It’s possible to fake emotional intelligence. Similar to knockoffs of luxury watches or handbags, there are emotions and actions that look like the real thing but really aren’t. With the best of intentions, I’ve seen smart leaders charge into sensitive interactions armed with what they believed was a combination of deep empathy, attuned listening, and self-awareness but was, in fact, a way to serve their own emotional needs. It’s important to learn to spot these forgeries, especially if you’re the forger.
Is Your Emotional Intelligence Authentic, or Self-Serving?
It’s possible to fake emotional intelligence. Well-intended leaders can go into interactions armed with what they believe is a combination of deep empathy, attuned listening, and self-awareness but is, in fact, a way to serve their own emotional needs. There are three common counterfeit emotions to watch out for. First, there’s rescuing disguised as empathy: When expressing empathy for those you lead, pay attention to any need you might have to be the hero. Compassionate understanding for the challenges of others is emotionally intelligent. Rescuing them from the consequences of those challenges may be more cruel than kind. Next, there’s a need to be right masquerading as active listening. If you have strong views or a critical agenda, own it. Working to suppress your strong views to appear as if you’re engaging others doesn’t work. People are more likely to believe you’re open to hearing their ideas if they feel you’ve been straightforward about where you stand on yours. Third, there’s a hunger for approval dressed up as self-awareness. When fueled by a desire for approval, self-awareness can warp into self-involvement. Keenly self-aware leaders detect how others experience them, actively solicit critical feedback from others, and accurately acknowledge their strengths and shortfalls.