How to Manage the Danger of Untended Wounds
People – like pears – decay from the inside. Gray mold (botrytis cineara) infects wounded pears. By the time decay appears the fruit has spoiled on the inside (Images here).
Untended wounds become rot.
#1. Unspoken expectations cause wounds:
You poison yourself when you expect others to conform to unspoken expectation.
You didn’t explain that being on time for meetings is mandatory. After all, everyone should know that.
Things everyone “should know” give birth to offenses.
Solution: Courageously establish standards and boundaries.
#2. Negative assumptions cause untended wounds:
You’re in danger of rotting from the inside when you assume negative intentions. A team member offers a different approach in a meeting. You assume they want to make you look bad.
Other negative assumptions:
- Insincerity. Their kind words are insincere manipulations.
- Excluding. You didn’t get invited to the meeting, so you assume a plot.
- Disrespect. You might assume lack of warmth means you’re not respected.
- Jealousy. Someone disagrees with you and you assume they’re jealous.
Solution: Assume the best until there’s clear evidence you’re wrong.
#3. Untended wounds justify self-serving behaviors:
You don’t see your own self-serving actions when wounds turn to anger and resentment. Eventually it’s obvious to others.
Conversations fueled by anger are often self-serving. Anger builds up because you didn’t get something important to you. Before long, anger turns to blame or bitterness. Eventually, dark emotions give you courage to say something you should have said long ago.
Are you feeling offended but haven’t brought it up? Secret offenses corrupt your perspective. An offended person – who doesn’t speak up – finds reasons to justify a grudge.
Solutions: Ruminating indicates rot. Bring up concerns before they infect.
Tip: Consistently practice gratitude.
What untended wounds poison people from the inside out?
How can leaders protect themselves and others from untended wounds?
Still curious:
4 Surprising Times to Express Gratitude
The 7 Impossibilities of Gratitude
There is much truth in this post. One simple (not necessarily easy) principle to combat these issues is to value and practice the Golden Rule.
Love simple principles. Thanks, Jim.
Love the rot analogy.
Thank you, Eva. Now if we can just sniff it out.
So true. So many of us have untended wounds from trauma. And if we don’t deal with those, they appear among our co-workers, direct reports, and leaders. I know I will never be the leader I want to be until I deal with my own personal untended wounds so they don’t bleed into my professional life.
Brilliant post!
Thanks, SB. You remind me of Francis Hesselbein’s definition of leadership. “Leadership is a matter of how to be, not how to do.”
The stuff we think we burry still shows up somehow.
So little we know, how assumptions mistaken can drag us down! Always remember “when we assume we make an ass out if you and me”! I learned that often in my younger years! Dad would say ” did you see it”? “Only believe half of what you see and nothing you hear”.
Thanks, Tim. “Did you see it,” would prevent lots of unnecessary issues.
“Hear say” is trouble, vision is clarity.
Long ago I was asked to comment on an employee’s performance evaluation from another department. The only negative comment was that the employee was always late to our weekly meetings which meant we had to interrupt the meeting and bring her up to speed. She was mortified; I would have thought an educated attorney would know better; she didn’t, and I learned a lesson; never assume.
Thanks, Susan. It’s surprising that people don’t always see things the way we do. 😉
As always, an excellent post, Dan! This is a theme discussed at length in two books by the Arbinger Institute, “The Anatomy of Peace” and “Leadership and Self-Deception”; both of which I highly recommend.