5 Essentials for Healthy Conflict
Conflict is inevitable. Healthy conflict is rare.
Healthy conflict brings people together.
All conflict needs a positive purpose. Ask yourself, “What are we fighting for?”
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Fighting against:
Conflict begins with painful negatives.
- I don’t like…
- I don’t want…
- You never…
- You always…
- This is your fault.
- I can’t believe…
- I can’t take this.
Fighting against…
- Enflames because it focuses on offenses.
- Engages in personal attacks.
- Usually misses the point.
- Invites defensiveness from others.
- Causes people to choose sides.
Healthy conflict fights for something:
Develop positive language.
- I want…
- My goal is…
- I’m committed to…
- I aspire to…
- My intention is…
Change “I” to “we” and “my” to “our”.
5 essentials for healthy conflict:
- Requires you to declare yourself. What do you want? Don’t speak for others. Courageously speak for yourself.
- Defines success in terms of behaviors. Be simple and specific. What will we do differently? How will we act if we succeed?
- Has a shared win. Don’t ask people to fight for something that harms them. The question is, “How will we win?”
- Means starting again. Moving forward requires forgiveness. Advancement means letting go of the past.
- Demands alignment with shared values.
What enables people to use conflict for good?
What suggestions do you have for strengthening relationships when there’s conflict?
Still curious:
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Great tactical advice for business relationships.
Great strategic advice for all the nation-states around the globe engaged in conflicts with each other. Maybe you have another career in the State Department in your future, Dan!
Haha. You have to admire people who are trying to make things better. But who wants all the headaches that come with those things.
When conflicts occur I always start by asking myself these questions:
1. Where do we disagree? (The goal, the plan, the priority, our values etc.)
2. Why do we disagree? For example, why do we have different goals? How do our assumptions, beliefs, experiences, reasons, etc. differ?
3. How open am I and how open is the other person to modifying our position?
Thanks, Paul. Love #3 in particular. Is it a matter of colliding values. That’s more difficult than dealing with colliding preferences or methods. Can we join together to create a mutual win?
I would start with Question 0: Do we disagree? Because the worst conflicts I have witnessed in the workplace are when both parties are saying the same thing in different ways, neither is listening to what the other is saying, and both are convinced the other is wrong.
Thanks, Jennifer. You’re insight is a wonderful reminder. I’ve been in “conflict” only to discover that we agreed. Language matters. Perspective matters.
One question to get clear on is, what are we trying to accomplish.
Insightful post today. False harmony is a leadership silent assassin. Leaders need to demonstrate the willingness to mine for conflict, albeit healthy conflict. It is all in the spirit of coming up with the best solution. To get the discussion going, I use the mantra “silence equals disagreement.”
Thanks, Michael. “In the spirit of coming up with the best solution.” If it’s about blame and punishment everyone runs for cover.