Stop Hedging – It Makes You Sound Weak
Yesterday, a leader I respect said, “I almost teared up.” Before the conversation ended, I said, “Eliminate the word ‘almost’ from your vocabulary. It makes you sound weak.”
He asked for an explanation. I reminded him that he said, “I almost teared up.” Then I spoke directly, “You didn’t almost tear up. Either you did or you didn’t.” If you didn’t tear up, say, “It touched me.”
Hedging words:
- Maybe.
- Perhaps.
- Probably or possibly.
- Might.
- Almost.
Hedging words make you sound weak.
“Just” and “only”:
“I just want to ask,” or, “I only have a small request,” weaken sentences.
I minimize myself when I say, “I’m just a country boy.”
Image by thank you for 💙 from Pixabay
Other hedging expressions:
- “Don’t you think?”
- “Isn’t it…?”
- “It’s no big deal.”
- “I’m not sure.”
- “I guess.”
- “I feel.”
- “I think.”
Make affirmative statements:
Instead of, “We might do that,” say, “I’ll explore that idea and get back to you.”
Instead of hedging, “Perhaps,” say, “I’ll consider that.” Express interest by saying, “Tell me more,” or, “How would that work?”
The truth:
People know words like ‘perhaps’ or ‘maybe’ mean no.
When you’re exploring options say, “I’m exploring options.” Don’t say, “Maybe we’ll do that.” Instead of saying, “Perhaps,” say, “That’s an option. What needs to be true for that to work?”
Dancing around feeling:
It’s respectful to speak the truth with kindness. Verbal hedging implies people are too weak to handle the truth.
Acknowledge sensitive topics and speak truthfully. People who are easily offended control conversations by taking offense. When this happens explore it.
“What concerns you about this?”
“What did I do?”
“What do you want?”
Kindness, openness, and curiosity aren’t weaknesses, but hedging is.
A hedge:
I suppose it’s foolish to completely eliminate these words. They might be useful once in a while.
How can leaders speak clearly without sounding like jerks?
Still curious:
If Words Had Calories – Suggestions for Bloviators
How to Measure the Impact of Words
“Truly great book. A concise account of honesty, humility, and congruence. These are the best gifts this book offers to readers!” Reader’s comment after finishing our new book, The Vagrant: The Inner Journey of Leadership.
Hahaha! I didn’t know the term for it, but now that I know better. I will be sharing this tidbit with my contacts. Thank you!!
Thanks, Emang. Perhaps you might want to share it gently. 🙂
Good Morning – This is great content, I never looked at it from this perspective. Thank you for this wisdom.
Good morning, Rosanne. Thank you for the good word. It feels good. Best wishes.
Great post, Dan. I will forward this to my team.
Thanks, Rosemarie. I appreciate you sharing this content.
How did you know I needed to hear this today?
Hi Stacy. Well, I guess perhaps – it might be that we both needed the same message. 🙂
My experience–when a parent says, “We’ll see.” It means NO!
Yup, that’s what my parents meant.
When I write my congressman or congresswoman, I’m asking for their position on a matter. Some rarely give it. They say, “I’ll consider your opinion.” Bottom line: feedback makes all the difference. “I’ll explore that idea and get back to you” is good, but “I’ll consider that” is just another form of hedging unless, as you pointed out, it is followed up by questions (“What needs to be true for that to work?”). Thanks for a great post, Dan.
Thanks, PetrosT. I appreciate you bringing an illustration. You remind me that people sometimes put things off expecting it to go away. It’s convenient to use delay as a means of avoidance.
OOF! This directly challenges me to look at my words and how much I use hedging every day (even when drafting this comment). Helpful to think about while working through my Friday, thanks Dan!
I’m with you Brandon. I’m editing my replies to make them direct. 🙂
Dan, your post is brilliant. I’m also mindful of core differences between natural preferences of 1) direct or 2) indirect language. Language fascinates.
• I’ve read every baby is born naturally direct… goes right for what s/he needs or wants, yet, is ‘shaped’ out of it by the adult.
• We also find more women are more often indirect. Why?
Perhaps it’s because ‘Direct’ = powerful. ‘Indirect’ = seduction, placating, or weakness. The weakness is a lack courage to say, ‘no’ or is ever agenda seeking.
You have great insight. Thank you for applying it so deftly. We share in common the power of the useful idea, well stated. “Please be efficient so I can be more effective. If you dawdle-in-verbiage, I’m out.” Your deftness is exciting because EVERYONE benefits from claiming their power and learning to use it well.
KEY: Direct is power, not force. THERE’S the CORE difference. May we just be direct (powerful) and benevolent (loving) to help bring more wisdom to the world.
Many thanks for you!
Thank you, Deborah. Your comment is brilliant. I appreciate that you bring up important issues and make a careful distinction between power and force. I see contrasts between power and pressure as well. Speaking clearly doesn’t need to be an attempt at pressuring or forcing people.
Wait… did you end that article with the sentence “I SUPPOSE it’s foolish to completely eliminate these words. They might be useful once in a while.”
Are you hedging? LOL!
Great wisdom for developing my leadership skills… far too often I’ve used nearly every one of those phrases!
Thank you for challenging me!
Glad you appreciate the little joke at the end. Best wishes
When you’ve mentioned “Perhaps”, I’m mindful of the times when I’m trying to make a suggestion. I am not always right, and the team may have a better solution. Perhaps I need to change my suggestion sentence to: “I have an idea, could we try X? Are there any other suggestions which could be even better?”
Yes … “People who are easily offended control conversations by taking offense.” I’ll watch out for this. And watch my own words in response. Had myself convinced my ‘hedging’ was beneficent optimism when it now looks like cowardice. Thanks Dan!
Thanks David. I wonder if we struggle to balance kindness and candor?
Oh, ouch! I’m the master at hedging … I use “perhaps” and “maybe” ALL. THE. TIME. It’s my attempt to make a suggestion without sounding like a know-it-all. But I like Mark Goldfinch’s suggestion. I’ll work on that!
Thanks Diane. I wish you well on the journey. Cheers