How to Bring Up Thorny Issues
Normal people choose pleasure over pain.
It’s normal to avoid thorny issues.
How to bring up thorny issues:
5 reasons people avoid thorny issues:
- The burden of feeling right creates stress to convince others they’re wrong.
- Power imbalance. No one wants to contradict the person who controls their salary, for example.
- Feeling good is good. Bringing up thorny issues feels bad. But it’s silly to believe spending more time walking on thorns makes you feel better.
- Memory of past blow-ups is motivation to shut up. Bad intervention makes thorny issues worse. If you are certain intervention will make things better, short-term pain is worthwhile.
- You see a thorny issue that others don’t see.
The thorny issue you can’t bring up is a lid in your life.
Not on their own:
Thorny issues don’t go away on their own, but some issues go away as time passes. Why?
Things that are true when thorny issues go away over time:
- People know there is an issue and they’re already working to make improvements. Undramatic progress may go unnoticed.
- People acclimate. Complaints about new procedures decrease as people adjust, for example.
- Competence gradually improves with practice. Incompetence sees big issues where competence sees opportunity.
Thorny issues don’t magically resolve themselves.
Number one:
You can’t solve thorny issues when people have conflicting concerns.
Shift from pulling against to pulling with.
We all know what we don’t want but ‘not wanting’ isn’t leadership. Determine what WE want.
You shift from pulling against to pulling with when you embrace a shared goal.
Four tips for bringing up awkward issues:
- Acknowledge awkwardness.
- Resolve emotion before solving thorny issues.
- Curiosity is less stressful than knowing the solution.
- Momentary relief from avoiding thorny issues results in calamity later.
Why do we avoid thorny issues?
What practices enable leaders to bring up thorny issues?
The problem I have found is that what “we want” is irrelevant. What the client wants, or the regulatory authority demands is the driver, whether we like it or not. The usual position is put up and shut up, sadly.
Flip it around, Mitch . . our goal is to satisfy the client . . .our goal is to comply with regulations. Then figure out how to work positively toward those goals.
I’ll give you a real life example: My husband is a picky eater so I find myself making two different meals on many occasions. I found this really annoying . . . until I changed my point of view. Instead of making a different meal for him, I decided I was making a different meal for me and I was no longer upset.
“You will find many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.” Obi-Wan Kenobi, Return of the Jedi . . .Shift your point of view and you’re ahead of the game.
Transform the thorny issue. Always see the top of the thorns – it is the red rose. That is what we want and not to resolve those thorns. Transformation is the only way.
1. Why do we avoid thorny issues?
2. What practices enable leaders to bring up thorny issues?
1. Often there is a lack of moral courage that causes us to avoid unpleasant but necessary conversations.
2. Developing the grit to tackle tough issues is essential to leaders. One of my mentors used to say, “Those are the days when you really earn your money.” I also frequently recall professional bull rider Ty Murray’s answer to the question, “How do you get ready to climb on those big bulls?” His response was, “You’re never really ready, it’s just your turn.”