggest a book or article and say, “When you’re done reading this, let’s set up another conversation.” Sometimes I don’t hear from them again. That’s OK, we weren’t a match.
Great question. Great response. I never sought out a mentor specifically nor asked “Will you be my mentor?” but there were three individuals I watched from afar as well as up-close-and personal with direct conversations and conversations with others I overheard that allowed me to learn from them without them necessarily knowing it. At my retirement celebration, each of these individuals were present and had retired before me, and I acknowledged each one and thanked them. They have all since passed away, but the wife of one recently reminded me how much my acknowledgement meant to her husband when he heard it. That too was a reward itself.
I agree with others above that a mentoring relationship does not typically start with a specific request, but rather a focused conversation around a particular area of interest or focus. The best mentors I have had are people in similar roles who I know I can turn to bounce ideas or get their perspective on a perplexing situation. With enough encounters and conversations, I’ve learned so much more from them than just the specific things I’ve asked about. I’ve learned their values, strategic priorities, interpersonal strengths, etc., all of which have shaped who I’ve become professionally.
I also think this is a good reminder that those of us with the capacity to *be* mentors need to put ourselves out there and offer that to others. I have never specifically said “hey, let me know if you want me to mentor you” but I do go out of my way to reach out to folks who are newly hired into the same position I have (which is pretty unique – only a handful of us in the state) and offer to be a lifeline as they learn the ropes. In some cases, that just means the person calls me if they have a question, but in a couple of cases it has turned into a mentorship and eventually friendship in much the same manner it did for me. It’s a two-way street…