HOW TO OVERCOME NEGATIVE THOUGHTS
It’s natural to obsess over one bad thing and forget many good things. One problem, like one drop of poison, has the power to pollute everything.
Life is better than it seems for negative people.
Negative thoughts create a small box.
Negative thoughts:
Obsession over one negative quality clouds your judgment.
Suppose you have a team member who consistently arrives five minutes late for meetings. They’re great with people, highly skilled, and serve clients well.
Where would you be without Mr. Five Minutes Late? Does he bring value? If yes, stop obsessing over one negative quality.
What if timeliness is a hill you want to die on?
Because I said, “Stop obsessing over one negative quality,” you may have assumed I meant forget all about timeliness. ‘All or nothing thinking’ holds leaders back.
Rise above one-thing-thinking:
One way to stop obsessing over negative thoughts is to take specific action.
1. Obsess about honor and gratitude as much as you obsess over fixing problems.
2. Force yourself to think about the big picture.
3. Try a ‘just for today’ approach.
Just for today, let go of nagging Ms. Can’t-You-Show-Up-On-Time. Nag her tomorrow. Just for today, notice her value and contributions.
4. Explain your expectations and ask, “What can you do to arrive on time?” Listen for specific behaviors. “Try harder,” isn’t an answer.
5. Meet with Ms. Tardy 10 minutes before the meeting to discuss something else.
6. Schedule 50-minute meetings. Don’t force people to be late for their next appointment.
7. Don’t ask, “Why are you late?” Why questions invite excuses that force you to become an accuser.
Bonus: Make a list of all the positive contributions of Little Mr. Can’t-Show-Up-On-Time. Work to improve your own attitude.
Obsessing over negative thoughts:
- Closes minds.
- Distracts from positive behaviors.
- Results in unbalanced judgment.
- Makes you small.
What are your suggestions to stop obsessing over negative thoughts?
Still curious:
5 Things to Do When Pedaling Faster Doesn’t Work
How to turn Negative Rumination into Useful Reflection
Thank you, Dan.
My pleasure, Shannon.
My question is who controls tardiness? If I don’t control the individuals it becomes a hindrance to the meeting agenda. If others developed the same habits imagine the fall out! We all have our negativity, I find it better to work on the positive side in an attempt to promote happier day, happier life!
I totally agree, Tim. I picked this one because it’s so real. Some organizations don’t begin meetings on time. They survive. For you and I, it drives us nuts. Being on time is a moral imperative. But, in some organizations, 5 or 10 minutes late is the norm.
Mostly, I chose to poke at a topic that makes some people obsess, myself included.
But what if the negative comment is made toward me? How do I overcome the nagging doubt that arises when someone else makes a negative comment about me or my performance? It may be a minority view. Everyone else is happy but there is the one person who finds reason to be unhappy with me. How do I put that into a broader perspective?
It feels like you just did. “Everyone else is happy.” My suggestion is begin there.
How powerful is the person who is unhappy? If it’s the boss, go to them and hash it out. Ask them not to evaluate your performance in public.
If it’s a colleague, thank them for their feedback and move on. Don’t bring it up again.
If it keeps nagging you, go to them in private. Don’t defend yourself. Don’t make excuses. Say, “I notice you said xyz about my performance. I’m committed to be the best I can be. What caused you to bring that up?”
Accept their perspective. “Thanks for sharing that.” If you disagree, just leave it. If a response is required, tell the truth. “I don’t see this like you do. I respect your thoughts. Right now, I’m focusing on other things.”
Overall, drop defensiveness. Be open. They could be right. Express gratitude, even if it stings. The alternative to gratitude is a dead end. Learn and grow.
If it still keeps bothering you, once a day write down everything that bothers you about it and throw the paper in the garbage. Don’t judge yourself. Don’t try to fix the other person. Just notice it and throw it away.
If it still bothers you, invite others in. Seek an advisor, coach, or counselor. Whatever you do, don’t let it fester.
Just some thoughts. I wish you well, Pete.
One great piece of advice I received (and I can’t remember where from now) is “never accept criticism from someone you would never seek advice from”. Now, we might argue that’s a bit “all or nothing” and I understand those who say there is almost always something to learn from criticism, however “un-constructive” it might be – but I have found it a good starting point.
Dear Dan, although what you said is correct by removing negative thought from your mind, but for the habitual late comer for a meeting is not acceptable since it disturbs all those already present in the meeting. He may be posesing extraordinary skills but this habbit is not good for an organization. Once he can be excused, but he has to correct himself for this indecipline.
You have to decide if it’s worth letting someone go if you make it a do or die.
Note: when leaders are habitually late, you can’t require people to be on time.
I interpret #3 in your Rise Above section above as a way to clear your own mind, in a way to not limit your own thinking about the individual in question and remove the OBSESSION. I also interpret #4 as the next step to a habitual behavior that is demonstrating a negative impact on team/others. And I’d offer there must be some objective evidence of that impact, its never enough to say it ‘feels’ like others are impacted.
Thanks Dan!
At a personal level, negative thoughts can be overcome in time by realizing that you are having a negative thought, and countering it by verbally saying something like, “that’s not true.”
We have to begin with noticing without condemning ourselves.
Your response to Pete was great! A whole blog post in itself! Thanks!
I was thinking I might create a blog post based on Peter’s comment.
Thanks Dan.
I am too often guilty of thinking the worst of people rather than the best of them. This is a timely reminder to keep my negative thoughts in check!
I particularly like the idea of “just for today” – I am going to try and implement that one!
Glad you caught the, “just for today,” statement. I’m a fan of small goals. Sure, sometimes big goals are appropriate. But a series of small goals takes me farther than one big goal that burns me out.