How to Resist Being Helpful
Peter Jenson, Ph.D., author, coach, and Olympic sports psychology consultant, said many things during our conversation but one most gripped me.
“I let them stew in their failure for a while.”
Peter Jenson Ph.D.
A team Jenson worked with suffered a disappointing loss. He let them sleep on it. I’ve been mulling over Jenson’s strategy.
Resist the impulse to help when not helping is helpful.
- Struggle strengthens.
- Failure humbles.
- Defeat opens hearts and minds.
Resist the impulse to help when helping in the past didn’t help. The goal of helping is less helping not more. Repeated helping suggests deeper issues, stop it.
An inability to stop helping
is about you.
The longer you help the more painful the stop. If you’ve been carrying someone, it’s going to hurt when you drop them. The pain of dropping them now will be less than the pain you cause by helping too much. The painful truth is helping isn’t always helpful.
A history of helping – helps. Be certain you have a history of helping before resisting the impulse to help. I’ve often been hands off too soon. It makes me seem distant, disconnected, and uncaring. My objective is noble but my method ineffective. To me, staying back expresses respect. Build a base of support before resisting the impulse to help.
The goal of not helping is the same as helping.
The goal of pulling back or stepping in is always development. The simple question is, “Will pulling back aid development?” It’s never personal. Don’t pull back to prove a point. Anger suggests pulling back is about you not them.
Bonus tip: Don’t help those with bad attitudes. Deal with attitudes before behaviors.
Pulling back isn’t permanent. Jensen called a team meeting the next day to discuss their disappointing loss.
When/how do you resist the impulse to help?
Very very interesting!! Have requested e-mails for family who are in similar positions. Tx
Thank you Terry.
Your comment is very very interesting!
Thank you for the good word- since I can be a “Mr. Fix-it” on the spot, it can actually be a greater hindrance to their growth. The “rests and pauses” in the music are just as important as the notes…
Thank you Pat.
Yes, yes… Mr. Fix-it is strong. Some of my friends and I call it “the answer man.” I sense the “answer-man” strong he is in you.. 🙂
Dan,
Very helpful post.
How can the team member grow if we continually rush in to save the day? Also, how can they be effective when you are not around if they have become accustomed to leaning on you for everything. The perfect blend of helping/not helping will help produce a strong, independent, thoughtful, and effective next generation of leaders.
I love where you say “The goal of pulling back or stepping in is always development.” I want everyone who works with me to say “I’m better for having worked with him.” Sometimes that requires letting them experience growing pains.
Thank you David.
Your experience shows through in your contribution. I find so many leadership questions are clarified when we our focus is the benefit of others.
Dan,
As a teacher this makes perfect sense to me. When students (or adults) are defeated, angry, or have reached a peak point in frustration, they can’t hear. In that moment they are deaf.
Sometimes you just listen to them as they vent. Be present but quiet. Sometimes it is so ugly they have to be alone.
Let them stew for a while and reflect. When they open the door a little, their hearing has returned. They still may be hurting but they are ready for help. Only then can we walk through and try and assist.
When they have some measure of success, not perfection, but progress, it is time to walk away and let them make the next steps on their own. That is the only way to create life long learners.
Teachers are step stools not crutches.
Dauna Easley
Thank you Dauna.
I’m glad you brought the challenge of frustration to the conversation. I appreciate the suggestion to let people vent. Pulling back may not be physical distance. Pulling back may include some form of participation ie. listening.
Great add!
Dan-
One of the areas where it is difficult to stop helping is when we see great potential where there are no visible signs of change in behavior or attitude. It is hard for many of us to accept that some people just don’t want our help, or that they will refuse to change.
Martina
Thank you Marina.
Absolutely!! Leaders see more in others than others see in themselves…Dang that can be hard to hold back. I’m finding leadership-patience an essential quality to long-term success.
When I think someone is squandering their potential it’s hard to bear. Over the years I’ve learned to respect others more deeply. It help me step back.
I’m glad you expanded the conversation.
There is a fine line between helping people through their struggles, and enabling them… this is good stuff.
Question for you… how have you communicated the purpose behind your stepping back to those you have stepped back from? Have they even asked?
Thank you Matt.
To tell or not to tell. In some cases, telling ruins the desired effect of them stepping up on their own. Perhaps frustration levels are helpful on knowing when to tell… Should we see frustration levels getting to the point of causing harm we could step in and ask if they know why you haven’t helped.
It’s a tough one… What are your thoughts?
Dan,
As a person living with someone who “keeps their opinions to themselves”, I know how difficult it is to distinguish between respectful distance and just not caring.
If you let someone work something out for themselves and it succeeds, then it would be helpful to say: “I saw you struggling with that, but I knew you’d reach the right conclusion, given time – so I stepped back out of respect for you.” They then know you noticed and cared.
If you give someone time to work something out and they still can’t – i.e., they’re stuck – then it would be helpful to ask guiding questions that would let *them* reach a conclusion (perhaps one of their own that’s not the “obvious” one you had in mind). This is equally respectful.
A lot of it has to do with listening. More times than not, a person needs to know they’re not imaging a problem – anyone in their situation would be frustrated.
That’s the validation they need – not an easy answer.
Thank you Jennifer.
YOur comment helps me! 🙂
I think you are dead on with the frustration levels… And I think Jennifer’s sharing some definite wisdom in this.
I think the key to making this work well is intentionality: just because we are backing off doesn’t mean our role gets easier… it probably becomes more difficult. Knowing how to manage the tension and gauge frustration levels is hard work!
Very thought provoking. It would seem the timing of when to help is whether this is about the leader or about the other person. If it is about the leader’s impatience, or his/her perceived superior knowledge then this will not have a good outcome. If the leader is motivated by the best interests of the person and the team then the timing might be best determined by a series of questions to the individual to determine if the individual is truly stuck or just needs a bit more time. Even then often times a series of questions can help the individual in need of help to come up with the right solution which may be different from what the leader would have come up with but still equally valid.
Thank you Joe.
You remind me of the time I was preparing for a “tough” conversation and the guy I was preparing with said…”everything you just said was about you…” OUCH!!
Excellent advice. Tough to resist the urge not to help.
Thank you Karin. Have a great week.
Dear Dan,
I would like to share my experience. One person I came into contact needed help but never sought that. He was knowledgeable but believed that he is less knowledgeable than others. He performed poorly because of his perception. I understood his situation and tried to increase his confidence. I tried to feel him realized that he has better knowledge and can share better than others. Then he asked how. I told him to use his experience in teaching. He started that and eventually he succeeded in that. The whole point behind this story is to understand from others perspective. Many a times, we make our perception that we have helped the person many times, and we resist to help. But we don’t know how much the person has learned from our help. However, when the person deliberately need your help whereas he is capable, then we should resist helping. And the most important thing to remember, when people need help with hidden intention, we must resist. So, we should know the person intention needing our help.
Thank you Ajay.
Once again you expand the conversation. I find the idea of seeing a situation from another’s point of view is essential. And why not just ask?
Ive been following your posts for about a month and have come to look forward to your messages. This one hit home with me because I gave been known to “help” too soon and too frequently. I have been working on my own development to become a better boss and coach. It is difficult sometimes but the end result is usually rewarding, for both me and my representative. Thanks for your thoughts. I enjoy the read!
Thank you Ngage…
I think stepping in too soon is pretty normal…holding back is a learned behavior. It’s amazing that when we give room for others they often step up. When we step in…they step back.
Dan, going for the gold, and scores a 10 for his dismount! 😉
Talk about tap dancing through a minefield. It can be such a fine line between helping/enabling/codependenting/guiding.
Three thoughts come to mind, none easily accomplished in the moment.
One would be, before jumping in to help (or not), really visualize walking in that person’s shoes. If you were s/he, does s/he really need someone’s help/guidance/hand? Really? Would you welcome (short term and long term) or resent that help if it was ‘imposed’ even with the best of intentions?
Second, before lending a hand, are you doing it with unconditional positive regard for that person and can see that s/he is truly stuck or do you have other agendas/intents? That is not an easy or swift level of introspection.
And thirdly, can you project, if you step in, that what you are doing will help/hinder the person’s growth? Take some time to see the potential ripples–do any turn into a negative tsunami or are they some tasty positive waves?
Thank you Doc.
Man you’re taking me to school today. I started thinking about the times when I stepped in and others pushed back…that’s one way I see when I’m not being helpful.
Unconditional regard for that person…Man, I can’t tell you how many problems that solves…
Hi Dan,
Being helpful does not always involve ‘doing something’ for another, there are situations that require us to be helpful by watching from a distance.
We do not need to think that unless we ‘do something’ we are not being helpful.
What is our gauge of ‘Being helpful’? is it based on how we are perceived by others (which will always prompt us to ‘do something’) or on our understanding of how we can be helpful in a particular situation (which may prompt us, at times, not to do anything).
Ben
I am reminded of “Completed Staff Work”, a concept I’m sure you’re familiar with. I give a copy to new employees to explain expectations of the work they perform.
The help I do provide is often in the form of questions, not to give the solution but to draw it out. More often than not, the solution exists within the team.
Part of the problem is the realization that the solution may be as simple as they were thinking it is. Yes, complex problems may have very simple solutions.
As an Enneagram 2 I know that I tend to over help with motives that can be self-serving. Thank you for this most timely reminder.
This came at a good time. Thank you.
I was a bit confused by this part, though, “Bonus tip: Don’t help those with bad attitudes. Deal with attitudes before behaviors.”
Would you please expand on that a little, or do you have a post that addresses this? I have heard the opposite before – that we can’t change someone’s attitude, only their behavior. How can we deal with attitudes before behavior?
Thanks.
Hi Tamala,
Great question. Truth is no one can change another persons attitude. They change it themselves. We can help motivate them and give support to those willing. It doesn’t do much good to deal with behaviors if the person has a persistent bad attitude. Hence, deal with bad attitude first. If attitudes don’t change it’s time for the person to find other employment.
Hope that helps,
Dan
Give someone a solution and they will give you their next problem